(no subject)
Have you ever needed something so bad, but you don't realize how bad until you get it? Emily went on vacation with her dad last week, so I was kid-free for almost 8 days, and let me tell you, it was glorious. It's funny because last year I took those same days off work, and I enjoyed my week this year so much more despite working.
I think because, as awesome as it is to have time off, it kind of sucks if you don't have things to do. So this year I enjoyed the rest of my afternoon and evening once I was done working....I only had myself to take care of, and I made sure to clean the house well before she left, and being just me, it was easy to keep it clean all week. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I think a clean house was one of the biggest reasons I enjoyed it so much.
As a kid, a teen and even a young adult I was never an exceptionally neat person. My apartments when I lived alone were often pretty cluttered, but looking back now I have no idea why. What did I do to mess it up? Dishes can be an issue, and I often didn't have an apartment with a dishwasher back then, so that kind of explains that. I guess maybe I didn't put clothes away? I don't know, I just remember my places back then were often quite messy.
Maybe having a Tasmanian devil for a child and having been married to a super messy man forced me to be neater in the last several years, because I would have had to really work hard to mess up the house last week. I think despite being stressed a lot, if I could keep a mostly neat house when Emily is home, I would feel a lot better. Physical clutter makes me feel emotionally overwhelmed, but I honestly don't know how to do that. I can get the house sparkling clean and within 30 minutes my child can do some major damage.
She has chores to do, and I try to purge her toys often but I swear I can get rid of a ton, and it looks like I've barely made a dent. No matter what system I try to stick to, I constantly feel like I'm drowning in mess.
So anyway, last year I really missed her, it was the first time she'd been away from me for that long and that far away. I missed her this year too of course, but I think I was able to enjoy my week off more because I was so sad without her last year. I was able to have friends over a couple nights without having to worry about talking about things that she shouldn't hear or having to make plans for after she goes to bed.
I was of course happy to have her home, but I guess I just wasn't ready to give up me and go back to being mom just yet. I love her to the moon and back, I love being a mom....but fuck, being a single mom is so hard and it's so easy to lose sight of yourself. It was so nice to have a week where I didn't have to constantly say things like "stop talking about buttholes" and "don't try to ride the dog", and "for the fifth time will you please go brush your teeth". It also didn't help that she came home sick, so I not only had to go back to being mom, but taking care of a sick kid is like being mom x 10. Now I think I might be getting sick too. I've tried to avoid it, but one can only cough in your face so many times before it brings you down.
I definitely wouldn't want 50/50 custody, I couldn't be without her for a whole week every other week. But 4 days a month isn't really enough. And it's barely even 4 days because she doesn't go each weekend till around 5 on Fridays and then I pick her up at 5 on Sundays, so it's really just all day Saturday, and that's usually spent cleaning and catching up on stuff I couldn't do during the week. My parents try to take her when they can to give me a break, but even then most of that time is when I'm working. It's nice to have peace and quiet to work, but that only leaves me with a couple hours to myself before I have to pick her up.
Her dad gets two weeks with her every summer but so far if he takes any, it's only one week. Maybe I could get him to take her for his second week in the winter. Maybe having a week off every six months would help with my sanity. He just doesn't understand. He always gives me flak when I talk about being tired or needing some time off. He just doesn't understand how draining it is to be the only parent on duty 24/7 for 12 days straight.
Maybe my dad would take her for a week in the winter. It would have to be over Christmas break or maybe winter break so he doesn't have to take her to and from school every day. Hmm, that's actually not a bad idea if her dad doesn't want that week.
I know it's not my ex's fault cause he couldn't control her getting sick, but it's like he had a nice week on the beach and then came back and said here's our sick kid, I'm going home, see ya, lol. But I am glad she didn't get sick till the very end and could be in the comfort of her own home and have mommy when she was sick. I was always closer to my dad, but sometimes only mommy will do.