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I've been in a very strange state of mind lately, sort of caught somewhere between happy and sad.
The last few weeks has been great since I've been re-connecting with a lot of old friends that I'd lost touch with like Matt and Andrew and al those boys. I feel like not much has changed with them, its bot comforting and unsettling at the same time. Like, I feel like I fit back in and we can hang out like things just picked up where they left off. But at the same time it feels like they are all doing the same thing as they were before and no one is really getting anywhere and that makes me pretty sad...I love those guys and I want them to do great things and be happy, but they are each sort of fighting their own demons right now and I feel like I cant do anything to help except to just be there and keep them company and show support.
On the other hand, Jarrod has been acting really weird, like, super distant. It makes me really nervous to think that someday I might have to call him my ex. That breaks my heart cuz he is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met with one of the most wonderful families ever. They accepted me so fast and they really treat me like I belong there. Its great and I dont want to let go of that. I asked him what was wrong today and he said he knew he had been distant and out of it, and everything was ok, but in the back of my ever wandering mind I keep thinking that its not...like he's bored with me or falling out of love or something. and I attribute it to my physical appearance as usual, which it most likkely has nothing to do with and I just have low self esteem.
To combat this, Ive been trying to eat better and stuff, but I dont have a lot of time to go to the gym, so I havent really been getting anywhere. Its gotten to the point where I am pretty much disgusted with myself and my appearance and I just wish I could snap my fingers or take some miracle drug that will make me gorgeous like so many of my friends. Its like almost everyone I see is gorgeous and skinny and awesome and all my guy friends gawk and stare and comment on how good they look and I just get so jealous, like, why cant that be me? What is stopping me from being that girl? Im pretty sure its myself.
What I really think I need is to get away for a little...I need to do something soon, something out off the ordinary and fun. I want to go camping or maybe go to tahoe or something, but Im a broke ass hoe, so Id need a bunch of other people to come with me and share a hotel room and that would completely rob me of my privacy that I need. I just feel like nothing great is happening right now and Im so involved in finding a grad school and finding an internship so I can secure a letter of recomendation to get me into the school of my choice. I need some me time in a foreign place.
The last few weeks has been great since I've been re-connecting with a lot of old friends that I'd lost touch with like Matt and Andrew and al those boys. I feel like not much has changed with them, its bot comforting and unsettling at the same time. Like, I feel like I fit back in and we can hang out like things just picked up where they left off. But at the same time it feels like they are all doing the same thing as they were before and no one is really getting anywhere and that makes me pretty sad...I love those guys and I want them to do great things and be happy, but they are each sort of fighting their own demons right now and I feel like I cant do anything to help except to just be there and keep them company and show support.
On the other hand, Jarrod has been acting really weird, like, super distant. It makes me really nervous to think that someday I might have to call him my ex. That breaks my heart cuz he is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met with one of the most wonderful families ever. They accepted me so fast and they really treat me like I belong there. Its great and I dont want to let go of that. I asked him what was wrong today and he said he knew he had been distant and out of it, and everything was ok, but in the back of my ever wandering mind I keep thinking that its not...like he's bored with me or falling out of love or something. and I attribute it to my physical appearance as usual, which it most likkely has nothing to do with and I just have low self esteem.
To combat this, Ive been trying to eat better and stuff, but I dont have a lot of time to go to the gym, so I havent really been getting anywhere. Its gotten to the point where I am pretty much disgusted with myself and my appearance and I just wish I could snap my fingers or take some miracle drug that will make me gorgeous like so many of my friends. Its like almost everyone I see is gorgeous and skinny and awesome and all my guy friends gawk and stare and comment on how good they look and I just get so jealous, like, why cant that be me? What is stopping me from being that girl? Im pretty sure its myself.
What I really think I need is to get away for a little...I need to do something soon, something out off the ordinary and fun. I want to go camping or maybe go to tahoe or something, but Im a broke ass hoe, so Id need a bunch of other people to come with me and share a hotel room and that would completely rob me of my privacy that I need. I just feel like nothing great is happening right now and Im so involved in finding a grad school and finding an internship so I can secure a letter of recomendation to get me into the school of my choice. I need some me time in a foreign place.