how i look from the outside
Since i hardly ever hang out with other people, especially not other people who take photos of me, i rarely get a glimpse of how i look to them. I don't even think much about how i look to me. I do take the occasional selfie, but that's more for the benefit of my friends and family, to let them know i'm alive, happy and generally in good health. On
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I love that blurry picture holding hands with your friend as she's looking back candidly. The both of you look like you enjoyed Laos.
The accoutrements of femininity are plentiful and are generally time consuming, expensive, and uncomfortable on purpose. One of the meanest things I've ever done to a stranger personally... was to a drunk lady who was screaming racist epithets at someone as she walked away from them. I used my compliments... for evil. She was one of those women wearing a super-short party dress in strappy stillettos so painful she was limping and wincing as she walked/stumbled around. I looked her in the eyes and told her those were AMAZING shoes, and that they made her look **fabulously sexy** (not a compliment I generally give strangers... but figured it would coast since she was drunk and apparently hungry for attention).
She regained her composure and thanked me with a story about how cheap they were, then girded herself to stiffly walk away from me as if her . But I knew the truth... they hurt like hell... but she was DEFINITELY going to wear those horrible shoes again no matter how they mangled her feet.
I still feel bad, but only if I forget that she was screaming hateful shit at someone when I did that.
When I realized early in my teenage years how silly our masculine/feminine cultural markers (long hair vs short hair, pants vs skirts, flat shoes vs heels, color palettes, etc) were, I lost all faith that the concept of gender having any real tangible social worth, except as a power indicator. I had a friend who was extravagantly attractive... and also lived as mostly androgynous, although she identified as a gay butch cis female. EVERYONE was attracted to her. Man or woman, straight or gay... everyone thought my friend was the most attractive [kind of person they are sexually attracted to] they'd ever seen.... and watching her go through all the misdirected anger of people who felt "tricked" when she turned out to be... nothing but herself as so educational. No matter the clothes/accessories/behaviors etc... she wore she was "tricking" SOMEONE, just for existing in the plane of other people's attention/attraction/assumptions/expectations.
It's a long road to self-acceptance/self-confidence. I like your attitude about it all. It makes a lot more sense than so many other people's way of dealing with all these concepts and pressures.
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Well, K is very photogenic.
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