We're Not Floating in the Ether
I feel the need to write out some of all of my current feelings, just so I won't explode all the sudden, or have a complete melt down. So, here goes. A lot of this will probably be incomprehensible and very random. Just a warning.
Engr 225: Thermodynamics. Quite possibly the most frustrating class I've ever taken. I almost don't know how to describe the way this class makes me feel. But I would say the fact that I can very rarely talk to someone about my performance on a test in that class without tearing up says a lot. I still feel crazy because of that fact. It's just a freaking test, and yet I get all upset whenever I try to even talk about my scores with the teacher or the TAs. I don't think it's even the grades that upset me so much. It's the fact that I've never worked so hard in a class and gotten absolutely no where. I understand all the concepts pretty well--definitely better than a lot of the engineers in that class. But it doesn't matter. I make stupid mistakes on tests, and can't calculate numbers accurately to save my life....and so I get docked lots of points on tests. I come out of the exams thinking that I did really well, and confident that I knew how to do most everything. Then, I get it back, and 1) I get all sorts of points taken off 2) I can't even begin to tell why the points were taken off. Almost all of the TA's just scribble a point value and then x out wrong numbers (there are a few exceptions to this, of course). On my last test, the only thing I could do was look at my exam and say "oh, I lost points SOMEWHERE within the entire exam." I can't even argue for points back, because they don't really care about giving you feedback on what you did wrong, or if you are understanding concepts. They only really care if you have the right number. Who cares if you clearly understand everything that's going on, all of the assumptions you're making, and why you're doing what you're doing. It's all about the right number. It seems like I'd be so much better off in that class if I could just blindly plug and chug like all the engineers do. But I can't. That's not how I learn. I have to understand everything about a problem.
So basically the last two days have completely sucked because of my final in thermo tomorrow. I feel like I should study, but at the same time, I know it won't matter. The same thing that has happened with every other test will happen on the final. I will know what I'm doing, make stupid mistakes, and get wrong numbers, and get a b or c on the exam because of it. It seems so pointless. I'm just so sick of trying when it doesn't get me anything. The only comfort comes from knowing that I only have a maximum of 3 bullshit engineering classes left. The rest will be physics, which will be taught so that I can actually learn something.
My headaches. I haven't been sleeping all that much lately, and it seems as though that's only served to make my headaches a lot worse. And of course, I know that my headaches are impacted by how much I sleep, and I try to get sleep because of that. But, I'm so sick of having to live my life differently because of these stupid things. I mean, it was once at the point where I stayed in my room and slept/sat in the dark almost all day because I couldn't stand light or to even be conscious. Yesterday I didn't go to a concert I really wanted to (Q and not U) because I felt terrible after studying with a terrible headache almost all day. I don't know. I don't want to go back up on my medicine because I really liked the idea of getting off it. And I'm so close to doing that. But I also hate this whole thing. The 6 year anniversary of this fucking thing is almost here (May 4th, if anyone feels the need to celebrate it). I cannot believe I've had one fucking headache for 6 years. And I hate complaining, but honestly, this is getting ridiculous. "Pain management" my ass.
My suite. I love my suitemates, and am excited about the living arrangements for next year. But at the same time, there are a lot of things currently bugging me....and I could see them persisting into next year. Right now, I can hardly stand the sight of the common room and the bathroom. I don't see how any of them can either. When I have to step over several obstacles in order to get to the bathroom, and then shove people's crusty toothpaste tubes out of my way once I even get to the bathroom....I get a little irritated (and not to mention grossed out). There's also the fact that people (or maybe just one specific person, I don't know) keep using my stuff without asking me. I normally wouldn't care at all, but lately it's gotten ridiculous. I feel really trampled on. I mean, yesterday, I came into my room and my desk lamp light bulb had been taken! And repeatedly, someone's taken my conditioner to use. There's also the randomly misplaced things within my room....and people using my computer. That combined with an episode where people ate just about all of the food that I payed for half of before I got a chance to eat it.....makes me feel a bit used and disrespected. I'm just hoping that it won't continue on to next year. I think I mostly just need to get the hell out of here for awhile.
In summary: blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg
I'm sure there's more, but those are the main things. I need to go to bed because I've got the thermo exam at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I apologize for all the complaining, but I just needed to get this out.
<3
Amy
Engr 225: Thermodynamics. Quite possibly the most frustrating class I've ever taken. I almost don't know how to describe the way this class makes me feel. But I would say the fact that I can very rarely talk to someone about my performance on a test in that class without tearing up says a lot. I still feel crazy because of that fact. It's just a freaking test, and yet I get all upset whenever I try to even talk about my scores with the teacher or the TAs. I don't think it's even the grades that upset me so much. It's the fact that I've never worked so hard in a class and gotten absolutely no where. I understand all the concepts pretty well--definitely better than a lot of the engineers in that class. But it doesn't matter. I make stupid mistakes on tests, and can't calculate numbers accurately to save my life....and so I get docked lots of points on tests. I come out of the exams thinking that I did really well, and confident that I knew how to do most everything. Then, I get it back, and 1) I get all sorts of points taken off 2) I can't even begin to tell why the points were taken off. Almost all of the TA's just scribble a point value and then x out wrong numbers (there are a few exceptions to this, of course). On my last test, the only thing I could do was look at my exam and say "oh, I lost points SOMEWHERE within the entire exam." I can't even argue for points back, because they don't really care about giving you feedback on what you did wrong, or if you are understanding concepts. They only really care if you have the right number. Who cares if you clearly understand everything that's going on, all of the assumptions you're making, and why you're doing what you're doing. It's all about the right number. It seems like I'd be so much better off in that class if I could just blindly plug and chug like all the engineers do. But I can't. That's not how I learn. I have to understand everything about a problem.
So basically the last two days have completely sucked because of my final in thermo tomorrow. I feel like I should study, but at the same time, I know it won't matter. The same thing that has happened with every other test will happen on the final. I will know what I'm doing, make stupid mistakes, and get wrong numbers, and get a b or c on the exam because of it. It seems so pointless. I'm just so sick of trying when it doesn't get me anything. The only comfort comes from knowing that I only have a maximum of 3 bullshit engineering classes left. The rest will be physics, which will be taught so that I can actually learn something.
My headaches. I haven't been sleeping all that much lately, and it seems as though that's only served to make my headaches a lot worse. And of course, I know that my headaches are impacted by how much I sleep, and I try to get sleep because of that. But, I'm so sick of having to live my life differently because of these stupid things. I mean, it was once at the point where I stayed in my room and slept/sat in the dark almost all day because I couldn't stand light or to even be conscious. Yesterday I didn't go to a concert I really wanted to (Q and not U) because I felt terrible after studying with a terrible headache almost all day. I don't know. I don't want to go back up on my medicine because I really liked the idea of getting off it. And I'm so close to doing that. But I also hate this whole thing. The 6 year anniversary of this fucking thing is almost here (May 4th, if anyone feels the need to celebrate it). I cannot believe I've had one fucking headache for 6 years. And I hate complaining, but honestly, this is getting ridiculous. "Pain management" my ass.
My suite. I love my suitemates, and am excited about the living arrangements for next year. But at the same time, there are a lot of things currently bugging me....and I could see them persisting into next year. Right now, I can hardly stand the sight of the common room and the bathroom. I don't see how any of them can either. When I have to step over several obstacles in order to get to the bathroom, and then shove people's crusty toothpaste tubes out of my way once I even get to the bathroom....I get a little irritated (and not to mention grossed out). There's also the fact that people (or maybe just one specific person, I don't know) keep using my stuff without asking me. I normally wouldn't care at all, but lately it's gotten ridiculous. I feel really trampled on. I mean, yesterday, I came into my room and my desk lamp light bulb had been taken! And repeatedly, someone's taken my conditioner to use. There's also the randomly misplaced things within my room....and people using my computer. That combined with an episode where people ate just about all of the food that I payed for half of before I got a chance to eat it.....makes me feel a bit used and disrespected. I'm just hoping that it won't continue on to next year. I think I mostly just need to get the hell out of here for awhile.
In summary: blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg
I'm sure there's more, but those are the main things. I need to go to bed because I've got the thermo exam at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I apologize for all the complaining, but I just needed to get this out.
<3
Amy