Re: Editor - into your bomb shelters, please.mermaidbiaSeptember 27 2009, 14:55:55 UTC
My problem with this is that it's a very constructed piece: It's obvious you are trying to aim at a certain of "poignant tragedy" (which in itself already is a cliché) but at the same time you are trying SO hard that it comes off as overbearing, put on, and dishonest - it's more like a "Let's show people that war is hell!" school theater play. Jim McReeves, to me, is a stand-in character, two stereotypes in one - one, the bratty, "tough" aggressive younger brother who hates his older sister, two, the young tragic youth drafted to go into war. If you had crafted either of these a little more strongly, this would have worked, but besides these two clichés that you so comfortably place your character between, we honestly have no way to relate to this kid. You start out well enough, but then you kill it with scenery descriptions that - again - add nothing to the story, leave the character entirely out and make Jim a prop in a setting. To me he comes off as so incredibly unsympathetic - not human or real, just plain unsympathetic - that I have no reason to pity him later on, even though you try it so hard with the (cliché) inserts of "war is hell" a la "oh my god oh my god." It's been done before, it's been overbearing before, and it just doesn't work if you hit your readers over the head with it. Try to make it a little more honest and unpretentious
So...this really needs a workover. Next up I'm gonna go paragraph by paragraph, remark on what occurs to me, and offer suggestions. Please mind that - however harsh I may become - these are still only suggestions and should always be taken with a grain of salt. It is your piece, so you decide what to do with it.
Jim McReeves sat in the middle of a sunflower field with his sister’s stolen treasure. I'm a very big fan of the Effective First Sentence, and this is already very intruiging - without any adjectives at all.
No hidden knives or guns, and no bendable-dependable, armor-enforced, plastic body with changeable hats and weapons. Also like this - it sounds like he's reciting a memorized commercial, typical for a child. In this case the adjectives really help because they sound memorized. You ought to remove the comma after "armor-enforced".
Just a glass horse figurine that could fit within the palm of his hand, with golden-dolloped hooves and mane. Now reconsider, do you really need "golden-dolloped"? What does that mean, anyway? It's out of tune with the narrative voice you established with two sentences before because a child would never use this word. Isn't "golden" enough? Does it really help the reader to picture the "dolloped"? Does the appearance of the horse add anything besides glitter in the way of Twilight? It's supposed to be something important - for his sister, anyway - and you're making it into a freaking prop. Which glitters. Nice.
Re: Editor - into your bomb shelters, please.mermaidbiaSeptember 27 2009, 14:58:02 UTC
The clear, blue sky’s enormous, stretching lengths dotted by whipped, fluffy clouds and underneath which reaching horizons of green and yellow and brown lay, was bent and distorted to myriads of earthy tones plus blue in the hard, golden beady eyes. This. ....This. I can't help gaping at THIS. This isn't a very "descriptive" sentence. This isn't a sentence at all. This is a literary car accident, with pretentious, unnecessary words piling up like scrap metal. I can't even count the WAYS in which this sentence is bad. For starters, I like complex - as opposed to convoluted - sentences, but I had to read this at least fifteen times before finally understanding what you were talking about - and for what? One purple-prosish, cliché description after another? "underneath which horizons of green and yellow and brown lay"? What the fuck is that even supposed to MEAN? And more importantly, why the hell do you NEED this? It's an image of a field reflecting in a glass horse. I got that, since you used so many adjectives trying to get the point across, 99.9 % of them absolutely useless and seeming as though you picked them at random out of a thesaurus. (Why do we need to know that the eyes are "beady"? Or that the clouds are "whipped"?) But what is this sentence supposed to achieve, besides confusing people? It glitters. It's nice. We get that. But, for one thing, a child would never ever describe something in this detail (a child can't spell the word "myriads", let alone use it) so you're out of character. For another, cut out the adjectives. Or, if you want my advice, cut out this sentence altogether. It hurts. It's hideous. It makes a nice enough beginning descend into the slimy depths of purple prose. It's not - descriptive - at all.
The body of the horse-clear, smooth, cool glass-glinted a different brightness in the sunlight, reflecting the world just as crookedly but still beautifully as the eyes. Another car accident of a sentence, this one admittedly less bad. First off, two is, in my opinion, the absolute limit for attributes. I know it's tempting to use more to get JUST the right picture across, but more than two drive away attention from what you are talking about. So, "clear, smooth, cool glass" is overkill. Kill at LEAST one of those, also, dashes should be spaced. And the rest: "reflected the world just as crookedly, but still beautifully as the eyes". "as the eyes"? What are you trying to DO?! What am I not getting here? What is the POINT of describing this through the horse's eyes. And mind, I am KNOWN for the love of a good description even if it doesn't drive the plot forward, but this is plain useless.
The sun shone harshly in its tail as yellow-brown-topped stalks danced gently in the breeze… The "harshly" adverb is unnecessary, so is "gently". Leave a bit of room for the reader to fit in his own imagery. And the ellipse - triple period - after "fading out" into the landscape (yellow-brown-topped? Is that even a word?) is as cliché as you can get.
Re: Editor - into your bomb shelters, please.mermaidbiaSeptember 27 2009, 15:37:22 UTC
-like the way but then oh god so unlike the way the rice patties whipped back and forth, sometimes tickling and sometimes striking Jim’s crumpled body burnt to crisped by misfired napalm that would be reported by a man in uniform with a solemn face and a stiffly-folded American flag to Jim’s sobbing, shaking mother as a MIA, and here is his purple heart, ma’am- WAR POIGNANCY OVERKILL. Honestly. I know what you're trying to do here, but you're trying too hard, since inserting prose with italicized memories is already a trope that has been done a million times before, almost never very good. I've been told this has potential, but you're laying the tears on to thick. Letting go of the punctuation is a good strategy, but you're overusing the attributes again. "stiffly-folded"? "sobbing, shaking"? It confuses readers. It doesn't help. Keep the lack of punctuation, but ease up on it a little. The reader has an imagination of his own. "Here is his purple heart, ma'am"...what soldier would say that? This would be much more effective if you kept to war speech and eased up on the bloody angst.
Okay, so maybe it was decent to look at. Pretty, Jim would admit-pretty enough a girl would fancy it. But still. Nice!
She kept it in an exotic-looking, beige pillow-reminiscent snap-box with white silk on the inside to cushion the small figurine. Too. Many. Adjectives. What does "pillow-reminiscent" even mean? Seriously, when you use a word, consider what it means, and what it does to a description.
Jim made a quiet gagging noise, and the horse dipped forward with the weight of the dirt, as if agreeing empathetically. I like this little detail here, but again consider "emphatically". The verb "agree" already hints at empathy, so this is redundant.
-like the way but oh god so unlike the way Jim had barfed all over his bed after waking up from nightmares of Jenne, the one he knew was finally the one, marrying some other guy while he was in these shitty jungles, that blended into armies of crying native children, skin hanging off limbs and eyes missing and brains blown in- Overkill again. For starters, "like the way but oh god so unlike the way" may be an attempt at "tragic and poignant!" but feels convoluted and transparent as hell. It does not add poignancy, it turns Jim into a whiny, unsympathetic bastard - and the gory imagery doesn't help because we can't establish a connection to him. Plain out boring and generic in the use of "shocking" imagery.
it always smelled good, fresh and alive, out here in the stalks. This is probably my favourite sentence in this piece - it's kept simple, and the adjectives are well-chosen and do just what adjectives are supposed to do: add power and spice to prose, reinforce less an image than a feeling. Good job with this.
What Jim loved about living on a sunflower farm! The hell? This looks like a sentence that's supposed to have a colon and something like a list behind it. Or a question. Neither of which warrants an exclamation mark. If this is supposed to be an exclamation, it looks awkward and weird, like it's written by a foreigner. If you want an exclamation of this sort, I suggest you go with "How Jim loved living on a sunflower farm!"
He used to get made fun of and get called “flowergirl” when he first started grade school, but then he’d beaten up Tommy Lewis and now most the kids were fine about it. Jim let a handful of dirt trickle out though fingers paler-looking than they actually are because of the amount of rich, dark soil covering them. Random aggression does not help making a character more relatable. Secondly, "than they actually are" should be "than they actually were" because you're still in past tense.
Re: Editor - into your bomb shelters, please.mermaidbiaSeptember 27 2009, 15:39:09 UTC
-like the way but oh god so unlike the way Jim’s sweaty, smudged face had paled considerably when his mother interrupted his washing dirt out from underneath fingernails after he’d come in from a long day of working the green fields he had thought he’d soon get to own in order to tell him his numbers for the draft had finally been called- I'm not sure if this really works as one long sentence, especially with so many attributes put in, which you could in many cases cut - do you need "considerably"? Do we need to be reminded again that the fields are "green"?
At first Jim was annoyed by the flirting he had yet to understand, but turned out not to mind so much when he noticed the looks he was receiving from his male classmates: looks of either awe or envy! Again, I'm not sure about Jim's age. From the beginning, he struck me as a young child - ten or eleven, maybe - but now you're going at him like a teenager - a very immature, brash and unlikeable teenager at that. Try to focus on one age and to get it across realistically.
-like the way Tom Lewis’ face had looked when he spotted Jim giving Jenne a big, colorful and fresh-smelling sunflower during the first date at the town’s drive-in theater, I like the image of this particular flashback, especially with the drive-in theater; but again, "fresh-smelling"? You're throwing out adjectives here that don't do anything.
He'd have to get back to the house before his father when that happened, so his father wouldn't find out he'd been out in the stalks again. The "father" repeats here unnecessarily, so I suggest "so he wouldn't find out he'd been out in the stalks again" or maybe "his son had been out in the stalks again."
Jim flinched at the idea of a couple smacks from his father; it was never a pleasant experience. The "a couple" comes off as awkward and making this idea weaker than it could be.
But he couldn't help it! Be careful with exclamation marks after simple sentences - I believe a period is more effective here.
The stalks were so peaceful and full of all types of bugs--he'd once caught a pray mantis! And this one time, he'd found a dead bird! Again, be careful how you arrange your exclamations, and also, I think it's "preying mantis".
as he let the sun sparkle through the body a billion times brighter than it could in the sky; Again: Too much description for someone his age.
im decided the only way you should look at the dumb horse was outside. He turned it slowly, watching the sparkled light fade and intensify. Like the way his grandmother could tell what mood he was in, since the sparkle in his eyes faded and intensified. I REALLY like this. In comparison to the rest it's refreshingly simple and in tune with how someone his age would view the world - simple verbs, simple concepts, memory connections, things that matter.
Jim McReeves lay in the middle of a sunflower field, and wondered at the sparkles and marvels of the world only as a child can. The world wondered how long he’d keep that sparkle and marvel, and the sun began its descent. The first sentence is a nice one - you loop it with the beginning, always very effective - but the last sentence almost dips into cliché again. "the world wondered"? How can the world wonder?
Done. I'm really, really sorry for being so harsh in the beginning of this edit. It was unnecessarily impolite, but I was in a suboptimal mood for this, probably. I apologize if you're hurt, and hope my suggestions help you improve all the same.
So...this really needs a workover. Next up I'm gonna go paragraph by paragraph, remark on what occurs to me, and offer suggestions. Please mind that - however harsh I may become - these are still only suggestions and should always be taken with a grain of salt. It is your piece, so you decide what to do with it.
Jim McReeves sat in the middle of a sunflower field with his sister’s stolen treasure.
I'm a very big fan of the Effective First Sentence, and this is already very intruiging - without any adjectives at all.
No hidden knives or guns, and no bendable-dependable, armor-enforced, plastic body with changeable hats and weapons.
Also like this - it sounds like he's reciting a memorized commercial, typical for a child. In this case the adjectives really help because they sound memorized. You ought to remove the comma after "armor-enforced".
Just a glass horse figurine that could fit within the palm of his hand, with golden-dolloped hooves and mane.
Now reconsider, do you really need "golden-dolloped"? What does that mean, anyway? It's out of tune with the narrative voice you established with two sentences before because a child would never use this word. Isn't "golden" enough? Does it really help the reader to picture the "dolloped"? Does the appearance of the horse add anything besides glitter in the way of Twilight? It's supposed to be something important - for his sister, anyway - and you're making it into a freaking prop. Which glitters. Nice.
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This.
....This.
I can't help gaping at THIS.
This isn't a very "descriptive" sentence. This isn't a sentence at all. This is a literary car accident, with pretentious, unnecessary words piling up like scrap metal. I can't even count the WAYS in which this sentence is bad. For starters, I like complex - as opposed to convoluted - sentences, but I had to read this at least fifteen times before finally understanding what you were talking about - and for what? One purple-prosish, cliché description after another? "underneath which horizons of green and yellow and brown lay"? What the fuck is that even supposed to MEAN? And more importantly, why the hell do you NEED this? It's an image of a field reflecting in a glass horse. I got that, since you used so many adjectives trying to get the point across, 99.9 % of them absolutely useless and seeming as though you picked them at random out of a thesaurus. (Why do we need to know that the eyes are "beady"? Or that the clouds are "whipped"?) But what is this sentence supposed to achieve, besides confusing people? It glitters. It's nice. We get that. But, for one thing, a child would never ever describe something in this detail (a child can't spell the word "myriads", let alone use it) so you're out of character. For another, cut out the adjectives. Or, if you want my advice, cut out this sentence altogether. It hurts. It's hideous. It makes a nice enough beginning descend into the slimy depths of purple prose. It's not - descriptive - at all.
The body of the horse-clear, smooth, cool glass-glinted a different brightness in the sunlight, reflecting the world just as crookedly but still beautifully as the eyes.
Another car accident of a sentence, this one admittedly less bad. First off, two is, in my opinion, the absolute limit for attributes. I know it's tempting to use more to get JUST the right picture across, but more than two drive away attention from what you are talking about. So, "clear, smooth, cool glass" is overkill. Kill at LEAST one of those, also, dashes should be spaced. And the rest: "reflected the world just as crookedly, but still beautifully as the eyes". "as the eyes"? What are you trying to DO?! What am I not getting here? What is the POINT of describing this through the horse's eyes. And mind, I am KNOWN for the love of a good description even if it doesn't drive the plot forward, but this is plain useless.
The sun shone harshly in its tail as yellow-brown-topped stalks danced gently in the breeze…
The "harshly" adverb is unnecessary, so is "gently". Leave a bit of room for the reader to fit in his own imagery. And the ellipse - triple period - after "fading out" into the landscape (yellow-brown-topped? Is that even a word?) is as cliché as you can get.
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WAR POIGNANCY OVERKILL.
Honestly. I know what you're trying to do here, but you're trying too hard, since inserting prose with italicized memories is already a trope that has been done a million times before, almost never very good. I've been told this has potential, but you're laying the tears on to thick. Letting go of the punctuation is a good strategy, but you're overusing the attributes again. "stiffly-folded"? "sobbing, shaking"? It confuses readers. It doesn't help. Keep the lack of punctuation, but ease up on it a little. The reader has an imagination of his own. "Here is his purple heart, ma'am"...what soldier would say that? This would be much more effective if you kept to war speech and eased up on the bloody angst.
Okay, so maybe it was decent to look at. Pretty, Jim would admit-pretty enough a girl would fancy it. But still.
Nice!
She kept it in an exotic-looking, beige pillow-reminiscent snap-box with white silk on the inside to cushion the small figurine.
Too. Many. Adjectives. What does "pillow-reminiscent" even mean? Seriously, when you use a word, consider what it means, and what it does to a description.
Jim made a quiet gagging noise, and the horse dipped forward with the weight of the dirt, as if agreeing empathetically.
I like this little detail here, but again consider "emphatically". The verb "agree" already hints at empathy, so this is redundant.
-like the way but oh god so unlike the way Jim had barfed all over his bed after waking up from nightmares of Jenne, the one he knew was finally the one, marrying some other guy while he was in these shitty jungles, that blended into armies of crying native children, skin hanging off limbs and eyes missing and brains blown in-
Overkill again.
For starters, "like the way but oh god so unlike the way" may be an attempt at "tragic and poignant!" but feels convoluted and transparent as hell. It does not add poignancy, it turns Jim into a whiny, unsympathetic bastard - and the gory imagery doesn't help because we can't establish a connection to him. Plain out boring and generic in the use of "shocking" imagery.
it always smelled good, fresh and alive, out here in the stalks.
This is probably my favourite sentence in this piece - it's kept simple, and the adjectives are well-chosen and do just what adjectives are supposed to do: add power and spice to prose, reinforce less an image than a feeling. Good job with this.
What Jim loved about living on a sunflower farm!
The hell? This looks like a sentence that's supposed to have a colon and something like a list behind it. Or a question. Neither of which warrants an exclamation mark. If this is supposed to be an exclamation, it looks awkward and weird, like it's written by a foreigner. If you want an exclamation of this sort, I suggest you go with "How Jim loved living on a sunflower farm!"
He used to get made fun of and get called “flowergirl” when he first started grade school, but then he’d beaten up Tommy Lewis and now most the kids were fine about it. Jim let a handful of dirt trickle out though fingers paler-looking than they actually are because of the amount of rich, dark soil covering them.
Random aggression does not help making a character more relatable. Secondly, "than they actually are" should be "than they actually were" because you're still in past tense.
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I'm not sure if this really works as one long sentence, especially with so many attributes put in, which you could in many cases cut - do you need "considerably"? Do we need to be reminded again that the fields are "green"?
At first Jim was annoyed by the flirting he had yet to understand, but turned out not to mind so much when he noticed the looks he was receiving from his male classmates: looks of either awe or envy!
Again, I'm not sure about Jim's age. From the beginning, he struck me as a young child - ten or eleven, maybe - but now you're going at him like a teenager - a very immature, brash and unlikeable teenager at that. Try to focus on one age and to get it across realistically.
-like the way Tom Lewis’ face had looked when he spotted Jim giving Jenne a big, colorful and fresh-smelling sunflower during the first date at the town’s drive-in theater,
I like the image of this particular flashback, especially with the drive-in theater; but again, "fresh-smelling"? You're throwing out adjectives here that don't do anything.
He'd have to get back to the house before his father when that happened, so his father wouldn't find out he'd been out in the stalks again.
The "father" repeats here unnecessarily, so I suggest "so he wouldn't find out he'd been out in the stalks again" or maybe "his son had been out in the stalks again."
Jim flinched at the idea of a couple smacks from his father; it was never a pleasant experience.
The "a couple" comes off as awkward and making this idea weaker than it could be.
But he couldn't help it!
Be careful with exclamation marks after simple sentences - I believe a period is more effective here.
The stalks were so peaceful and full of all types of bugs--he'd once caught a pray mantis! And this one time, he'd found a dead bird!
Again, be careful how you arrange your exclamations, and also, I think it's "preying mantis".
as he let the sun sparkle through the body a billion times brighter than it could in the sky;
Again: Too much description for someone his age.
im decided the only way you should look at the dumb horse was outside. He turned it slowly, watching the sparkled light fade and intensify. Like the way his grandmother could tell what mood he was in, since the sparkle in his eyes faded and intensified.
I REALLY like this. In comparison to the rest it's refreshingly simple and in tune with how someone his age would view the world - simple verbs, simple concepts, memory connections, things that matter.
Jim McReeves lay in the middle of a sunflower field, and wondered at the sparkles and marvels of the world only as a child can. The world wondered how long he’d keep that sparkle and marvel, and the sun began its descent.
The first sentence is a nice one - you loop it with the beginning, always very effective - but the last sentence almost dips into cliché again. "the world wondered"? How can the world wonder?
Done. I'm really, really sorry for being so harsh in the beginning of this edit. It was unnecessarily impolite, but I was in a suboptimal mood for this, probably. I apologize if you're hurt, and hope my suggestions help you improve all the same.
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