Changes
I didn't know what to title this. Maybe I'll think of something as I write.
It's almost kida sorta hitting me that I am about to close one of the most life-changing chapters of my entire like in less than 3 weeks.
It's sort of scary. This week is thanksgiving, then next week I have 1 final and then the week after that I have 4 finals and Im done. On december 12th I will be a Berkeley graduate. How crazy is that? Berkeley really has had a huge part in making me who I am today. It chalenged me and forced me to work harder than I ever have before. I made a lot of sacrafices for this moment, and I have lost a lot of relationships along the way. I think thats what makes me so melancholy about the whole thing. All the people I lost along the way. I have had some amazing friends in the last 5 or 10 years and I only really keep in contact with a small number of them. It makes me kind of sad to think about the past and all of the memories that I have because I feel like I gave a lot of that up. I mean, I know that it will pay off eventually, but it just seems so far away. I don't know why Im being all emo. This really is a good thing, I mean I'm almost done!!! This has been so hard and I'm almost done.
Im just sort of scared of what comes next. I mean, I know what comes next. Chabot, the medical assisting, then PA school, then being a PA. But it doesn't seem that simple for some reason. There is a really deep dark uncertainty that I keep feeling in my gut. Like, maybe things arent going to go the way I have planned things...and if you know me, you know I like structure. I like plans and schedules and lists and uncertainty and change scare me. Where am I going to work while Im at Chabot? The economy is terrible and I need a job, a good job, one where I can make enough money to move out. But then moving out will also be a big change and I don't know if I can handle that. Jarrod really wants to move in together, but Im scared to ruin what we have. I'm scared to change everything. I'm scared to fail. I'm scare that all of my hard work was in vain. I'm scared that I really don't know what I want to do in life and all of this was for someone else.
I know I'm going to cry on December 12th at 11am in front of everyone, because I'll finally be finished, and I'll be happy, and I'll be releived, but mostly I'll be scared.
It's almost kida sorta hitting me that I am about to close one of the most life-changing chapters of my entire like in less than 3 weeks.
It's sort of scary. This week is thanksgiving, then next week I have 1 final and then the week after that I have 4 finals and Im done. On december 12th I will be a Berkeley graduate. How crazy is that? Berkeley really has had a huge part in making me who I am today. It chalenged me and forced me to work harder than I ever have before. I made a lot of sacrafices for this moment, and I have lost a lot of relationships along the way. I think thats what makes me so melancholy about the whole thing. All the people I lost along the way. I have had some amazing friends in the last 5 or 10 years and I only really keep in contact with a small number of them. It makes me kind of sad to think about the past and all of the memories that I have because I feel like I gave a lot of that up. I mean, I know that it will pay off eventually, but it just seems so far away. I don't know why Im being all emo. This really is a good thing, I mean I'm almost done!!! This has been so hard and I'm almost done.
Im just sort of scared of what comes next. I mean, I know what comes next. Chabot, the medical assisting, then PA school, then being a PA. But it doesn't seem that simple for some reason. There is a really deep dark uncertainty that I keep feeling in my gut. Like, maybe things arent going to go the way I have planned things...and if you know me, you know I like structure. I like plans and schedules and lists and uncertainty and change scare me. Where am I going to work while Im at Chabot? The economy is terrible and I need a job, a good job, one where I can make enough money to move out. But then moving out will also be a big change and I don't know if I can handle that. Jarrod really wants to move in together, but Im scared to ruin what we have. I'm scared to change everything. I'm scared to fail. I'm scare that all of my hard work was in vain. I'm scared that I really don't know what I want to do in life and all of this was for someone else.
I know I'm going to cry on December 12th at 11am in front of everyone, because I'll finally be finished, and I'll be happy, and I'll be releived, but mostly I'll be scared.