Lancing a Boil - I Kissed A Girl
Picking up after the slap, Figgy explains that the school has a zero-tolerance physical violence policy, which we all know is bullshit and Santana says as much, bringing up the slushies. Apparently they're not on the list of suspension-worthy projectiles, so they're excused. Will and Shelby both think that Santana needs to be punished for what she did, though Santana tries to excuse herself with some bullshit excuse about how she has an eviler split personality that took over (and yes, she's still insulting Finn's weight). Finn saves her, however, by claiming that it was only a stage slap.
Afterwards, Santana asks Finn what he's up to. Explains that he felt bad for her and thinks she's really awesome (and still thinks that it was okay to out her because supposedly everyone knew), and also he wants a fair fight with the Trouble Tones. Santana warns him that it won't make her go back to Glee, but he explains that he as an idea for a lesson-it's just that they need her there for it. Title card!
Hallways. Rachel is freaking out because Brittany is a sure-win for the election, since she's now moved on to bribing everyone with Pixy Stix, which Figgy is allowing because it's delicious. If Kurt doesn't win the election, then he has nothing to put on his "resume" except Glee and Cheerios!, so she's feeling desperate. Matters are not helped by Jewfro already asking for his concession speech. Once he leaves to interview Brittany, Kurt shares his own panic with Rachel, and then suggests following the style of JFK and stuffing the ballot boxes. Rachel tells him not to, but…
Choir room. Finn's lesson is that everyone is going to do music by women to celebrate Santana and show her she's not alone. Santana isn't happy that they're making a big deal out of this and especially that she doesn't get a say in it, but Finn tells her to settle down. First up are Blaine and Kurt. Blaine gives a little intro about how he and Kurt sing this song to each other, and tells Santana to stop being defensive. She makes a crack about his bowties. Anyway, they sing "Perfect" by P!nk, and amusingly Blaine gets the line about people insulting their jeans. Afterward, Santana thanks them for giving her yet another horrible thing in her life.
Sue's office. She writes in her journal about how the ad is ruining her life and how people think she's gay, even though [insert laundry list of stereotypical characteristics of butch lesbians here]. Then she goes on about how she's straight with a bunch of double entendres before looking up names in her little black book. It includes Todd Bridges, Vladimir Putin, Dan Quayle, Stephen Baldwin, Matt Lauer, Johnny Cochran, and Oliver North. She picks someone we don't see and seems satisfied.
Teacher's lounge. Coach Beiste is eating a turducken because she's been low on energy lately, between running the student council elections and spending time with Cooter. Emma and Will offer to help lighten the load and she tells them she could use help with counting votes, before derailing into talking about what sounds like a sexual encounter with Cooter, but it turns out they were just lifting weights. Literally. Beiste affirms that Cooter is her soulmate.
Aaaand speaking of being the "only one," we cut to Puck playing his guitar in the choir room, singing Melissa Etheridge's "I'm The Only One." Nominally it's to Santana, but we can all guess who it's really directed at, and Rachel seems to pick up on it too. Puck tells Santana that he might have been a phase, but he was happy to serve that purpose.
Hallways. Quinn also noticed that Puck was looking at Shelby the whole time and points it out. He explains it was so she would have them babysit Beth more often. Quinn tries to have Puck come visit her while her mom's away, promising sex, but Puck tells her that she's selfish, horrible, and psychotic, so pass.
Elsewhere, Finn asks Santana what she thinks about the assignment. She's not happy they're forcing her out of the closet like this. Finn points out that the political ad is going to force her out of the closet anyway (though I'm not sure that's a good excuse), then explains that he cares about her, particularly since she was his first, and he doesn't want her to kill herself like he's heard of other gay teens doing. This segues to a slow version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." Mike looks absolutely skewered on the line about "Daddy dear," so I'm guessing he's still having relationship issues. On the second verse, the other boys join in on the song, and it looks like it actually got through to her. Afterwards, she hugs Finn and thanks him.
Breadstix. Beiste is picking up an order of lots of chicken when she overhears Sue. When she looks, Sue is having dinner with Cooter and having pictures taken by Becky. Beiste checks what's going on and Sue (after making an insult about the wideness of Beiste's head) explains that she and Cooter have been on-again off-again since the '90s and are now on-again. Sue leaves for the restroom and Cooter asks Beiste if she's okay because he's an idiot. She's clearly not and tells him as much, saying that she thought they were dating. Basically, Cooter is frustrated with his lack of progress with Beiste and because he's a man, he needs sex. And instead of talking things out like an adult, he decided to go behind Beiste's back and date Sue instead. Lovely.
Gymnasium. Jewfro has a last-minute interview with Brittany and Santana over Brittany's inevitable win and who they're voting for. He tries to hassle Kurt again, but Finn drives him off. Kurt knows he's about to lose, but Rachel tries to pick up his spirits, telling him he'll get tons of votes and pointing out Quinn, saying she'll vote for Kurt. Following this is a montage of the Glee kids voting: Quinn votes for Brittany (comparing it to her dad voting for the "least ethnic" candidate), Mercedes votes for Kurt (because living with Santana in the Trouble Tones if Brittany wins would be hell), and the rest of the kids mostly vote for Kurt, except for Puck, who votes for Ross Perot (and I have to give him credit for that).
Meanwhile, Beiste is upset that she agreed to have the gymnasium be a district polling place because Sue's been snogging Cooter and rubbing it her face. Will and Emma feel bad, and ask if Cooter explained why he went for Sue. Apparently Beiste was being "uncommunicative." Because not talking about relationship problems when you're not aware of them and your partner doesn't bring it up and expects you to be psychic is being uncommunicative. Will and Emma tell her that she needs to tell Cooter how she feels and assures her that he'll go back to her. Frankly, I don't think she should take him back if he does, but that's just me. And because she said she feels like she's in a country music song, she ends up singing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. And stalking Cooter and Sue. Thankfully, it seems to be just a fantasy, and Rachel talking to her snaps her out of it. They both tell each other they feel fine and move on.
Hallways. The commercial seems to have gone out, because there's a lot of staring after and whispering around Santana. This is confirmed when a jock stops by her locker and then tells her she's hot and just needs a guy to straighten her out. Thankfully talk of corrective sex is quickly derailed by the rest of the girls showing up to Santana's defense, and the jock gives the weak insult that they're all lesbians. This leads to a show of solidarity with all the girls singing "I Kissed A Girl" both in the hallways and in the choir room (apparently), and my, but Rory looks like he's popped a boner. Also, I'm not sure how appropriate a choice a song that seems to be going "no homo" every few lines is, but the point is made and the song is catchy so whatever. Santana tells everyone that she's come out to her parents and they're fine with it, so she just needs to tell her abuela, who I'm sure will take it well because she's been so loving to Santana. And then Figgy calls Kurt to his office.
Figgy's office. Figgy congratulates Burt on his early poll numbers before segueing to the topic at hand: Kurt won by a count of 190, but there are more ballots than seniors. Kurt begins babbling in a panic, admitting that he did think about cheating but he didn't actually go through with it. Later, he explains what happened to Rachel and Finn, saying that if they can prove he cheated, he'll get suspended. He sinks into despair because he failed at everything and now he's not going to New York, and leaves to find Blaine. Shortly after, Rachel confesses to Finn that she stuffed the boxes because she didn't want Kurt to lose. Finn tells her she needs to tell Figgy, or else Kurt is going to be suspended.
Math class. Puck raises his hand to answer what the quadratic equation is, stunning the teacher that he actually has a working brain. He then takes a call and leaves, saying it's a family emergency. At the hospital, he meets up with Shelby. Beth had an accident and bit through her lip, so Shelby brought her to the hospital. The doctor then shows up and says Beth is fine and just needs stitches. Puck insists she sees a plastic surgeon, who'll minimize the scarring. Apparently him taking charge is like catnip to older woman, because the next we see, Shelby and Puck have finished having sex in her bed. Shelby regrets it immediately and tells him it was a mistake and he needs to go. Puck has had it with Shelby pushing him away, and… goes along with it. If that means less of this creepiness, I am completely alright with that. Do not tease me, Puck.
Santana's abuela's house. She tries to get her granddaughter to eat more and fatten up, Santana wants to talk to her. She then slowly and painfully outs herself while her grandmother looks increasingly disapproving. Her grandmother tells her to get out, and she never wants to see her again. When Santana demands and explanation, her grandmother tells her that it makes her uncomfortable, and Santana is basically rubbing her homosexuality in her face and being selfish (paraphrasing her wording). She leaves the room and Santana looks broken.
Quinn's house. Puck and Quinn are making out and Quinn wants to have sex with Puck because she wants to get pregnant again and have a baby to enrich her life, because that worked so well the first time. When Puck refuses and says he was being stupid having angry sex, Quinn gets upset and says that there are tons of guys that'll get her pregnant. Puck then realizes how very fucked up Quinn is and that she needed as much help as Santana. They cuddle, and Quinn asks why Puck was angry. He asks if she can keep a secret.
Sue's office. Sue has lost the election and Cooter wants to know what that means for them. Beiste would like to know the same. Sue tells them both that Cooter is the best thing that's happened to her since Becky. Beiste tells Cooter that she loves him and that she's sorry she never told him before, but she'll do anything to keep him and she's not going to take his relationship with Sue lying down.
Choir room. Will and Shelby share their hopes that through the group lesson, both teams will be able to compete with more understanding between them. Kurt stands up and congratulates Brittany for winning the election, to which Brittany assures him that he's still the "most unicorn." Kurt wonders if he can put that on his application, while Blaine tells him not to give up hope. Santana is handed the responsibility of finishing off for the week, and she looks like she's recovered from her abuela nicely, though there are cracks visible. She sings kd Lang's "Constant Craving" with Shelby singing separately, while she… stares longingly after Puck. STOP THAT. Kurt celebrates with his family over his father's win, but is depressed over his application still, and Rachel is near tears about something. She was away at Figgy's office before, and now enters the choir room to explain that she confessed what she did to Figgins and she's been suspended for a week and banned from Sectionals. Tina facepalms.