Hello Again
It's probably been almost a year since I've written in any kind of journal let alone on here. It was a hard winter and a rather interesting summer.
I am sort of amazed at the spot I am in. I am so happy and at a place in life I never thought I'd be. In January I changed jobs, after 10 years at C&W. This was huge, leaving there as much as I hated it at times i was comfortable and in control but I did it. I love my new job, it can be hard, it involves things that I don't always know by heart but I love my boss and the owner, they are smart and fair and great to work for.
I spent most of the winter and spring, some how back involved with Sean. I'd decided to not even try to date and sleeping with Sean occassionaly seemed to be a good compromise. But of course it wasn't long before he was as unavailable as ever. More so, he's tell me he loved me but it didn't matter, that the time for us to be a couple had passed but he still wanted my full attention and caring. he wanted me there needing him and wanting him all the time but he didn't want to reciprocate in anyway. I had continued to play on line and met a couple really great guys. Most of them lived very far away (my choice since it meant I wasn't tempted to meet them) but I realized I was getting more caring attention from an online friend in Australia then I was from Sean. That made it really easy to tell him good bye. In late April, after saying good bye to Sean I met another guy on line. Someone I had not spoke to before because I assumed he was too young. Tyler is younger then me but definitely young. He didn't live 3000 miles away but Indiana seemed a safe distance. He's smart and funny and silly and caring and I am rather deeply in love. We've spent the last few months talking and planning. We've been able to see each other only a few times but by this time next year I will have been living in IN for 2 months.
Yeah, not only am I in love and planning a life with someone, the life I am planning is in IN! After 20 years I am giving up NY. Granted, our love / hate relationship has been much more hatey lately. I thought this would be a hard decision but it isn't really. It's a bit sad, there are things I'll miss but I realized it was almost more the idea of living in NY that I'd miss. it fills me with a scary strong happiness to think of making a life with Ian and Tyler. I get a bit scared that something will change in the interim 9 months. I can't move there until after this school year and while I want to be there right this minute we aren't ready for it yet. I miss him terrible when I don't see him, I think if we can make the wait until I can move there and we can be there then we will be in a much better position to start a life. But my insecurites do keep knocking now and then. I have to keep those to myself because even if I don't trust my ability to keep someone in love with me I do trust him so I need to just relax and enjoy being cared for. It's so scary, no one has ever loved me, not like this, not for real, not for who I really am. He's a good man, he's thoughtful and kind and straightforward. I don't know how I got to this place so I feel rather lucky.
I am sort of amazed at the spot I am in. I am so happy and at a place in life I never thought I'd be. In January I changed jobs, after 10 years at C&W. This was huge, leaving there as much as I hated it at times i was comfortable and in control but I did it. I love my new job, it can be hard, it involves things that I don't always know by heart but I love my boss and the owner, they are smart and fair and great to work for.
I spent most of the winter and spring, some how back involved with Sean. I'd decided to not even try to date and sleeping with Sean occassionaly seemed to be a good compromise. But of course it wasn't long before he was as unavailable as ever. More so, he's tell me he loved me but it didn't matter, that the time for us to be a couple had passed but he still wanted my full attention and caring. he wanted me there needing him and wanting him all the time but he didn't want to reciprocate in anyway. I had continued to play on line and met a couple really great guys. Most of them lived very far away (my choice since it meant I wasn't tempted to meet them) but I realized I was getting more caring attention from an online friend in Australia then I was from Sean. That made it really easy to tell him good bye. In late April, after saying good bye to Sean I met another guy on line. Someone I had not spoke to before because I assumed he was too young. Tyler is younger then me but definitely young. He didn't live 3000 miles away but Indiana seemed a safe distance. He's smart and funny and silly and caring and I am rather deeply in love. We've spent the last few months talking and planning. We've been able to see each other only a few times but by this time next year I will have been living in IN for 2 months.
Yeah, not only am I in love and planning a life with someone, the life I am planning is in IN! After 20 years I am giving up NY. Granted, our love / hate relationship has been much more hatey lately. I thought this would be a hard decision but it isn't really. It's a bit sad, there are things I'll miss but I realized it was almost more the idea of living in NY that I'd miss. it fills me with a scary strong happiness to think of making a life with Ian and Tyler. I get a bit scared that something will change in the interim 9 months. I can't move there until after this school year and while I want to be there right this minute we aren't ready for it yet. I miss him terrible when I don't see him, I think if we can make the wait until I can move there and we can be there then we will be in a much better position to start a life. But my insecurites do keep knocking now and then. I have to keep those to myself because even if I don't trust my ability to keep someone in love with me I do trust him so I need to just relax and enjoy being cared for. It's so scary, no one has ever loved me, not like this, not for real, not for who I really am. He's a good man, he's thoughtful and kind and straightforward. I don't know how I got to this place so I feel rather lucky.