lost voice and a lot of television
I can't do it. I just can't do it. I hate the expat network so much.
This happened in China, exactly the fucking same thing, "helpful" expats and wife-of-expat or local-friend-of-expat trying to find a place for me to stay, oh yeah, super cheap, super secure location, please come stay in this fucking prison full of expats. No. Fucking. No. I won't do it.
Just like in China, i would rather pay more money for a hotel with no hot water, no kitchen, no services worth a damn besides a bed and a sink to ensure my freedom and independence. I don't want to owe anyone anything. I absolutely detest this "friend" bullshit fakeness, where people try to get you a backroom deal or some damn bullshit. I hate when people try offer me shit like that, it's sleazy and gross. You want to rent a room, put it on the market where everyone has an equal chance.
I remember when i was with J she used to tell me that was one of things she hated about going to temple, that the messaging would always be to look out for her people first, then worry about everyone else. She didn't feel it was equitable and i agree. I suppose my people are the third culture kids, army brats, expats, travelers, whatever you want to call us. That's my tribe. And i want pretty much nothing to do with them. Not in the abstract - many of my friends even right here on LJ are expats - but i mean in my everyday life i don't want to be part of "the community", such as it is. I find it creepy to construct this weird meta-community on top of the real community where you actually live and then favor that one ahead of everybody else.
-o-
I wrote the above couple paragraphs sitting on the stoop at my Spanish school having a mini panic attack because i didn't want to deal with a foreigner i met here showing me some room they knew of where i could stay for the month of January. I have since calmed down, but i wanted to post it unadulterated for posterity. I hate it. I fucking hate the idea of getting shit from a friends network or - worse - the expat network. If i accept the help then it feels like i am beholden to someone and will always owe them something, but even if i don't accept the help it feels like they have made me privy to some kind of ugly, insular corner of society where an already relatively rich and privileged group looks after their own instead of trying to lift up the less fortunate. It feels like some weird version of segregation.
I know this is a bit hysterical and in reality i am much more chill about people who do shit for their buddies. But i think it's hitting me harder right now because i am slogging away in this fucking miserable "work" life of going to school. It's not fun. It's not a vacation. It's work. I am working. And i just signed up for another month of it. So i am emotionally fragile, completely exhausted, frustrated that i don't have any freedom any more, and then some libertarian expat comes along and tries to suggest me a place to rent from another expat in an expat part of town, and i just wanted to scream.
Also, i am still sick. Friday night i lost my voice. Completely. Like, i could not utter a single word any more. Only hissing and gasping came out. Pretty sure it's not COVID, i haven't had much coughing or other symptoms, this is pure laryngitis. All weekend i could not speak at all. I bought some chewing gum to try generate saliva. I drank a ton of water. No shower steam or hot water gargling available in this hotel, but i did what i could and today i got back to school and was able to spend 4 hours in class talking. But i know it redamaged my throat and i just hope i don't lose my voice again.
The best thing about the weekend is i marathoned a bunch of television. As well as finishing the first season of Foundation, which was fantastic, i also watched Cowboy Bebop, Schmigadoon, Red Election and Snowpiercer (season 2).
Cowboy Bebop was like a better version of Firefly, but that's damning with faint praise because Firefly fucking sucked. At least Cowboy Bebop was intermittently funny, but i won't miss it much. It was all a bit trope-y, and unnecessarily violent too. I don't get why sci-fi shows need so much gore. It only works for me when it's mass murder on an epic scale and the whole point of the story is to show how horrific absolute power is. (See: Foundation.) To name-drop another entry in the crowded category of sci-fi shows featuring a rag-tag group of space outlaws, Star Trek: Prodigy was a more wholesome watch.
Schmigadoon was really stupid, but sometimes when you're sick a musical is just the ticket.
Red Election was a silly spy story, but i love spy stories, so i enjoyed all the implausible chicanery and outrageous double-crosses and social commentary on Russia and the UK and our modern political climate.
Snowpiercer season 2 was also dumb, but when your pretext for a show is "the whole of humanity is trapped on a train going in an endless loop and the train can't stop or everyone will die", you kinda know what you're in for. I see Snowpiercer as a spiritual successor to The 100 - an unnecessarily gory post-apocalypse show where you know everyone is going to inexplicably change sides at least three times before the end of the season, leaving all the characters with few, if any, redeeming qualities. But somehow still fun to watch. It also features Alison Wright stealing the show in a role similar to her stint as Martha in The Americans.
Wow, i don't usually gush about television here. I think it's because last weekend is the first time i have marathoned any shows in months. Probably because it's also the first time in months that i've just spent two solid days in bed, completely on my own schedule. I missed it, to be honest. Just doing nothing the way i want to do nothing is the best antidote to the work blues. And the sickness blues. In fact, i think i will go start another show this evening. Blade Runner: Black Lotus and season two of COBRA would probably continue the thread of sci-fi and spy stories. Let's go. I need to decompress. Grumble grumble.
This happened in China, exactly the fucking same thing, "helpful" expats and wife-of-expat or local-friend-of-expat trying to find a place for me to stay, oh yeah, super cheap, super secure location, please come stay in this fucking prison full of expats. No. Fucking. No. I won't do it.
Just like in China, i would rather pay more money for a hotel with no hot water, no kitchen, no services worth a damn besides a bed and a sink to ensure my freedom and independence. I don't want to owe anyone anything. I absolutely detest this "friend" bullshit fakeness, where people try to get you a backroom deal or some damn bullshit. I hate when people try offer me shit like that, it's sleazy and gross. You want to rent a room, put it on the market where everyone has an equal chance.
I remember when i was with J she used to tell me that was one of things she hated about going to temple, that the messaging would always be to look out for her people first, then worry about everyone else. She didn't feel it was equitable and i agree. I suppose my people are the third culture kids, army brats, expats, travelers, whatever you want to call us. That's my tribe. And i want pretty much nothing to do with them. Not in the abstract - many of my friends even right here on LJ are expats - but i mean in my everyday life i don't want to be part of "the community", such as it is. I find it creepy to construct this weird meta-community on top of the real community where you actually live and then favor that one ahead of everybody else.
-o-
I wrote the above couple paragraphs sitting on the stoop at my Spanish school having a mini panic attack because i didn't want to deal with a foreigner i met here showing me some room they knew of where i could stay for the month of January. I have since calmed down, but i wanted to post it unadulterated for posterity. I hate it. I fucking hate the idea of getting shit from a friends network or - worse - the expat network. If i accept the help then it feels like i am beholden to someone and will always owe them something, but even if i don't accept the help it feels like they have made me privy to some kind of ugly, insular corner of society where an already relatively rich and privileged group looks after their own instead of trying to lift up the less fortunate. It feels like some weird version of segregation.
I know this is a bit hysterical and in reality i am much more chill about people who do shit for their buddies. But i think it's hitting me harder right now because i am slogging away in this fucking miserable "work" life of going to school. It's not fun. It's not a vacation. It's work. I am working. And i just signed up for another month of it. So i am emotionally fragile, completely exhausted, frustrated that i don't have any freedom any more, and then some libertarian expat comes along and tries to suggest me a place to rent from another expat in an expat part of town, and i just wanted to scream.
Also, i am still sick. Friday night i lost my voice. Completely. Like, i could not utter a single word any more. Only hissing and gasping came out. Pretty sure it's not COVID, i haven't had much coughing or other symptoms, this is pure laryngitis. All weekend i could not speak at all. I bought some chewing gum to try generate saliva. I drank a ton of water. No shower steam or hot water gargling available in this hotel, but i did what i could and today i got back to school and was able to spend 4 hours in class talking. But i know it redamaged my throat and i just hope i don't lose my voice again.
The best thing about the weekend is i marathoned a bunch of television. As well as finishing the first season of Foundation, which was fantastic, i also watched Cowboy Bebop, Schmigadoon, Red Election and Snowpiercer (season 2).
Cowboy Bebop was like a better version of Firefly, but that's damning with faint praise because Firefly fucking sucked. At least Cowboy Bebop was intermittently funny, but i won't miss it much. It was all a bit trope-y, and unnecessarily violent too. I don't get why sci-fi shows need so much gore. It only works for me when it's mass murder on an epic scale and the whole point of the story is to show how horrific absolute power is. (See: Foundation.) To name-drop another entry in the crowded category of sci-fi shows featuring a rag-tag group of space outlaws, Star Trek: Prodigy was a more wholesome watch.
Schmigadoon was really stupid, but sometimes when you're sick a musical is just the ticket.
Red Election was a silly spy story, but i love spy stories, so i enjoyed all the implausible chicanery and outrageous double-crosses and social commentary on Russia and the UK and our modern political climate.
Snowpiercer season 2 was also dumb, but when your pretext for a show is "the whole of humanity is trapped on a train going in an endless loop and the train can't stop or everyone will die", you kinda know what you're in for. I see Snowpiercer as a spiritual successor to The 100 - an unnecessarily gory post-apocalypse show where you know everyone is going to inexplicably change sides at least three times before the end of the season, leaving all the characters with few, if any, redeeming qualities. But somehow still fun to watch. It also features Alison Wright stealing the show in a role similar to her stint as Martha in The Americans.
Wow, i don't usually gush about television here. I think it's because last weekend is the first time i have marathoned any shows in months. Probably because it's also the first time in months that i've just spent two solid days in bed, completely on my own schedule. I missed it, to be honest. Just doing nothing the way i want to do nothing is the best antidote to the work blues. And the sickness blues. In fact, i think i will go start another show this evening. Blade Runner: Black Lotus and season two of COBRA would probably continue the thread of sci-fi and spy stories. Let's go. I need to decompress. Grumble grumble.