Quotes from the January 2015 MFA in Creative Writing residency at the University of Tampa
Steve Kistulenz
-"They're either turquoise or aqua-colored reading glasses. Or Elton John was here."
-"It's the only time in your life you'll hear the term 'you people' used in a positive way."
-"Put your ass in the chair and get to work."
-"You can read the cute thing about the kittens on Facebook."
-"...given my own experience with figure skating."
-"'I really hope only ten people read my short story.'"
-"Don Morrill has a vision for America."
-"We're old. We wear reading glasses."
-"It's in all caps, which probably means I was yelling when I typed it."
-"...I'll start peeing all over your dreams."
-"I was really enjoying being a single-wash D.C. guy." (Response: "Like Bill Clinton.")
-"I scheduled most of my career around my ability to watch General Hospital."
-"I grew up in a John Hughes movie."
-"Nobody on their deathbed said, 'gee I wish I'd gone to the office more.'"
-"People who read are weird....just look at the room. We're all mutants. It's great."
-"...mjlmtfa: masters of just leave me the fuck alone."
-"I went and barfed about ten minutes before we started."
-"I can't tell you how many grandparents who die the last week or two [of the semester]."
-"I prefer to think that I can silence you with just a withering stare."
Edan Lepucki
-"If I see you read ahead, I'll kick you out of the room."
-"Like holy shit, who wants to write nonfiction?"
-"Is there a reading class here, Steve?"
-"Tonight you can get drunk and decide how many potatoes you have in your writing."
-"Don't make me do math."
Roxane Gay
-"There is nothing worse than the poetry reading that never ends."
-"Physical violence because of writing? Never."
-"We're all terrified of each other. It's awesome."
-"I see a lot of iProducts and sexy little MacBook Airs."
-"The struggle is fuckin' real."
-"Fine. He's a redneck. I have a thing for them."
-"Haitians are super scary and intense. My mother's not here so I can say that."
-"Well, speaking for all black readers..."
-"Fuck up every day."
-"Sometimes I say dumb shit and I'm okay with that"
Rebecca Hazelton
-"I don't have any friends to text."
Jess Anthony
-"You don't want the close Jess."
-"You're not thinking, 'gosh I'm really writing well.'"
Brock Clarke
-"I did that in my mind." (screen goes up)
-"It's like we're married or something."
Stephen Burt
-"This is really resonant. I feel like I'm in a Lana del Ray song."
-"I seriously love to be interrupted."
-"People shouldn't slap people."
-(Question: "I'm a non-fiction person, so that may be all wet.") "No, actually, it's quite dry."
-"You can't put yourself inside a blueberry muffin."
-"...especially groovy example."
-"Yes! You get a cookie! Do we have cookies?"
Stefan Kiesbye
-"I don't think Wheaties are more important than Bangladesh."
-"When you listen to me, in my thick German accent, I sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
-"Northern Germans are Protestants. We don't have fun."
Steve Almond
-"Part of the reason that children are such voracious readers, aside from the fact that they can't drink yet..."
-"So let's hear some fuckin' poems."
-"Your mother's gonna worry about you and, you know, wanna bring you soup."
-"They've totally oversold cumming because it feels like peeing."
Dave Housley
-"That's the erectile dysfunction portion of the evening."
Richard Bausch
-"I'm not drunk."
-"Since I was an altar boy, and no priest came near me..."
-"I studied to be a priest. Then I found out what celibacy meant."
-"And this person was a heartbeat away from the presidency" (Sarah Palin).
-"'Fuck you, I'm writing memoirs.' Oh my, I didn't mean to say 'memoirs.'"
Tony D'Souza
-"Our readers love research. They want you to do it."
-"Is your name Michael?" (Response: "My middle name's Michael.") "That's close."
-"Maybe I'm not a good person. That's okay."
-"Civil War people are bananas."
-"He has Brock's hair." (Alan Michael Parker's response: "Let the record show that Tony said that.")
Amina Gautier
-"It's like following James Brown" (reading after Richard Bausch).
Kyle Minor
-"It's like an episode of Seinfeld, except it means something."
-"We're alone in here [the brain], unless you've got Jesus in your heart or something."
-(In response to the question, "how do you make them [readers] care?") "You just write a great fuckin' story.")
Various
-Charles Hasker to Jason Ockert: "You're evil. Do you know that?"
-"They're either turquoise or aqua-colored reading glasses. Or Elton John was here."
-"It's the only time in your life you'll hear the term 'you people' used in a positive way."
-"Put your ass in the chair and get to work."
-"You can read the cute thing about the kittens on Facebook."
-"...given my own experience with figure skating."
-"'I really hope only ten people read my short story.'"
-"Don Morrill has a vision for America."
-"We're old. We wear reading glasses."
-"It's in all caps, which probably means I was yelling when I typed it."
-"...I'll start peeing all over your dreams."
-"I was really enjoying being a single-wash D.C. guy." (Response: "Like Bill Clinton.")
-"I scheduled most of my career around my ability to watch General Hospital."
-"I grew up in a John Hughes movie."
-"Nobody on their deathbed said, 'gee I wish I'd gone to the office more.'"
-"People who read are weird....just look at the room. We're all mutants. It's great."
-"...mjlmtfa: masters of just leave me the fuck alone."
-"I went and barfed about ten minutes before we started."
-"I can't tell you how many grandparents who die the last week or two [of the semester]."
-"I prefer to think that I can silence you with just a withering stare."
Edan Lepucki
-"If I see you read ahead, I'll kick you out of the room."
-"Like holy shit, who wants to write nonfiction?"
-"Is there a reading class here, Steve?"
-"Tonight you can get drunk and decide how many potatoes you have in your writing."
-"Don't make me do math."
Roxane Gay
-"There is nothing worse than the poetry reading that never ends."
-"Physical violence because of writing? Never."
-"We're all terrified of each other. It's awesome."
-"I see a lot of iProducts and sexy little MacBook Airs."
-"The struggle is fuckin' real."
-"Fine. He's a redneck. I have a thing for them."
-"Haitians are super scary and intense. My mother's not here so I can say that."
-"Well, speaking for all black readers..."
-"Fuck up every day."
-"Sometimes I say dumb shit and I'm okay with that"
Rebecca Hazelton
-"I don't have any friends to text."
Jess Anthony
-"You don't want the close Jess."
-"You're not thinking, 'gosh I'm really writing well.'"
Brock Clarke
-"I did that in my mind." (screen goes up)
-"It's like we're married or something."
Stephen Burt
-"This is really resonant. I feel like I'm in a Lana del Ray song."
-"I seriously love to be interrupted."
-"People shouldn't slap people."
-(Question: "I'm a non-fiction person, so that may be all wet.") "No, actually, it's quite dry."
-"You can't put yourself inside a blueberry muffin."
-"...especially groovy example."
-"Yes! You get a cookie! Do we have cookies?"
Stefan Kiesbye
-"I don't think Wheaties are more important than Bangladesh."
-"When you listen to me, in my thick German accent, I sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
-"Northern Germans are Protestants. We don't have fun."
Steve Almond
-"Part of the reason that children are such voracious readers, aside from the fact that they can't drink yet..."
-"So let's hear some fuckin' poems."
-"Your mother's gonna worry about you and, you know, wanna bring you soup."
-"They've totally oversold cumming because it feels like peeing."
Dave Housley
-"That's the erectile dysfunction portion of the evening."
Richard Bausch
-"I'm not drunk."
-"Since I was an altar boy, and no priest came near me..."
-"I studied to be a priest. Then I found out what celibacy meant."
-"And this person was a heartbeat away from the presidency" (Sarah Palin).
-"'Fuck you, I'm writing memoirs.' Oh my, I didn't mean to say 'memoirs.'"
Tony D'Souza
-"Our readers love research. They want you to do it."
-"Is your name Michael?" (Response: "My middle name's Michael.") "That's close."
-"Maybe I'm not a good person. That's okay."
-"Civil War people are bananas."
-"He has Brock's hair." (Alan Michael Parker's response: "Let the record show that Tony said that.")
Amina Gautier
-"It's like following James Brown" (reading after Richard Bausch).
Kyle Minor
-"It's like an episode of Seinfeld, except it means something."
-"We're alone in here [the brain], unless you've got Jesus in your heart or something."
-(In response to the question, "how do you make them [readers] care?") "You just write a great fuckin' story.")
Various
-Charles Hasker to Jason Ockert: "You're evil. Do you know that?"