memories dont fade. they just hide for a while.
you really cant forget a good laugh. while the joke may have slipped your mind completly and you have no idea why you started laughing in the first place the laugh is still there, and it probably was a damn good one. Five months later you read a quote you completly forgot about and you start up laughing again. Five years later your walking down the street and that same quote just randomly pops in your head making you laugh uncontrollably while mothers steer their children away from you. You may not remember the person who made you laugh but you certainly remember the laugh. That said I just got finished reading the past 40 entries of this journal going all the way back to winter break of last year, boy way to update Amy. Well life has certinly changed a bit, hell, A LOT since january of 2005. Here we are in month 11 of the year 05 and while I am not a completly different person I know that, like every year, I have grown more into the woman I am destined to become. And I wont find out who that woman is until the day I die when I look back on my life. Thats when we get to know all the secrets of life I think, that last day is when we really get to decide what kind of person we are. All those days leading up to it are rough drafts in a way. Anyhoo yes 11 months 40 journal entries I am changed... but not significantly I mean I'm still Amy, I will always be Amy but hopefully a slightly better version of that. Yes, I am in looooove and yes I am much happier then I have been in recent years. A lot calmer then I was in high school a lot more understanding then I was just a few short months ago but my persona still remains the same. All that you love and hate about me is probably still there hopefully more love then hate. My words are still the same, in six months I'll probably re-read this and go I wrote that? geesh. I still look the same, maybe a lil thinner or fatter depending on when you saw me last. I am just your memory visualized into your mind. You cannot see me right this minute unless you can and thats sort of creepy but for the moment you can't see me, the memory of me though might be filling you up right now. Maybe you can hear my voice as you read this, maybe you can see my face or smell my scent or hear my laugh. Is it true to the real me? Who knows maybe your memory is just an altered state of the truth but whatever works for you works for me unless an image of Hitler or Barbra Striesand is coming up, then we need to talk.
I dunno why Im writing all of this, It feels good to write something that wasnt even on your mind in the first place. Things I didnt even know I was thinking about is just spilling out into text format right in front of me. Too bad livejournal doesnt pay me per word. Now that would be dope.
Thinking about junior year so far I have no complaints, well I have complains, I always have complaints. I'm one of those people that always have to be pissed off about something. Now why wasn't I born in NYC? But no, nothing comparable to last year when I thought I was going to lose my mind, well when I actually did lose my mind for some time, got it back, lost it again, didn't care where it went, and then found it hiding under my bed next to my long lost sock. This year is treating me good. Same good friends, new good friends, busy scheduale, lots of work, and Im even doing hands on directing which is way cool but definitly stressin since we only have three yes count em three weeks to pull it off. Can I get an oy vey? When I think about my last two years at Purchase I smile because Purchase has been damn good to me and my friends, sure it sucks sometimes but I know I consider it home and when has anyone ever been happy at home? I know though in a year and a half I will be gone and this place will be considered home to another person and I will be out 'there' trying to make a new home. At least I have a head start; I know who I want in my home. I want my friends there, I want my family, I want my little spunky to come home to and scratch his butt, I want my Michael to be there... lets see where that goes. SO while I dont know where my home will be I know that I already feel comfortable in it. Even if a few friends or Mike dont make it along the way the memories of them will still be there to fill up the room and make it feel more like a home, my home.
I know Im just babbling on right now, I leave for Teaneck, my first home, tomorrow evening. I will be spending time with the people who were considered my first family and people whose presence is still strong in my life. I may run into someone who I hadn't seen in years but that ole memory section will trigger and it'll all come back to me, just as strong as ever. I will be staying at my fathers house, the place I've called home since the day they brought be back form the hospital until only recently. I dont know when but some time ago it stopped becoming my home and into my dads house. I know I still call it home becuase thats what it will always be to me, the home of my childhood and teen years. But its not my home anymore all that sunshine and warmth has faded and I dont think it can come back again no matter how hard I try, no matter how many rooms I paint. I can change the house but I cant change the memories, and those are really what you see when you look at those dry pale walls. Still it will be good to be home. It will be good to see the people who were there since the beginning, and then to come home to the people who keep it going.
There are six billion people in this world. Three billion are men Three billion are women, however many are black and however many are asian, about one million people live in NYC alone, there are probably a hundred Amy Grossman's in America alone, but I am the only Amy Grossman in your memory, and I am the only Amy Grossman that will be remembered for what I have done, and what laughs I have laughed and what jokes I have shared.
I dunno why Im writing all of this, It feels good to write something that wasnt even on your mind in the first place. Things I didnt even know I was thinking about is just spilling out into text format right in front of me. Too bad livejournal doesnt pay me per word. Now that would be dope.
Thinking about junior year so far I have no complaints, well I have complains, I always have complaints. I'm one of those people that always have to be pissed off about something. Now why wasn't I born in NYC? But no, nothing comparable to last year when I thought I was going to lose my mind, well when I actually did lose my mind for some time, got it back, lost it again, didn't care where it went, and then found it hiding under my bed next to my long lost sock. This year is treating me good. Same good friends, new good friends, busy scheduale, lots of work, and Im even doing hands on directing which is way cool but definitly stressin since we only have three yes count em three weeks to pull it off. Can I get an oy vey? When I think about my last two years at Purchase I smile because Purchase has been damn good to me and my friends, sure it sucks sometimes but I know I consider it home and when has anyone ever been happy at home? I know though in a year and a half I will be gone and this place will be considered home to another person and I will be out 'there' trying to make a new home. At least I have a head start; I know who I want in my home. I want my friends there, I want my family, I want my little spunky to come home to and scratch his butt, I want my Michael to be there... lets see where that goes. SO while I dont know where my home will be I know that I already feel comfortable in it. Even if a few friends or Mike dont make it along the way the memories of them will still be there to fill up the room and make it feel more like a home, my home.
I know Im just babbling on right now, I leave for Teaneck, my first home, tomorrow evening. I will be spending time with the people who were considered my first family and people whose presence is still strong in my life. I may run into someone who I hadn't seen in years but that ole memory section will trigger and it'll all come back to me, just as strong as ever. I will be staying at my fathers house, the place I've called home since the day they brought be back form the hospital until only recently. I dont know when but some time ago it stopped becoming my home and into my dads house. I know I still call it home becuase thats what it will always be to me, the home of my childhood and teen years. But its not my home anymore all that sunshine and warmth has faded and I dont think it can come back again no matter how hard I try, no matter how many rooms I paint. I can change the house but I cant change the memories, and those are really what you see when you look at those dry pale walls. Still it will be good to be home. It will be good to see the people who were there since the beginning, and then to come home to the people who keep it going.
There are six billion people in this world. Three billion are men Three billion are women, however many are black and however many are asian, about one million people live in NYC alone, there are probably a hundred Amy Grossman's in America alone, but I am the only Amy Grossman in your memory, and I am the only Amy Grossman that will be remembered for what I have done, and what laughs I have laughed and what jokes I have shared.