in the big easy
Sorry for the lack of postage lately. Not really sure who I'm apologizing to, since I doubt anyone really keeps up with this, but whatever... sorry to you. The school year ended without a lot of stress, surprisingly. I didn't take the virginia audition, so that left my life much less hectic than it could have been. I didn't have any finals either, which was amazing. Starting the friday before finals week, it was pretty much a giant drink-fest. Cormac wanted to have a masterspalooza celebration for the week since he was graduating. We had many many cookouts, two trips to montgomery inn, a night at christys, bowling, golf, and a kick-ass graduation party held at tony and my apartment club house. catered by jimmy johns. I had several gin and tonics followed by several guinesses. it was magical. until i woke up at 4 am in bed fully clothed with no recollection of how i got there. it was like undergrad all over again.
sunday morning tony and I packed up our stuff and then headed towards new orleans with whiskey. we had a hotel reservation in cullman alabama and actually slept for a long time. I got a migraine and knocked myself out with some medicine after a delicious and healthy dinner of mc donalds. we drove the rest of the way monday morning and have been here ever since. so far the trip has been good. the dogs are getting along well, which is excellent. Had some cane's on monday, some boiled crabs and crawfish tonight, plus some sonic for dessert. tony's mom bought me an awesome dress for this wedding we are going to on friday. I've been reading some and just trying to relax without feeling restless, which is difficult for me. sometimes i get this mental itch when i dont have anything to do that drives me crazy.
Saturday morning tony leaves for austin for a conducting clinic and I fly to dayton. upon arrival my parents are picking me up and we are driving to indianapolis to go pick up my bassoon from the repair shop. (last friday i took a day trip to drop off my bassoon in indy to get cleaned and repaired and pretty, then i drove to bloomington to hang out with ludwig for the afternoon. it was super fun.) Then sunday morning after a father's day brunch, my mom and I are leaving for pennsylvania for the week to visit my grandmother, aunt, uncle, and other assorted relatives. I am bringing my bassoon, so it will be nice to be able to practice and get some work done.
after that trip, I work and play in the CCM conducting clinic for a week, then have assorted chamber players rehearsals and concerts, then on July 6th, its off to IRELAND. I am ridiculously excited about this trip. I keep thinking of things i want to do in preparation for it and what i want to bring. at the wasbe conference we are playing 3 different concerts/clinics and then we are doing other concerts in killarney, limerick and dublin. On one of the concerts at wasbe and the outside concerts we are doing the andriessen, which I am really excited and humbled about. I guess I can put international soloist on my resume? not really sure how that works, exactly. Also amazing, I might be playing a solo piece with chamber players next year.... maybe at omea state conference in cinci. Not final yet, but exciting nonetheless. Its a wonderful and surreal feeling to be in a position the last year where people have respect and admiration for my playing. there are many times where it doesn't feel like reality, but rather I am in a dream in which my deepest desires for recognition are being realized. Wishes that i would not dare to admit for fear of ridicule or disdain. I finally admitted to winstead that i felt that my technique on bassoon was inadequate and that it was holding me back. to which he shouted "bullshit!" this summer proves to be an interesting period of growth in my musical and mental state.
there have been so many thoughts swimming in my head recently. this is the problem with me having so much unoccupied time to think. I can quite remember at the moment who said "the unexamined life is not worth living," but i cannot quite agree in my present mindset. for the past few months, ignorance has been bliss. When i have the opportunity to think at length, and examine my life and myself as a person, i just have the tendency to get depressed and angry at myself. I hate that my personality and my sardonic, critical nature gets out of control sometimes without my awareness. i hate that i hurt people with this and that i don't realize. i feel like my emotional compass is askew. i get angry at myself for not feeling guilty about things which i know i should... but yet i torture myself at other times with guilt over insignificant issues. there are moments when i feel that i am ridiculously selfish and others in which i feel that i ignore my own desires and feelings in order to make others happy. I know that there is usually a balance to these things, but overall, I feel that i am a selfish person. oftentimes i choose the easy way out, or instant gratification over what is more virtuous and right. I dont know what to do with myself. i struggle so frequently with this urge for people to like me and i rather despise myself at the moment. are different people naturally more selfish than others? i really don't mean for things to be all about me most of the time, but when i step outside of myself and gain some perspective, that's what how it appears. I wonder if i will ever be able to become the person i think i should be. or if i should accept that i am not necessarily as good and kind as most others are. that i am selfish.
i realize writing about myself in this blog is self-centered and narcissistic, but that just adds to the delicious irony.
ok, no more of this for the moment. all of these thoughts are still rather unfocused and fuzzy around the edges. your thoughts are always encouraged. don't worry, i'm not depressed or suicidal, just contemplative. no calls to the 1-800 hotline are necessary
sunday morning tony and I packed up our stuff and then headed towards new orleans with whiskey. we had a hotel reservation in cullman alabama and actually slept for a long time. I got a migraine and knocked myself out with some medicine after a delicious and healthy dinner of mc donalds. we drove the rest of the way monday morning and have been here ever since. so far the trip has been good. the dogs are getting along well, which is excellent. Had some cane's on monday, some boiled crabs and crawfish tonight, plus some sonic for dessert. tony's mom bought me an awesome dress for this wedding we are going to on friday. I've been reading some and just trying to relax without feeling restless, which is difficult for me. sometimes i get this mental itch when i dont have anything to do that drives me crazy.
Saturday morning tony leaves for austin for a conducting clinic and I fly to dayton. upon arrival my parents are picking me up and we are driving to indianapolis to go pick up my bassoon from the repair shop. (last friday i took a day trip to drop off my bassoon in indy to get cleaned and repaired and pretty, then i drove to bloomington to hang out with ludwig for the afternoon. it was super fun.) Then sunday morning after a father's day brunch, my mom and I are leaving for pennsylvania for the week to visit my grandmother, aunt, uncle, and other assorted relatives. I am bringing my bassoon, so it will be nice to be able to practice and get some work done.
after that trip, I work and play in the CCM conducting clinic for a week, then have assorted chamber players rehearsals and concerts, then on July 6th, its off to IRELAND. I am ridiculously excited about this trip. I keep thinking of things i want to do in preparation for it and what i want to bring. at the wasbe conference we are playing 3 different concerts/clinics and then we are doing other concerts in killarney, limerick and dublin. On one of the concerts at wasbe and the outside concerts we are doing the andriessen, which I am really excited and humbled about. I guess I can put international soloist on my resume? not really sure how that works, exactly. Also amazing, I might be playing a solo piece with chamber players next year.... maybe at omea state conference in cinci. Not final yet, but exciting nonetheless. Its a wonderful and surreal feeling to be in a position the last year where people have respect and admiration for my playing. there are many times where it doesn't feel like reality, but rather I am in a dream in which my deepest desires for recognition are being realized. Wishes that i would not dare to admit for fear of ridicule or disdain. I finally admitted to winstead that i felt that my technique on bassoon was inadequate and that it was holding me back. to which he shouted "bullshit!" this summer proves to be an interesting period of growth in my musical and mental state.
there have been so many thoughts swimming in my head recently. this is the problem with me having so much unoccupied time to think. I can quite remember at the moment who said "the unexamined life is not worth living," but i cannot quite agree in my present mindset. for the past few months, ignorance has been bliss. When i have the opportunity to think at length, and examine my life and myself as a person, i just have the tendency to get depressed and angry at myself. I hate that my personality and my sardonic, critical nature gets out of control sometimes without my awareness. i hate that i hurt people with this and that i don't realize. i feel like my emotional compass is askew. i get angry at myself for not feeling guilty about things which i know i should... but yet i torture myself at other times with guilt over insignificant issues. there are moments when i feel that i am ridiculously selfish and others in which i feel that i ignore my own desires and feelings in order to make others happy. I know that there is usually a balance to these things, but overall, I feel that i am a selfish person. oftentimes i choose the easy way out, or instant gratification over what is more virtuous and right. I dont know what to do with myself. i struggle so frequently with this urge for people to like me and i rather despise myself at the moment. are different people naturally more selfish than others? i really don't mean for things to be all about me most of the time, but when i step outside of myself and gain some perspective, that's what how it appears. I wonder if i will ever be able to become the person i think i should be. or if i should accept that i am not necessarily as good and kind as most others are. that i am selfish.
i realize writing about myself in this blog is self-centered and narcissistic, but that just adds to the delicious irony.
ok, no more of this for the moment. all of these thoughts are still rather unfocused and fuzzy around the edges. your thoughts are always encouraged. don't worry, i'm not depressed or suicidal, just contemplative. no calls to the 1-800 hotline are necessary