U. Tampa MFA in Writing Jan. '14 Residency -- Quotes
Because I think people are genuinely hilarious and entertaining, and because I thought these bits of dialogue might be useful someday (in a novel, screenplay, etc.), I was constantly keeping track of things said during the January 2014 MFA in Creative Writing residency in Tampa, Florida. Here's just a sampling (I'm not including who said what, because, honestly, I can't remember)
Let's go to jail!
I'm full of heresies.
I'm not giving you the answer. I'm just rephrasing the problem.
That was a little hip-hop moment, by me.
That's a little Flintstones reference, for those of you not playing the game.
Blackboard sucks. [echoes of agreement] I could get elected to Congress on that.
I'm really good at procrastinating, which is why we have a third child.
A rotting flesh head is gonna smell like sweet, awful decay.
Where's the wife that takes the penis and never leaves the house?
You have to look to the left or right of you to find someone who's content with mediocrity.
Sometimes you just want to cry and drink hot chocolate, and that's cool.
I wish that someone had told me what a freak I am.
Michelangelo was OCD as a motherfucker.
Embrace yo freak.
Make up a great story. "I smell horse shit." Or whatever.
I have a lot of anxiety to anticipate.
I like to call Ikea "divorce court."
If I weren't a cyborg, I would cry.
My wife says I can't do this job because I don't own any tweed.
There's a time when we all start to sound like a character in a Peanuts cartoon.
You've gotta keep your shit detector on.
"I'm going to kill you."
"What did you say?"
"I'm going to thrill you."
Don't make it all texty.
Thanks for being here. I mean, I know you have to be here...
I have a memory about the size of a fruit fly.
It's time for index cards, people.
I'm obsessed with United Parcel Services. I can tell you why I'm interested in that, except it's a longer and less interesting story.
I'm like, "I'm not fuckin' reading that with you."
If you came here expecting information about monkeys and pipe cleaners, I apologize.
In fact, I might lie so much, it might look like I'm having a fit up here.
He's a freak-a-deak.
I don't actually know anything about what I'm going to talk about today.
Who's in the right is largely determined by who kicked the other's ass.
I'm from Germany; you'll hear that in my accent, if you don't already know.
The appropriate technical people have been threatened and thrashed.
I don't know how much money you MFA students have, but I was broke as a joke.
Be very zen about failure, and be very proactive about creation.
Writing in novels is very safe for your fingers.
I love children and old people…
Sorry I said "my balls itched" fourteen times just then.
I was so excited about writing a sex scene for the first time.
You're not trained seals, but you can come up with something.
He's an alcoholic, but he's an intrepid alcoholic.
The family's going to Florida, so you know bad things are going to happen.
I've gotta get this sugar dildo in my novel.
Do I make you uncomfortable when I write about my breasts?
All the time.
Yes!
It's so loaded, just like "The Pope's Penis."
It starts out as a horse, then it becomes a zebra, then it becomes a pterodactyl…then it's all pterodactyl.
Martin Luther King gets a stamp. Malcolm X doesn't. Tupac doesn't.
Why can't Hamlet get over it? Why can't he get over it? Dude.
It was one of those animated-devil-on-the-shoulder moments.
That's how we track you until I get the approval to implant the radio ID tags.
I was once held captive in a barn in rural Vermont in the middle of a heat wave.
Everyone has been in a meeting where someone has been an overzealous user of Powerpoint.