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Well... its been forever since i wrote on this journal but I figured I should get all my thoughts straight.. so here it goes... This weekend bob wrote how he was engaged on his facebook profile.. this while i tried to hide its effect on my mood leaked out and caused damage i fear with nate... so then this morning at bright and early 8am bob called
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So everyone knows I have been lonely. Romantically sure, but more importantly lonely because God has taken me and held me in front of a mirror I didn't want to face. Before I left I thought I knew who I was, you know that self-image we build of ourselves? Boy did I have a rude awakening. God showed me what a terrible friend I was to everyone around me. He showed me what a coward I was. How I mismanaged everything from time and money. He showed me that being a "loner" and doing things by yourself will leave you 100% alone. And I felt completely isolated, cut off. I recieved very few letters during BCT mostly my mom and grandma. A lot of people I wrote never wrote back or wrote at all. It showed me where I really was in standing with people. My brother gave me a cammo Bible before I left. I read it every night in BCT, I even read it at night when we were in the field. God showed me what it really meant to be alone. God showed me I wasn't alone when I put my life in His hands. He let my bunkmate be a preachers son, we had bible study every night in the laundry room after lights out.
So for anyone who questions my motives for talking to anyone that is why. For you Amy, for my friend Angie Culver who lives in England with her husband, for my old pal Dallas, Julie even I'm trying to get to know better, the list goes on, I'm reaching out to try and reconnect with people in the most genuine way I can since you ever met me. My heart has changed. Amy and every other reader, I told you that night too I think Nate is a great match for you didn't I? I told you I understood that you would never be mine again. I don't want to control you, I don't want to have a relationship with you beyond our friendship no matter what my heart says sometimes. I cause you too many problems I see that now. So I'm sure a lot of people will read this and say it's another play at you. If you haven't seen a change in me by now Amy then they're right. I don't care. I'm tired of feeling that any conversation I have with you being analyzed under a microscope for some hidden agenda. It honestly hurts a little to feel that way. All I want in my life are people to talk to. I've been quiet for ten weeks and my heart, mind and soul are dying to talk. The stuff I want to talk about doesn't exactly get you far in the barracks. Army guys aren't into what I am.
Look I'm not mad because I respect how you feel, but I realize I'm fighting a losing battle here to make a friendship out of this. So I won't talk to you as much.
Take care. Sincerely I mean that. Maybe we can try this friend stuff sometime in the future. Right now not so much it sounds.
Nate hopefully Amy told you the nice things I had to say about you too. Maybe we got on the wrong foot at first. Sure I may not be the most likeable person but I also told Amy you were right about how I shouldn't have so much bearing on your relationship with her. I understand why you don't like me. She isn't giving you much reason to. But I from the bottom of my heart mean you both well.
Bob
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