(no subject)
I realized I haven't written in days again. Been very busy, in dull, responsible and very uninteresting ways.
It's the weekend again. Sat night, I have L&O on the tv but the sound is muted. Ian is in bed and was lying down in my room since 7. He is pale and very tired, god I hope he's not getting sick. We spent the day at the mall and home depot. Have to make his invention for school tomorrow. I really hope I manage to translate the picture in my head into reality. We had a nice day. I was tired and tense and didn't want to be touched or leaned on or anything. Of course Ian seems to sense this, becomes insecure,worried I'm upset with him and just touches and leans and snuggles more. I think that is one of the greatest challenges for me as a mother. The utter inability to say "sorry, I;m not coming out of my room today" I start to feel so stretched and thin skinned. Luckily he is sleeping over at Jen's next Friday and I can hang out and then sleep late on Saturday. Of course, last Monday I had the opportunity to sleep late and I got up anyway because I was worried someone would call and catch me still in bed at 10am. See how dull I am - and old. I am like 10 years older today then I was 1 year ago. How in the fuck did that happen!
I'm feeling rather dull, thick and beige. Very, very beige. Work has been challenging and I have to work so hard at not getting angry that there seems to be nothing left at the end of the day. I'm not lonely, not horny, not sad just hollow right now. I've gone thru plenty of time periods like this before, I know it will pass, but feeling this way is worse then being actively depressed or sad. At least then I can say "I am sad" but right now there's nothing. I'm at that point where I want to do so something reckless just to do something. I want to drink too much, act irresponsibly, dress inappropriately, crush on someone (someone not fictional), lose my temper and yell (at the person who deserves it).
I hate feeling this way, all itchy and twitchy and needy. Like the world is passing me by.
It's the weekend again. Sat night, I have L&O on the tv but the sound is muted. Ian is in bed and was lying down in my room since 7. He is pale and very tired, god I hope he's not getting sick. We spent the day at the mall and home depot. Have to make his invention for school tomorrow. I really hope I manage to translate the picture in my head into reality. We had a nice day. I was tired and tense and didn't want to be touched or leaned on or anything. Of course Ian seems to sense this, becomes insecure,worried I'm upset with him and just touches and leans and snuggles more. I think that is one of the greatest challenges for me as a mother. The utter inability to say "sorry, I;m not coming out of my room today" I start to feel so stretched and thin skinned. Luckily he is sleeping over at Jen's next Friday and I can hang out and then sleep late on Saturday. Of course, last Monday I had the opportunity to sleep late and I got up anyway because I was worried someone would call and catch me still in bed at 10am. See how dull I am - and old. I am like 10 years older today then I was 1 year ago. How in the fuck did that happen!
I'm feeling rather dull, thick and beige. Very, very beige. Work has been challenging and I have to work so hard at not getting angry that there seems to be nothing left at the end of the day. I'm not lonely, not horny, not sad just hollow right now. I've gone thru plenty of time periods like this before, I know it will pass, but feeling this way is worse then being actively depressed or sad. At least then I can say "I am sad" but right now there's nothing. I'm at that point where I want to do so something reckless just to do something. I want to drink too much, act irresponsibly, dress inappropriately, crush on someone (someone not fictional), lose my temper and yell (at the person who deserves it).
I hate feeling this way, all itchy and twitchy and needy. Like the world is passing me by.