My Dorota.
So, as I see it, Dorota is by far the best character on Gossip Girl.
First of all, she doesn't even exist in the books so
For one thing, she's already made a name for herself by appearing out of nowhere.
She's always everywhere, so you know she knows ALL of the dirt.
You would think she knows so much that perhaps, in fact, do I dare say it?
Could Dorota be GOSSIP GIRL?!?!?!
That's my hypothesis anyway, I mean she's such a little sneak!
You never know what that plump, polish maid will do next!
So, with my hypothesis (as well as like three other of my friends')
I decided to start the "Ultimate Twist" on Gossip Girl
(Well, Jared and I did. The Ultimate Twist started with The Bachelor (ha ha gag me)
In which I text Jared the happenings of each day's latest gossip in
Gossip Girl: The Ultimate Twist
Dorota? Gossip Girl?
(The texts listed below are written by me.
Just assume that Jared's responses always invloved
Addition Polymers of (ha-ha)n )
(Also, I begin with the cellphone because my absolute favorite
Dorota moment is ironically when she doesn't even say anything.
Season One, Episode 11: Roman Holiday, one of the last scenes
Blair hands Dorota a new cell phone box. Blair taps on the box
With her perfectly manicured nails: "So we can text," she says
And Dorota gives one of her infamous creepsin smiles. Classic.)
1) Dorota and her cell phone. What will Dorota text to Gossip Girl next?
Is Dorota Gossip girl?
2) In an Ultimate Twist... Blair is a lesbian and Dorota,
Whom Blair just found out is her real mother, sets up
With Vanessa. Nate, Blair's ex and Vanessa's current bf,
Gets mad.
3) Nate is then so depressed that he tries to commit suicide
By standing on the edge of Victrola with a glass of wine when
Chuck comes out and is like "Dude, I already tried that and since
Blair is a lesbo now and won't come and save you like she did me
and Dan and Serena have that wierd insestual relationship going on,
I guess the only thing left to do is for us to finally sleep together
And complete this visious cycle of hook ups.
[If I could edit at this point, I'd say Nate says, "But Chuck,
Don't you love women? Are you gay now? What are you?"
Chuck replies simply, "I'm Chuck Bass." Not unlike the Todd
In Scrubs.]
4) So then, just as Chuck and Nate are about to ...
You know...
Lily comes up to Chuck and grabs his hand and professes
Her love to him. Which is an ultimate twist on Lily wanting
Chuck to become apart of the family. Chuck being the horn ball
That he is obviously accepts Lily's plea and says sorry to Nate
Which leaves Nate even more depressed than before...
[It's like a sick, insestual, twisted Graduate.]
5) In the ultimate twist, as Nate is left depressed and Chuck and Lily...
Nate leaves Victrola with his head hung low, his man bangs making it
Impossible to see. As he's about to cross the street, he sees what appears
To be someone a tad on the shorter and stumpier side dressed in a snowman
Costume handing out free hot chocolate. Nate refuses the hot chocolate and
Says, "I almost just turned gay, do you think I want hot chocolate?!"
As soon as Nate leaves, a little square, blue light can be seen from inside the
Human snowman. A few seconds later all of the Upper East Sides' phones
Start to ring with a new message:
Poor Nate, the new lonely boy, unaware of his sexuality. We always knew that
Those man bangs were for more than attracting girls. You know you love me,
XOXO Gossip Girl.
The Upper East Side a buzz, there is still confusion over just who was in that
Snowman suite. Funny, at the same time Blair was looking at her new text
From GG, Dorota hadn't come in with Blair's traditional seven o'clock chai tea.
Where was she?...
[The snowman suite is because that day, while walking down University,
There were all of these idiots dressed in snowman costumes on the corners
Handing out free peppermint hot chocolate. Only in fucking Madison...
And apparently Manhatten...]
6) It's a new day on the Upper East Side and while some of us our
Stumbling back to our pent houses with ruffled hair and
Wrinkled armani tuxs, or stained Prada dresses,
Others of us are at the market, getting fresh fruit,
Persumably the parent's of those less fortunate and the maids
Of those will all the cash. Perhaps the market will be a buzz with
More than just those nasty fruit flies today....
"Dorota!" Rufus Humphery called as he picked up an orange.
"Yes Mr. Humphery?" Says Dorota through her thick polish accent.
"Hey, by any chance have you seen my son?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. H, but Blair says his dirty converse aren't worthy of
Stepping on her marble floor."
"Yes, I'm aware that they aren't friends, but I was wondering if Serena
Told Blair anything about her and dan, etc. Anyway, have you seen Lily then?
She didn't show up for dinner last night."
"I'm sorry, but I haven't seen her either but Serena mentioned that she was
Still trying to get Chuck to be a part of the family..
And that Dan had a doctors appointment."
"Really?" Says Rufus. "I think I would know about Dan's doctors appointments.
I wonder why he didn't tell me."
Just then, a man in a thong comes roller blading down the street when he knocks
Over all of Dorota's groceries. As Dorota bends down to pick them up, Rufus
Looks down at Dorota's behind. Why had he never noticed that ba-dunk-a-dunk before?
"Hey Dorota," says Rufus, " What are you doing for dinner tonight?"
"Oh Mr. H, tonight is my night off. I would not like to cook for you on my day off!"
"That's not what I had in mind," Rufus winks.
Looks the maid will be cookin up something good after all...
[The rollerblading, thong wearing dude because I saw one in Venice withy my cousin.
It was quite a sight.]
7) "Oh Mr. H, I don't know." Says Dorota worriedly.
Dinner with Daniel's father? Blair would take away her cell phone!
That, or make her rearrange all of her Manolo Blahniks by
Color, size, and how new they were. However, Blair said she was
Going out to Brooklyn of all places tonight. Wonder why...
"I'll see you at Basta Pasta at seven, then." Says Rufus.
"Oh, Ok," Says Dorota and she scurries away as fast as her stumpy stature allows.
While scampering down Park Ave, she runs into Dan practically taking him out.
"Woah, hey there Dorota. I was just... At the Docotor... Ive been getting really bad
Uh, headaches lately." Says Dan.
"Well, I hope you feel better Mr. Daniel. See you around...uh... I guess." says Dorota.
Dan heads down the street. Dorota notices a pill bottle on the ground that must've
Fallen out of Dan's pocket!
"Wait...you forgot your..."Dorota stops herself and reads the bottle.
A perscription for Viagra? Dorota whips out her cell as she hides behind a bush.
Guess who's having trouble in the bedroom? Poor S, her bf needs
Supplimental Enhancement. And isn't she supposed to be the hottest thing
This side of Bendels? Guess D's got other things on his mind. You know you love me,
XOXO Gosip Girl.
8) "Dorota! Where were you last night?" Asks Blair as she comes down
To where Dorota is setting up her breakfast.
"Yesterday was my day off, you know." Says Dorota.
"Yes, Dorota, I know, but you usually never do anything! Anyway, I got home late
And you still weren't here!"
"Ah yes, Miss Blair, how was Brooklyn...with Vanessa?"
"Oh it was so.... DOROTA DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!! God Damn it Where were you?"
Blair flings her tray of scrambled eggs all over the floor.
"But Miss Blair..."
"Dorota, you don't answer my questions and I don't eat your food. Blair stomps up
The Grand stairs in her red five inch Jimmy Choos even though it's eight am and
Is still in her pjs, which just happens to be an elegant (and kinda slutty) red, sheer
Impossibly short nighty, trimmed with silk and lace.
Oh D, where could she have been last night? Wonder if Dan knew what time
Dear old dad Rufus stumbled in at. Or was he too busy on account of his new Meds.
And Lily? Still busy robbing craddles? It's all too good to contain to myself.
XOXO
9) Nate was sick of being depressed. So he put on his Brooks Brothers pants
And Lacoste blue polo and actually got dressed for the first time in eight days.
Let's hope it wasn't that long since his last shower.
"I'll try something new today, like something exciting," Nate thought.
While walking down Park, he noticed a girl walking. Suddenly a street vent blew
Up her dress. Nate looked and pasted a sly smile on his face.
"I'm not gay anymore!" he screamed.
A guy in tight leather pants adn highlights was on the other side of him.
"Damn it! I was just about to hit on you," he said in his high raspy voice.
"But you're so pretty. have you ever modeled. Omg I'm going to this gig
Right now, you should come!"
What the fuck, Nate thought. CARPE DIEM! Just because he wasn't gay doesn't
Mean that he could hang out with gay people.
So he went.
They took some head shots of him laugh with some other dude.
He was actually having fun and he didn't even realize what the shoot was for.
On the outside of the shoot, throught the window, stood a plump lady with
A blonde wig and huge Chanel glasses. She noticed a sign on the window.
Photo Shoot Today! New Officially Approved Rainbow Condoms! They're Finally Here!
The lady noticed some familiar man bangs through the window.
Well, Well, as if Nate just hadn't said he WASN'T gay anymore, huh. Now I'm confused.
Can't wait to see that ad in the next Cosmo. You know Ill be at the newsstands the day
They are released! Could this be N's big break? Into the world of gay sex?
We'll find out soon enough. XOXO GG
[Keep in mind, I described Dorota in such a disguise via text like a week before
Watching the episode in which Dorota creeps into the school, and steals back the
Cell phones in a disguie of huge glasses.]
...So that is where the text messages left off. Maybe I'll start again.
Looks like there is a lot to be resolved. Then again, when isn't there?
Also, Kelly so kindly gave me the article from some magazine in which
There is no other than an article on DOROTA!!!!!!! I love this:
3 Reasons I Love...
Dorota, Gossip Girl Domestic.
1. She's The Boss: Anyone who watches the CW series knows
To look for Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota, devoted Polish maid of
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester). Sidling in and out of gilded rooms, percolating
At the though of sharing in Blair's glamour, Dorota reliably steals every scene.
2. She's Maid To Order: And she fits in beautifully with the show's essential silliness:
When meeting Blair on a secret assignment, Dorota wears oversized sunglasses and a black
Trench coat, but she doesn't remove her telltale lasce headband.
3. She's A Role Model: Or Zuzanna Szadkowski is. Let Kelly Rutherford, Blake Lively,
And Chace Crawford entertain the media with their antics; Szadkowski flies well below the radar.
As John Milton wrote, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but to fans, they can also
Rise to domestic goddess.
I can't believe there was an article on her, complete with a picture!
So Fabulous!
Dorota: The glue that holds Gossip Girl together, and perhaps we know the reason why...
First of all, she doesn't even exist in the books so
For one thing, she's already made a name for herself by appearing out of nowhere.
She's always everywhere, so you know she knows ALL of the dirt.
You would think she knows so much that perhaps, in fact, do I dare say it?
Could Dorota be GOSSIP GIRL?!?!?!
That's my hypothesis anyway, I mean she's such a little sneak!
You never know what that plump, polish maid will do next!
So, with my hypothesis (as well as like three other of my friends')
I decided to start the "Ultimate Twist" on Gossip Girl
(Well, Jared and I did. The Ultimate Twist started with The Bachelor (ha ha gag me)
In which I text Jared the happenings of each day's latest gossip in
Gossip Girl: The Ultimate Twist
Dorota? Gossip Girl?
(The texts listed below are written by me.
Just assume that Jared's responses always invloved
Addition Polymers of (ha-ha)n )
(Also, I begin with the cellphone because my absolute favorite
Dorota moment is ironically when she doesn't even say anything.
Season One, Episode 11: Roman Holiday, one of the last scenes
Blair hands Dorota a new cell phone box. Blair taps on the box
With her perfectly manicured nails: "So we can text," she says
And Dorota gives one of her infamous creepsin smiles. Classic.)
1) Dorota and her cell phone. What will Dorota text to Gossip Girl next?
Is Dorota Gossip girl?
2) In an Ultimate Twist... Blair is a lesbian and Dorota,
Whom Blair just found out is her real mother, sets up
With Vanessa. Nate, Blair's ex and Vanessa's current bf,
Gets mad.
3) Nate is then so depressed that he tries to commit suicide
By standing on the edge of Victrola with a glass of wine when
Chuck comes out and is like "Dude, I already tried that and since
Blair is a lesbo now and won't come and save you like she did me
and Dan and Serena have that wierd insestual relationship going on,
I guess the only thing left to do is for us to finally sleep together
And complete this visious cycle of hook ups.
[If I could edit at this point, I'd say Nate says, "But Chuck,
Don't you love women? Are you gay now? What are you?"
Chuck replies simply, "I'm Chuck Bass." Not unlike the Todd
In Scrubs.]
4) So then, just as Chuck and Nate are about to ...
You know...
Lily comes up to Chuck and grabs his hand and professes
Her love to him. Which is an ultimate twist on Lily wanting
Chuck to become apart of the family. Chuck being the horn ball
That he is obviously accepts Lily's plea and says sorry to Nate
Which leaves Nate even more depressed than before...
[It's like a sick, insestual, twisted Graduate.]
5) In the ultimate twist, as Nate is left depressed and Chuck and Lily...
Nate leaves Victrola with his head hung low, his man bangs making it
Impossible to see. As he's about to cross the street, he sees what appears
To be someone a tad on the shorter and stumpier side dressed in a snowman
Costume handing out free hot chocolate. Nate refuses the hot chocolate and
Says, "I almost just turned gay, do you think I want hot chocolate?!"
As soon as Nate leaves, a little square, blue light can be seen from inside the
Human snowman. A few seconds later all of the Upper East Sides' phones
Start to ring with a new message:
Poor Nate, the new lonely boy, unaware of his sexuality. We always knew that
Those man bangs were for more than attracting girls. You know you love me,
XOXO Gossip Girl.
The Upper East Side a buzz, there is still confusion over just who was in that
Snowman suite. Funny, at the same time Blair was looking at her new text
From GG, Dorota hadn't come in with Blair's traditional seven o'clock chai tea.
Where was she?...
[The snowman suite is because that day, while walking down University,
There were all of these idiots dressed in snowman costumes on the corners
Handing out free peppermint hot chocolate. Only in fucking Madison...
And apparently Manhatten...]
6) It's a new day on the Upper East Side and while some of us our
Stumbling back to our pent houses with ruffled hair and
Wrinkled armani tuxs, or stained Prada dresses,
Others of us are at the market, getting fresh fruit,
Persumably the parent's of those less fortunate and the maids
Of those will all the cash. Perhaps the market will be a buzz with
More than just those nasty fruit flies today....
"Dorota!" Rufus Humphery called as he picked up an orange.
"Yes Mr. Humphery?" Says Dorota through her thick polish accent.
"Hey, by any chance have you seen my son?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. H, but Blair says his dirty converse aren't worthy of
Stepping on her marble floor."
"Yes, I'm aware that they aren't friends, but I was wondering if Serena
Told Blair anything about her and dan, etc. Anyway, have you seen Lily then?
She didn't show up for dinner last night."
"I'm sorry, but I haven't seen her either but Serena mentioned that she was
Still trying to get Chuck to be a part of the family..
And that Dan had a doctors appointment."
"Really?" Says Rufus. "I think I would know about Dan's doctors appointments.
I wonder why he didn't tell me."
Just then, a man in a thong comes roller blading down the street when he knocks
Over all of Dorota's groceries. As Dorota bends down to pick them up, Rufus
Looks down at Dorota's behind. Why had he never noticed that ba-dunk-a-dunk before?
"Hey Dorota," says Rufus, " What are you doing for dinner tonight?"
"Oh Mr. H, tonight is my night off. I would not like to cook for you on my day off!"
"That's not what I had in mind," Rufus winks.
Looks the maid will be cookin up something good after all...
[The rollerblading, thong wearing dude because I saw one in Venice withy my cousin.
It was quite a sight.]
7) "Oh Mr. H, I don't know." Says Dorota worriedly.
Dinner with Daniel's father? Blair would take away her cell phone!
That, or make her rearrange all of her Manolo Blahniks by
Color, size, and how new they were. However, Blair said she was
Going out to Brooklyn of all places tonight. Wonder why...
"I'll see you at Basta Pasta at seven, then." Says Rufus.
"Oh, Ok," Says Dorota and she scurries away as fast as her stumpy stature allows.
While scampering down Park Ave, she runs into Dan practically taking him out.
"Woah, hey there Dorota. I was just... At the Docotor... Ive been getting really bad
Uh, headaches lately." Says Dan.
"Well, I hope you feel better Mr. Daniel. See you around...uh... I guess." says Dorota.
Dan heads down the street. Dorota notices a pill bottle on the ground that must've
Fallen out of Dan's pocket!
"Wait...you forgot your..."Dorota stops herself and reads the bottle.
A perscription for Viagra? Dorota whips out her cell as she hides behind a bush.
Guess who's having trouble in the bedroom? Poor S, her bf needs
Supplimental Enhancement. And isn't she supposed to be the hottest thing
This side of Bendels? Guess D's got other things on his mind. You know you love me,
XOXO Gosip Girl.
8) "Dorota! Where were you last night?" Asks Blair as she comes down
To where Dorota is setting up her breakfast.
"Yesterday was my day off, you know." Says Dorota.
"Yes, Dorota, I know, but you usually never do anything! Anyway, I got home late
And you still weren't here!"
"Ah yes, Miss Blair, how was Brooklyn...with Vanessa?"
"Oh it was so.... DOROTA DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!! God Damn it Where were you?"
Blair flings her tray of scrambled eggs all over the floor.
"But Miss Blair..."
"Dorota, you don't answer my questions and I don't eat your food. Blair stomps up
The Grand stairs in her red five inch Jimmy Choos even though it's eight am and
Is still in her pjs, which just happens to be an elegant (and kinda slutty) red, sheer
Impossibly short nighty, trimmed with silk and lace.
Oh D, where could she have been last night? Wonder if Dan knew what time
Dear old dad Rufus stumbled in at. Or was he too busy on account of his new Meds.
And Lily? Still busy robbing craddles? It's all too good to contain to myself.
XOXO
9) Nate was sick of being depressed. So he put on his Brooks Brothers pants
And Lacoste blue polo and actually got dressed for the first time in eight days.
Let's hope it wasn't that long since his last shower.
"I'll try something new today, like something exciting," Nate thought.
While walking down Park, he noticed a girl walking. Suddenly a street vent blew
Up her dress. Nate looked and pasted a sly smile on his face.
"I'm not gay anymore!" he screamed.
A guy in tight leather pants adn highlights was on the other side of him.
"Damn it! I was just about to hit on you," he said in his high raspy voice.
"But you're so pretty. have you ever modeled. Omg I'm going to this gig
Right now, you should come!"
What the fuck, Nate thought. CARPE DIEM! Just because he wasn't gay doesn't
Mean that he could hang out with gay people.
So he went.
They took some head shots of him laugh with some other dude.
He was actually having fun and he didn't even realize what the shoot was for.
On the outside of the shoot, throught the window, stood a plump lady with
A blonde wig and huge Chanel glasses. She noticed a sign on the window.
Photo Shoot Today! New Officially Approved Rainbow Condoms! They're Finally Here!
The lady noticed some familiar man bangs through the window.
Well, Well, as if Nate just hadn't said he WASN'T gay anymore, huh. Now I'm confused.
Can't wait to see that ad in the next Cosmo. You know Ill be at the newsstands the day
They are released! Could this be N's big break? Into the world of gay sex?
We'll find out soon enough. XOXO GG
[Keep in mind, I described Dorota in such a disguise via text like a week before
Watching the episode in which Dorota creeps into the school, and steals back the
Cell phones in a disguie of huge glasses.]
...So that is where the text messages left off. Maybe I'll start again.
Looks like there is a lot to be resolved. Then again, when isn't there?
Also, Kelly so kindly gave me the article from some magazine in which
There is no other than an article on DOROTA!!!!!!! I love this:
3 Reasons I Love...
Dorota, Gossip Girl Domestic.
1. She's The Boss: Anyone who watches the CW series knows
To look for Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota, devoted Polish maid of
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester). Sidling in and out of gilded rooms, percolating
At the though of sharing in Blair's glamour, Dorota reliably steals every scene.
2. She's Maid To Order: And she fits in beautifully with the show's essential silliness:
When meeting Blair on a secret assignment, Dorota wears oversized sunglasses and a black
Trench coat, but she doesn't remove her telltale lasce headband.
3. She's A Role Model: Or Zuzanna Szadkowski is. Let Kelly Rutherford, Blake Lively,
And Chace Crawford entertain the media with their antics; Szadkowski flies well below the radar.
As John Milton wrote, "They also serve who only stand and wait," but to fans, they can also
Rise to domestic goddess.
I can't believe there was an article on her, complete with a picture!
So Fabulous!
Dorota: The glue that holds Gossip Girl together, and perhaps we know the reason why...