tea
i am so unhappy. SO UNHAPPY. i was so happy yesterday and then tea happened and now i wanna crawl into a whole and die. i need to meet new people before i go crazy... if i already haven't gone crazy
today at work these two girls came in to build bears and they were with their grandmother who was taking them in because katrina destroyed everything they owned and their house is completely gone. They were saying how their mother had to stay down in mississippi though because there is only one hospital left and she is a nurse and SO many people are getting sick down there. It probably should have put the state of my life in perspective but it didn't. i guess it just made me more upset and more angry at everything going on in the world. The fact that no one is doing anything down there. I mean money is being sent but no one is physically doing anything. no one is bring them food or clean clothes or clean water. They are just sending money and there is nothing to buy and when there is nothing to buy what good is money. I mean eventually it will be good to rebuild houses and stuff but right now what they need is so much more than that. This gov't spends so much fucking time and energy overseas but doesn't give two shits about it's own people and their well-beings.
apartment life is awkward which sucks because as i said, yesterday before tea things were pretty awesome. I hate awkward but im too mad/hurt/upset to fix it. Nor do i even know how to fix it. i don't want to care and i dont want to drive myself crazy but i don't know how not to. I need to meet new people SO BAD. There is no one here for me. there is no one here that gets me. there is no one here that is remotely interested in the same things as me. Chris comes the closest and now our friendship is pretty much destroyed in a million peices.
so now im all alone in an empty apartment. i dunno what's worse, being alone or being in an awkward situation. i guess i would choose awkwardness over loneliness anyday. I'm no good when i have too much time to think about things. I guess i'm gonna go play guitar or something. Maybe read. I'm really getting in to stone butch blues. I know its a bad thing for me to say but maybe i should learn how to be more stone. my emotions get in the way of my life way too much more than i can ever handel. i need to move somewhere. i need to move out of maryland. i know i decided on goucher for next year but i dont think i can handel this town anymore, these people. Cali seems cool but way too far and way too pretty for me. i dunno. i hate being lost again. i hate being bacj to square one when i finally had my life in order.
lol so offically this is a long post and you probably havent even read this far, but by the off change that anyone is still reading, i'm still writing. SO i started doing this new thing, that when im in a moment that i am SOOO happy and nothing good be better i make this huge mental note about it. I try to captivate that moment as much as i possibly can so that maybe when im not so happy i can remember what it felt like to be content with life. Well the other day i had one of these moments and i was lying in bed and i just thought to myself "in this moment, i am happy". it just felt so good to think that, to have that. Its a little sad that moments like this don't come along too often though. The fact that i even have to note when they come since they are so rare is a sign that maybe something is really wrong.
okay i guess im done writing for now. well im atleast done writing postable material so as for the rest it will be hidden away in my paper journal.
today at work these two girls came in to build bears and they were with their grandmother who was taking them in because katrina destroyed everything they owned and their house is completely gone. They were saying how their mother had to stay down in mississippi though because there is only one hospital left and she is a nurse and SO many people are getting sick down there. It probably should have put the state of my life in perspective but it didn't. i guess it just made me more upset and more angry at everything going on in the world. The fact that no one is doing anything down there. I mean money is being sent but no one is physically doing anything. no one is bring them food or clean clothes or clean water. They are just sending money and there is nothing to buy and when there is nothing to buy what good is money. I mean eventually it will be good to rebuild houses and stuff but right now what they need is so much more than that. This gov't spends so much fucking time and energy overseas but doesn't give two shits about it's own people and their well-beings.
apartment life is awkward which sucks because as i said, yesterday before tea things were pretty awesome. I hate awkward but im too mad/hurt/upset to fix it. Nor do i even know how to fix it. i don't want to care and i dont want to drive myself crazy but i don't know how not to. I need to meet new people SO BAD. There is no one here for me. there is no one here that gets me. there is no one here that is remotely interested in the same things as me. Chris comes the closest and now our friendship is pretty much destroyed in a million peices.
so now im all alone in an empty apartment. i dunno what's worse, being alone or being in an awkward situation. i guess i would choose awkwardness over loneliness anyday. I'm no good when i have too much time to think about things. I guess i'm gonna go play guitar or something. Maybe read. I'm really getting in to stone butch blues. I know its a bad thing for me to say but maybe i should learn how to be more stone. my emotions get in the way of my life way too much more than i can ever handel. i need to move somewhere. i need to move out of maryland. i know i decided on goucher for next year but i dont think i can handel this town anymore, these people. Cali seems cool but way too far and way too pretty for me. i dunno. i hate being lost again. i hate being bacj to square one when i finally had my life in order.
lol so offically this is a long post and you probably havent even read this far, but by the off change that anyone is still reading, i'm still writing. SO i started doing this new thing, that when im in a moment that i am SOOO happy and nothing good be better i make this huge mental note about it. I try to captivate that moment as much as i possibly can so that maybe when im not so happy i can remember what it felt like to be content with life. Well the other day i had one of these moments and i was lying in bed and i just thought to myself "in this moment, i am happy". it just felt so good to think that, to have that. Its a little sad that moments like this don't come along too often though. The fact that i even have to note when they come since they are so rare is a sign that maybe something is really wrong.
okay i guess im done writing for now. well im atleast done writing postable material so as for the rest it will be hidden away in my paper journal.