Dear Logan - Veronica Mars
Title: Dear Logan
Author: mutinousmuse
Rating: PG
Word Count: 544
Spoilers: General S3
Characters: Logan
Summary: Logan’s advice column! Heh.
Author’s Notes: This was written for and submitted to neptune_online. I don’t have the link to the issue in which it was posted, but go check out the comm! There’s a ton of great stuff!
Dear Logan,
My boyfriend bought me a kitten for my birthday. I think it was really sweet of him, but there’s just one problem - I’m allergic to cats! Should I tell him, or just stock up on the antihistamines?
Signed,
Sneezy
Dear Sneezy,
According to several doubtlessly reputable sources on the Internet, cats are often seen as symbols of sexuality, magic, femininity and intuition. Also, Satan worship. Take your pick, I suppose. At any rate, it seems to me that your boyfriend is trying to tell you to loosen up a little, lay off the army boots and try running a brush through your hair every once in a while. It can’t hurt, right?
Oh, I also read that overexposure to the source of an allergen can often diminish or even eliminate the allergic reaction. Try sleeping with the precious little puss directly on your face for the next two weeks. That should take care of your problem.
Sincerely,
Logan
Dear Logan,
My English teacher clearly has it out for me. Every paper I write gets a D or an F, and whenever I go in for tutoring, she says it’s my fault because I’m not working hard enough! I can’t get a failing grade in that class - I’ll never get into a decent college! Help!
Signed,
Maligned
Dear Maligned,
Clearly, what we’re dealing with here is a failure to communicate. Teachers are people, too. Pathetic, unfulfilled people who couldn’t hack it in their fields, but people nonetheless. And all people have one thing in common - greed. Have you tried purchasing your grade? Alternately, you could retain the services of a good hacker. Their rates are usually fairly competitive at this time of the year.
Incidentally, Mr. Clemmons, if you’re reading this, surely even you must be hip enough to know that “hacker” is a contemporary euphemism for writing tutor, right? If not, that would just be sad.
Sincerely,
Logan
Dear Logan,
Oh my god. My best friend says that pink is like the new orange, but I say it’s totally yellow. Back me up here.
Sincerely,
Like No Way
Dear Madison,
We’ve been through this. Yellow doesn’t work on you because it makes you look fat. Even Dick thinks so.
Signed,
Logan
Dear Logan,
You seem like you get laid a lot. What are some of your best pick-up lines?
Signed,
Pimp Dizzle Horn Dog
Dear Pimp Dizzle Ho- sorry, I just can’t,
While I’m reluctant to share my best material with the uninitiated, I can tell you this: Girls love it when you treat them like one of the guys. Seriously. Forget that flowers-and-candles crap. Get two tickets to a Slayer show, or even better, a monster truck rally. Now, a brief nod to tradition is fine - feel free to treat her to a hot dog and some domestic… soda. But don’t go overboard with the “being a gentleman” thing. You want to seem nice and heavy in the loafers, you know?
Also, pet names are a must. I recommend Sugarpuss. Sweet, but emphasizes what’s really important about your lady friend.
Oh, and don’t forget to throw in an ass-slap every now and again. Nothing says “I care about you” like a little possessive public fondling.
Best of luck, man!
Sincerely,
Logan
Originally posted at neptune_online - exact link not available.
Author: mutinousmuse
Rating: PG
Word Count: 544
Spoilers: General S3
Characters: Logan
Summary: Logan’s advice column! Heh.
Author’s Notes: This was written for and submitted to neptune_online. I don’t have the link to the issue in which it was posted, but go check out the comm! There’s a ton of great stuff!
Dear Logan,
My boyfriend bought me a kitten for my birthday. I think it was really sweet of him, but there’s just one problem - I’m allergic to cats! Should I tell him, or just stock up on the antihistamines?
Signed,
Sneezy
Dear Sneezy,
According to several doubtlessly reputable sources on the Internet, cats are often seen as symbols of sexuality, magic, femininity and intuition. Also, Satan worship. Take your pick, I suppose. At any rate, it seems to me that your boyfriend is trying to tell you to loosen up a little, lay off the army boots and try running a brush through your hair every once in a while. It can’t hurt, right?
Oh, I also read that overexposure to the source of an allergen can often diminish or even eliminate the allergic reaction. Try sleeping with the precious little puss directly on your face for the next two weeks. That should take care of your problem.
Sincerely,
Logan
Dear Logan,
My English teacher clearly has it out for me. Every paper I write gets a D or an F, and whenever I go in for tutoring, she says it’s my fault because I’m not working hard enough! I can’t get a failing grade in that class - I’ll never get into a decent college! Help!
Signed,
Maligned
Dear Maligned,
Clearly, what we’re dealing with here is a failure to communicate. Teachers are people, too. Pathetic, unfulfilled people who couldn’t hack it in their fields, but people nonetheless. And all people have one thing in common - greed. Have you tried purchasing your grade? Alternately, you could retain the services of a good hacker. Their rates are usually fairly competitive at this time of the year.
Incidentally, Mr. Clemmons, if you’re reading this, surely even you must be hip enough to know that “hacker” is a contemporary euphemism for writing tutor, right? If not, that would just be sad.
Sincerely,
Logan
Dear Logan,
Oh my god. My best friend says that pink is like the new orange, but I say it’s totally yellow. Back me up here.
Sincerely,
Like No Way
Dear Madison,
We’ve been through this. Yellow doesn’t work on you because it makes you look fat. Even Dick thinks so.
Signed,
Logan
Dear Logan,
You seem like you get laid a lot. What are some of your best pick-up lines?
Signed,
Pimp Dizzle Horn Dog
Dear Pimp Dizzle Ho- sorry, I just can’t,
While I’m reluctant to share my best material with the uninitiated, I can tell you this: Girls love it when you treat them like one of the guys. Seriously. Forget that flowers-and-candles crap. Get two tickets to a Slayer show, or even better, a monster truck rally. Now, a brief nod to tradition is fine - feel free to treat her to a hot dog and some domestic… soda. But don’t go overboard with the “being a gentleman” thing. You want to seem nice and heavy in the loafers, you know?
Also, pet names are a must. I recommend Sugarpuss. Sweet, but emphasizes what’s really important about your lady friend.
Oh, and don’t forget to throw in an ass-slap every now and again. Nothing says “I care about you” like a little possessive public fondling.
Best of luck, man!
Sincerely,
Logan
Originally posted at neptune_online - exact link not available.