Grieviances
I am unspeakably annoyed.
Perhaps its more exhaustion?
Who knows. All I know is my interest, motivation, and everything else is about nil. I need a fun, worry free day, but I know I am not going to get one. In fact, I can see no chance of one anywhere in the future. The only time I have off is either spent working, trying to rest (ha. ha.), studying, or, as it generally is, taking care of Reya (the puppy) and listening to my best friend prattle on.
Now just to clarify, I LOVE my best friend, and I love my puppy (though not as much as I love my cat, I admit. The cats are so much less trouble.) But the puppy is always barking or whining or chewing on me. Seriously, I have done every recommendation to get her to stop chewing on me I have seen, and NONE of them work. Even if I am holding her favorite toy near her mouth, she'll bend her head around and go for my fingers. Its dreadfully annoying. And painful. And she is a morning creature. I am very much not. She starts at it for attention very early, and when I get up and respond to her at the chosen time (I only start responding to her at 6:45 in the morning, which is still too early for me) she won't easily settle again. Which means on my days off I can't get any more sleep. But when I put her to bed she whines too, so its not like I can just go to bed earlier. Or worse yet, she doesn't whine and makes other noises which worry me, and are always nothing. So I am constantly on edge.
And I would have more fun with my best friend if she didn't insist on constantly talking my ear off about her fanfiction. I like the subject she writes on, and her stories are fine, its just that its all she talks about. If I try to talk to her about something going on with me, she will change the subject back in under five minutes. If I try to discuss a similar topic of interest to me, she changes it back immediately. I realize she is happy in her mini-fanfiction-celebrityness that she has going on, but after a few months I was hoping she would chill with it just a bit when she was with me. Besides that, she always wants to visit and spends the *whole* time on her smartphone. We go to dinner, on her smartphone. We go see a movie, before and after onto the phone she goes. We are discussing something, she is having two other conversations and checking facebook. Its rude. I tell her I don't like it, and she ignores me completely. Now that my sister has a phone she does it too. She wants me to show her things that have subtitles, and then spends half the time on her phone and doesn't catch it, so she badgers me with questions about it. If she were just talking to me as we watched it would be fine, but we aren't. Most of these things have to run off my computer, so its ends up taking up all of the time I could be spending doing something else.
So far we've only covered part of the issue though.
Classes.
So I have a condition which makes communicating with others difficult and emotionally exhausting. I do my best. I go to work. I try to see friends sometimes. I host people who visit the house. I take care of my puppy. I do my best. But seriously, its exhausting.
So I have five classes left til I am done with college. Just five. One I have to take at the school, I get that. The other four I should be able to do theoretically at an online school. So I applied for one. They are the worst organized school *ever*. The woman I spoke to never got back to me with questions, even if I badgered her email or phoned her. Supposedly I don't have English requirements, even though I have almost a complete English degree (missing one course). She messed up the Soc. classes I was supposed to take, so I only ended up in one of the courses I had applied for, after being told to take a math test (which I get), and that I don't have proof of Writing 101 (I have two advanced writing courses and a simple Composition class, but evidently that doesn't count as proof I can write). My options? Spend $800+ on a course I don't need to take so I can take another relatively simple English course.
So I got into one Sociology course. It looked like it would be really interesting.
Its not.
It doesn't even act like a Sociology course. Seriously. All we have done in three weeks is look at vague histories and biographical "case studies." None of which are done by Sociological resources. 90% of our readings come from the same website. The articles are enormously repetitive, not to mention all of the materials are written at maybe high-school level, because its not meant to be a college course website. Besides that, the conferences we have to do are very stressful to me. I have to answer questions posed by the instructor--sure, makes sense--but why do I need to respond to people as well? I could understand if we were doing thinking exercises, but frankly what we are doing is regurgitating the website back on paper. There is *nothing* to respond to. Everyone says the same thing. None of it is Sociological even, and I feel like when I do try to use Sociological analysis that I get brushed off as being insensitive or something.
Then the teacher gives this awful paper. Its not long, but the instructions she emailed us and the instructions in the syllabus are totally different, so I am not sure what she wants. My assumption is she wants us to blend them together, and that the stuff she emailed is some sort of prompt, but it is not how it was worded. This makes writing the paper very difficult.
I just hate paying so much money for a course I feel like I could pass without attending. I hated that at Covenant too. I hate wasting my time with things where my participation is not valuable or helpful. I hate taking courses when the professor regurgitates the readings, or doesn't stay on subject at all. If I don't feel like putting my time into attending the course is going to benefit me, I am not going to attend a course. Period. If this were an in-person course, I wouldn't be going to it. And it bugs me because I don't have that much money and spending it on this course feels like a failure.
I am just so tired. I don't rest well. I have been in a lot of pain recently from an old shoulder injury which flared up. I couldn't move my head for two days. I get annoyed at work easily when I get brushed off as being the lesser of the two receptionists because I am younger and being made to work fewer hours (because the older one supposedly needs to make more, even though I am pretty sure I have more expenses since I have school payments). I have worked there for two years longer than she has. I do more of the basic work. Seriously, in the morning when we are checking people in she gets on her computer within the first hour and spends almost the whole day playing facebook games. I end up taking the information from people, I take more than half the phone calls, I run the payments, I put the cards away and pull the next day's. The only thing she regularly does that I don't is make the confirmation calls for the next day's appointments. That's it. But I get treated like the lesser employee and it annoys me. I get yelled at. I am the one at the bottom of the totem pole.
I am just tired of being treated as incompetent and as someone who doesn't deserve respect. I do my best. I really am. And I am so tired of doing my best. I am tired of my sister complaining to me all the time but brushing me off when I need to talk about something. I am tired of being relied on for all the difficult things but never approached for happy or exciting things. I am tired of my endless list of things to do. I am just so tired.
All I want to do is curl up in a quiet, dark room and listen to the sound of rain on the roof. But I can't get any quiet, I can't turn off the lights because I have so much to do, and it isn't even raining...
Perhaps its more exhaustion?
Who knows. All I know is my interest, motivation, and everything else is about nil. I need a fun, worry free day, but I know I am not going to get one. In fact, I can see no chance of one anywhere in the future. The only time I have off is either spent working, trying to rest (ha. ha.), studying, or, as it generally is, taking care of Reya (the puppy) and listening to my best friend prattle on.
Now just to clarify, I LOVE my best friend, and I love my puppy (though not as much as I love my cat, I admit. The cats are so much less trouble.) But the puppy is always barking or whining or chewing on me. Seriously, I have done every recommendation to get her to stop chewing on me I have seen, and NONE of them work. Even if I am holding her favorite toy near her mouth, she'll bend her head around and go for my fingers. Its dreadfully annoying. And painful. And she is a morning creature. I am very much not. She starts at it for attention very early, and when I get up and respond to her at the chosen time (I only start responding to her at 6:45 in the morning, which is still too early for me) she won't easily settle again. Which means on my days off I can't get any more sleep. But when I put her to bed she whines too, so its not like I can just go to bed earlier. Or worse yet, she doesn't whine and makes other noises which worry me, and are always nothing. So I am constantly on edge.
And I would have more fun with my best friend if she didn't insist on constantly talking my ear off about her fanfiction. I like the subject she writes on, and her stories are fine, its just that its all she talks about. If I try to talk to her about something going on with me, she will change the subject back in under five minutes. If I try to discuss a similar topic of interest to me, she changes it back immediately. I realize she is happy in her mini-fanfiction-celebrityness that she has going on, but after a few months I was hoping she would chill with it just a bit when she was with me. Besides that, she always wants to visit and spends the *whole* time on her smartphone. We go to dinner, on her smartphone. We go see a movie, before and after onto the phone she goes. We are discussing something, she is having two other conversations and checking facebook. Its rude. I tell her I don't like it, and she ignores me completely. Now that my sister has a phone she does it too. She wants me to show her things that have subtitles, and then spends half the time on her phone and doesn't catch it, so she badgers me with questions about it. If she were just talking to me as we watched it would be fine, but we aren't. Most of these things have to run off my computer, so its ends up taking up all of the time I could be spending doing something else.
So far we've only covered part of the issue though.
Classes.
So I have a condition which makes communicating with others difficult and emotionally exhausting. I do my best. I go to work. I try to see friends sometimes. I host people who visit the house. I take care of my puppy. I do my best. But seriously, its exhausting.
So I have five classes left til I am done with college. Just five. One I have to take at the school, I get that. The other four I should be able to do theoretically at an online school. So I applied for one. They are the worst organized school *ever*. The woman I spoke to never got back to me with questions, even if I badgered her email or phoned her. Supposedly I don't have English requirements, even though I have almost a complete English degree (missing one course). She messed up the Soc. classes I was supposed to take, so I only ended up in one of the courses I had applied for, after being told to take a math test (which I get), and that I don't have proof of Writing 101 (I have two advanced writing courses and a simple Composition class, but evidently that doesn't count as proof I can write). My options? Spend $800+ on a course I don't need to take so I can take another relatively simple English course.
So I got into one Sociology course. It looked like it would be really interesting.
Its not.
It doesn't even act like a Sociology course. Seriously. All we have done in three weeks is look at vague histories and biographical "case studies." None of which are done by Sociological resources. 90% of our readings come from the same website. The articles are enormously repetitive, not to mention all of the materials are written at maybe high-school level, because its not meant to be a college course website. Besides that, the conferences we have to do are very stressful to me. I have to answer questions posed by the instructor--sure, makes sense--but why do I need to respond to people as well? I could understand if we were doing thinking exercises, but frankly what we are doing is regurgitating the website back on paper. There is *nothing* to respond to. Everyone says the same thing. None of it is Sociological even, and I feel like when I do try to use Sociological analysis that I get brushed off as being insensitive or something.
Then the teacher gives this awful paper. Its not long, but the instructions she emailed us and the instructions in the syllabus are totally different, so I am not sure what she wants. My assumption is she wants us to blend them together, and that the stuff she emailed is some sort of prompt, but it is not how it was worded. This makes writing the paper very difficult.
I just hate paying so much money for a course I feel like I could pass without attending. I hated that at Covenant too. I hate wasting my time with things where my participation is not valuable or helpful. I hate taking courses when the professor regurgitates the readings, or doesn't stay on subject at all. If I don't feel like putting my time into attending the course is going to benefit me, I am not going to attend a course. Period. If this were an in-person course, I wouldn't be going to it. And it bugs me because I don't have that much money and spending it on this course feels like a failure.
I am just so tired. I don't rest well. I have been in a lot of pain recently from an old shoulder injury which flared up. I couldn't move my head for two days. I get annoyed at work easily when I get brushed off as being the lesser of the two receptionists because I am younger and being made to work fewer hours (because the older one supposedly needs to make more, even though I am pretty sure I have more expenses since I have school payments). I have worked there for two years longer than she has. I do more of the basic work. Seriously, in the morning when we are checking people in she gets on her computer within the first hour and spends almost the whole day playing facebook games. I end up taking the information from people, I take more than half the phone calls, I run the payments, I put the cards away and pull the next day's. The only thing she regularly does that I don't is make the confirmation calls for the next day's appointments. That's it. But I get treated like the lesser employee and it annoys me. I get yelled at. I am the one at the bottom of the totem pole.
I am just tired of being treated as incompetent and as someone who doesn't deserve respect. I do my best. I really am. And I am so tired of doing my best. I am tired of my sister complaining to me all the time but brushing me off when I need to talk about something. I am tired of being relied on for all the difficult things but never approached for happy or exciting things. I am tired of my endless list of things to do. I am just so tired.
All I want to do is curl up in a quiet, dark room and listen to the sound of rain on the roof. But I can't get any quiet, I can't turn off the lights because I have so much to do, and it isn't even raining...