how to turn the corner?
I am still in the funk that i got into when i posted about clothes, and i know i should not have done that, because clothes continue to be one of the things that send me on massive anxiety spirals. You'd think twentysomething years later i would have gotten over it, but no, i have not. I fucking hate buying clothes, i hate that i can never, ever find anything that fits me, i hate when people give me all these "helpful" suggestions that only send me even deeper into despair.
To try to break myself out of it last week, i ordered a couple of tanks on Amazon, because they ship to Taiwan, and then i felt even more sick at myself, for sending money to an evil tech company, for buying cheap tanks imported from whatever sweatshops to the United States, and then sent back across the Pacific to Taiwan, and i wonder how much carbon is being burned delivering clothes to me that probably won't fit anyway. I know when they finally arrive i will be sent back into another loop of self-loathing, but placing the order at least hit pause on the very bad mental space that i ended up in last weekend, one which fucked up an entire 4 day holiday that should have been rejuvenating but instead left me emotionally drained.
Then back at work and it's another week of shitty fucking work shit. It's the start of the quarter so i've been trying to front-load all the tasks that i know are going to be the highest stress and have the most struggle due to cross-team drama. I figure start it early so when it inevitably turns into a huge fucking asspain, at least that won't be at the end of the quarter when we are supposed to be showing off our results to the bosses. But that also means, yeah, i am in a precarious mental state and now at work i am doing the stuff i most hate, the stuff that forces me to interact with a bunch of teams in Europe, where i need to wait 30+ minutes for a build to complete to see if a test passed, where i need to wait overnight for feedback, where i need to wait days for a deployment, where all i do is wait and not get anything done. Fuck!
And then i recognize that i'm being tough on the junior guy on our team, i am giving him strict code reviews because i want him to get better and not turn into a "lazy developer" who just produces shit. A lot of his problems are related to poor language skills. It's a major issue for young people in the industry who mistakenly think their job is to input a series of algorithms that make the computer do things. Their actual job is to design systems that can be understood and reused and built upon by their colleagues and every developer who comes after them, not to mention produce clear and consistent results for non-technical users. I overheard him gossiping about me to someone else, and how he felt i was being too harsh because his (unreadable) solution worked, and that made me feel even more shitty about myself, even though i know i am right to emphasize what i do.
So what better time to get another email from immigration saying that my gold card application has been returned. Again. Do you remember i filed an application for an employment gold card back in January? They've returned it multiple times asking for more documentation, then suggested to file it with a different office, and now - after getting the correct office - it came back a fucking gain. I didn't even open the email on Thursday. I couldn't handle another slap in the face, another instance of me fucking sucking, me being the most useless person in the world, me being a failure, a disappointment, unworthy of approval, bla bla bla.
You know it even gets to the point where i leave a comment online about something i care about and some random internet person reacts with a poop emoji because who knows why and then that makes me feel like wow, i obviously deserved that because i am, after all, a piece of shit. Nothing i do or say matters. I try to connect with people at work, but the moment i answer a Slack thread the whole thread shuts down. What did i do wrong? Why does everybody hate me so much?
And it's so pathetic, it's so juvenile, it's so NOT FUCKING ME. I am not this fragile, insecure wimp who collapses like a soufflé at every slight. Like, i don't fucking care about other people! I don't care what they think, i don't care about performing some normative role in society, i love being alone! I love being me! I am awesome! But stuck in this depressive state, it doesn't actually matter what the reality is, it only matters what this imaginary persecution complex i have come up with is. I know it's imaginary, but the fact that i am letting it get to me anyway means i'm weak! And if i'm weak, well then obviously i am a loser, and so it goes, circling the drain.
This weekend i need to get out and do something. Last night there was a warmup event for an upcoming outdoor festival i plan to attend, but i was utterly spent after work and fast asleep before the doors even opened. Tonight there are not one but two - count 'em - events that interest me. One is an oldskool cheesy acid trance act who are doing a live show in a venue i never been to before, another appears to be a slow, disco-ish groovy house night at the one small and comfortable club i have visited in Taipei. Both start at 11pm, when i am usually just about to turn off the lights.
I miss daytime clubbing so much.
But even if i don't make it out to a gig, maybe tomorrow i need to go for a bike ride. Last time i went up to Bali i went to the little cafeteria that i have now frequented often enough that the owners know me. I like them because they always have lots of beans and greens, and they put chili.
I got a bit of fish last time. I try to pick up a bit of fish or a bit of pork once every couple weeks just in case i need some B12 or other nutrient i am not getting in my (vegan) home-cooked diet. Although, in truth, if my normal diet was missing something critical i'd know about it, so perhaps just getting the occasional bit of meat is more a way to feel connected to this society that i live in, or remind myself to not live completely in my low carbon bubble.
I did find another really great thing at the small marketplace alley near my house. It's a 光餅, which is a type of bread from Fujian that has a lot in common with a bagel. Looks like a bagel. Tastes like a bagel. It's tiny, though, and cooked on the side of an oven like a naan. You can get filled ones, but the plain ones are better with peanut butter.
You need to be early to get them, though. This morning i didn't go through the alley, but on my grocery loop i did make it to the baker who does 火餅 which is another type of naan or 饃-like bread that i try to pick up on the weekends. I prefer to give money to local bakers and market stall owners than get an industrial-baked baguette from the Carrefour.
I've actually been getting better and better at finding stalls in Taipei, which is a city that doesn't really have the greatest wet markets. Now i get almost all of my greens from the market, also usually chilis and garlic depending on freshness, chili oil from the dumpling lady and so on.
I think one of the old ladies i used to buy peanuts from died recently. One day she wasn't in the sprawling store whose wares spilled out all over the street in various sacks and vats of questionable hygiene, and i asked the old man who sat out front of the shop every day where the boss was, and he said she was sick, and then next week the shop was gone, replaced with a much tidier storefront with a younger proprietor who is not selling anything i am interested in.
My God, if i ever get this damn gold card then it's just a 3 year countdown to permanent residence, at which point i can finally quit working in Taipei, move to the south where the weather is better and the markets are more bountiful, and maybe i'll become an old lady selling tofus and chilis and spices and peanuts, and then i'll die too, unnoticed by everyone, but at least it will have been amongst things i love.
I need to try to soak in the good things, because if i don't then my life is just work and rain and work and being an ogre.
To try to break myself out of it last week, i ordered a couple of tanks on Amazon, because they ship to Taiwan, and then i felt even more sick at myself, for sending money to an evil tech company, for buying cheap tanks imported from whatever sweatshops to the United States, and then sent back across the Pacific to Taiwan, and i wonder how much carbon is being burned delivering clothes to me that probably won't fit anyway. I know when they finally arrive i will be sent back into another loop of self-loathing, but placing the order at least hit pause on the very bad mental space that i ended up in last weekend, one which fucked up an entire 4 day holiday that should have been rejuvenating but instead left me emotionally drained.
Then back at work and it's another week of shitty fucking work shit. It's the start of the quarter so i've been trying to front-load all the tasks that i know are going to be the highest stress and have the most struggle due to cross-team drama. I figure start it early so when it inevitably turns into a huge fucking asspain, at least that won't be at the end of the quarter when we are supposed to be showing off our results to the bosses. But that also means, yeah, i am in a precarious mental state and now at work i am doing the stuff i most hate, the stuff that forces me to interact with a bunch of teams in Europe, where i need to wait 30+ minutes for a build to complete to see if a test passed, where i need to wait overnight for feedback, where i need to wait days for a deployment, where all i do is wait and not get anything done. Fuck!
And then i recognize that i'm being tough on the junior guy on our team, i am giving him strict code reviews because i want him to get better and not turn into a "lazy developer" who just produces shit. A lot of his problems are related to poor language skills. It's a major issue for young people in the industry who mistakenly think their job is to input a series of algorithms that make the computer do things. Their actual job is to design systems that can be understood and reused and built upon by their colleagues and every developer who comes after them, not to mention produce clear and consistent results for non-technical users. I overheard him gossiping about me to someone else, and how he felt i was being too harsh because his (unreadable) solution worked, and that made me feel even more shitty about myself, even though i know i am right to emphasize what i do.
So what better time to get another email from immigration saying that my gold card application has been returned. Again. Do you remember i filed an application for an employment gold card back in January? They've returned it multiple times asking for more documentation, then suggested to file it with a different office, and now - after getting the correct office - it came back a fucking gain. I didn't even open the email on Thursday. I couldn't handle another slap in the face, another instance of me fucking sucking, me being the most useless person in the world, me being a failure, a disappointment, unworthy of approval, bla bla bla.
You know it even gets to the point where i leave a comment online about something i care about and some random internet person reacts with a poop emoji because who knows why and then that makes me feel like wow, i obviously deserved that because i am, after all, a piece of shit. Nothing i do or say matters. I try to connect with people at work, but the moment i answer a Slack thread the whole thread shuts down. What did i do wrong? Why does everybody hate me so much?
And it's so pathetic, it's so juvenile, it's so NOT FUCKING ME. I am not this fragile, insecure wimp who collapses like a soufflé at every slight. Like, i don't fucking care about other people! I don't care what they think, i don't care about performing some normative role in society, i love being alone! I love being me! I am awesome! But stuck in this depressive state, it doesn't actually matter what the reality is, it only matters what this imaginary persecution complex i have come up with is. I know it's imaginary, but the fact that i am letting it get to me anyway means i'm weak! And if i'm weak, well then obviously i am a loser, and so it goes, circling the drain.
This weekend i need to get out and do something. Last night there was a warmup event for an upcoming outdoor festival i plan to attend, but i was utterly spent after work and fast asleep before the doors even opened. Tonight there are not one but two - count 'em - events that interest me. One is an oldskool cheesy acid trance act who are doing a live show in a venue i never been to before, another appears to be a slow, disco-ish groovy house night at the one small and comfortable club i have visited in Taipei. Both start at 11pm, when i am usually just about to turn off the lights.
I miss daytime clubbing so much.
But even if i don't make it out to a gig, maybe tomorrow i need to go for a bike ride. Last time i went up to Bali i went to the little cafeteria that i have now frequented often enough that the owners know me. I like them because they always have lots of beans and greens, and they put chili.
I got a bit of fish last time. I try to pick up a bit of fish or a bit of pork once every couple weeks just in case i need some B12 or other nutrient i am not getting in my (vegan) home-cooked diet. Although, in truth, if my normal diet was missing something critical i'd know about it, so perhaps just getting the occasional bit of meat is more a way to feel connected to this society that i live in, or remind myself to not live completely in my low carbon bubble.
I did find another really great thing at the small marketplace alley near my house. It's a 光餅, which is a type of bread from Fujian that has a lot in common with a bagel. Looks like a bagel. Tastes like a bagel. It's tiny, though, and cooked on the side of an oven like a naan. You can get filled ones, but the plain ones are better with peanut butter.
You need to be early to get them, though. This morning i didn't go through the alley, but on my grocery loop i did make it to the baker who does 火餅 which is another type of naan or 饃-like bread that i try to pick up on the weekends. I prefer to give money to local bakers and market stall owners than get an industrial-baked baguette from the Carrefour.
I've actually been getting better and better at finding stalls in Taipei, which is a city that doesn't really have the greatest wet markets. Now i get almost all of my greens from the market, also usually chilis and garlic depending on freshness, chili oil from the dumpling lady and so on.
I think one of the old ladies i used to buy peanuts from died recently. One day she wasn't in the sprawling store whose wares spilled out all over the street in various sacks and vats of questionable hygiene, and i asked the old man who sat out front of the shop every day where the boss was, and he said she was sick, and then next week the shop was gone, replaced with a much tidier storefront with a younger proprietor who is not selling anything i am interested in.
My God, if i ever get this damn gold card then it's just a 3 year countdown to permanent residence, at which point i can finally quit working in Taipei, move to the south where the weather is better and the markets are more bountiful, and maybe i'll become an old lady selling tofus and chilis and spices and peanuts, and then i'll die too, unnoticed by everyone, but at least it will have been amongst things i love.
I need to try to soak in the good things, because if i don't then my life is just work and rain and work and being an ogre.