fuck the world.
okay...
so ive been at crew like ALL weekend. every night til 11, this weekend it was 11-11. yeah...so my life's sucked. anyway. i'm sitting at rehearsal yesterday and i checked my voicemail and i had a message from allan. i havent talked to him in maybe a week or two weeks so i was wondering what he was gonna possibly tell me. he said a bunch of things, and one of them was that he is going to iraq. his choice. he leaves april 12. the tip of the iceburg is he told laura (my sister laura) last week when he bumped into her and she never told me or my parents. she says that she was waiting for him to tell me. i dont really care what her fuckin excuse is---how the fuck do you fuckin keep that a secret from your sister?
anyway. allans leaving. he promised me i dont even know how many times that he would never go and now hes leaving by choice to go. i called him immediately. i was hysterically crying (naturally) and yelling at him telling him how fuckin stupid he is. then i missed my cue. the assistant stage manager came back to yell at me and find out where i was and saw me with my head in my hands and two other crew members trying to calm me down. yesterday was one of those days where i couldnt stop crying...no matter what i did. i would be fine one minute and then hysterical the next.
i dont know why hes doing this. i cant even begin to speculate because i have so many thoughts...i just dont get it. maybe i never will.
i decided i needed to ge my ass out last night. me ryan mike jen mike's girl and her friends all went to kapows last night for a drink. after a very drawn out visit, we went to t anthonys (a pizza place.) i was doing great. i hadnt cried since we left, i was having a great time and i was completely distracted from everything. then while we were all sitting a man, like 50-60 years, gray hair, long coat, came up to our table. he said, "hello. i just want to let you know, you're all gonna die one day. you know that? you're gonna choose the way you die, so make good decisions." UMM THIS OLD MOTHERFUCKER HAPPENS TO SAY THIS TO US 10 HOURS AFTER I FIND OUT ALLAN IS GOING TO IRAQ. i burst into tears. i had to leave. ryan walked me back and i climbed into bed and cried to jonny before i passed out.
then today--the only thing i had was monologue coaching from 230-3 and i had to cancel because i couldnt handle it. i worked out which helped a little.
i feel so responsible and guilty. i cant really explain it (and i dont really want to considering i dont know who reads this)
i hate bush. i hate war. i hate the government. i hate this situation and most of all i hate myself.
fuck everything.
so ive been at crew like ALL weekend. every night til 11, this weekend it was 11-11. yeah...so my life's sucked. anyway. i'm sitting at rehearsal yesterday and i checked my voicemail and i had a message from allan. i havent talked to him in maybe a week or two weeks so i was wondering what he was gonna possibly tell me. he said a bunch of things, and one of them was that he is going to iraq. his choice. he leaves april 12. the tip of the iceburg is he told laura (my sister laura) last week when he bumped into her and she never told me or my parents. she says that she was waiting for him to tell me. i dont really care what her fuckin excuse is---how the fuck do you fuckin keep that a secret from your sister?
anyway. allans leaving. he promised me i dont even know how many times that he would never go and now hes leaving by choice to go. i called him immediately. i was hysterically crying (naturally) and yelling at him telling him how fuckin stupid he is. then i missed my cue. the assistant stage manager came back to yell at me and find out where i was and saw me with my head in my hands and two other crew members trying to calm me down. yesterday was one of those days where i couldnt stop crying...no matter what i did. i would be fine one minute and then hysterical the next.
i dont know why hes doing this. i cant even begin to speculate because i have so many thoughts...i just dont get it. maybe i never will.
i decided i needed to ge my ass out last night. me ryan mike jen mike's girl and her friends all went to kapows last night for a drink. after a very drawn out visit, we went to t anthonys (a pizza place.) i was doing great. i hadnt cried since we left, i was having a great time and i was completely distracted from everything. then while we were all sitting a man, like 50-60 years, gray hair, long coat, came up to our table. he said, "hello. i just want to let you know, you're all gonna die one day. you know that? you're gonna choose the way you die, so make good decisions." UMM THIS OLD MOTHERFUCKER HAPPENS TO SAY THIS TO US 10 HOURS AFTER I FIND OUT ALLAN IS GOING TO IRAQ. i burst into tears. i had to leave. ryan walked me back and i climbed into bed and cried to jonny before i passed out.
then today--the only thing i had was monologue coaching from 230-3 and i had to cancel because i couldnt handle it. i worked out which helped a little.
i feel so responsible and guilty. i cant really explain it (and i dont really want to considering i dont know who reads this)
i hate bush. i hate war. i hate the government. i hate this situation and most of all i hate myself.
fuck everything.