I love more light-hearted sci-fi, so thoroughly enjoyed your entry!
You really should write more like this, even if it's just for me! :-)
My editing suggestions: 1. Cold blue peered downwards disinterestedly. Does this refer to Max's eyes? It wasn't clear until I read further, so maybe try inserting eyes there to explain what is cold and blue. 2. his left arm swung limply back in (on) forth. 3. turned back to some waiting costumers. (customers) 4. It was a rather beautiful day, with a breeze carrying the scent (of) freshly-mowed lawn 5. You could barely hear the traffic, or choke on the fumes, from above. I'm a little unsure if this sentence refers to the park being above the traffic and fumes. If it does, please ignore this suggestion. Remove the comma after fumes, as a comma isn't necessary, and it improves the flow of the sentence without it. 6. Soon a choir of kids screaming and laughing could be heard, the two drawing closer and closer to the middle of the green park - a couple of suggestions for improving the flow of this sentence: Try removing the comma after heard, and insert 'as'. Also, change drawing to drew. 7. fiber-optic glass eyes trained on its programmed “father”, sensory microchips regulating the feel and temperature of its “body” while also gathering temperatures and information from the outside world, gears turning on the inside world so Max acted out a fourth of the natural, involuntary motions a human gives while sitting down, computer-brain on standby as it waited for Edward to give the commands it was programmed to give: clean this, cook that, record this, fix that-commands that had never come since its packaging had been broken open seven years ago. This sentence is a little hard to follow, but that could be because I don't understand the basics of anything technical. Try making it into two shorter sentences, for example: fiber-optic glass eyes trained on its programmed “father”, sensory microchips regulating the feel and temperature of its “body” while also gathering temperatures and information from the outside world. Gears turning (try replacing turning with turned, as it is in the past tense like the rest of this sentence) on the inside world so (replace so with as, since this sentence refers to Max's actions) Max acted out a fourth of the natural, involuntary motions a human gives while sitting down, computer-brain on standby as it waited for Edward to give the commands it was programmed to give: (is obey the word wanted here?) clean this, cook that, record this, fix that-commands that had never come since its packaging had been broken open seven years ago. If this doesn't work with the story, please feel free to ignore my suggestions.
You did a great job formatting this piece so it's very easy to read. Your punctuation and grammar are also excellent! A very well-written story, that has been a joy to read!
I'm one of your editors this week.
I love more light-hearted sci-fi, so thoroughly enjoyed your entry!
You really should write more like this, even if it's just for me! :-)
My editing suggestions:
1. Cold blue peered downwards disinterestedly. Does this refer to Max's eyes? It wasn't clear until I read further, so maybe try inserting eyes there to explain what is cold and blue.
2. his left arm swung
limply back in (on) forth.
3. turned back to some waiting costumers. (customers)
4. It was a rather beautiful day, with a breeze carrying the scent (of) freshly-mowed lawn
5. You could barely hear the traffic, or choke on the fumes, from above. I'm a little unsure if this sentence refers to the park being above the traffic and fumes. If it does, please ignore this suggestion. Remove the comma after fumes, as a comma isn't necessary, and it improves the flow of the sentence without it.
6. Soon a choir of kids screaming and laughing could be heard, the two drawing closer and closer to the middle of the green park - a couple of suggestions for improving the flow of this sentence:
Try removing the comma after heard, and insert 'as'. Also, change drawing to drew.
7. fiber-optic glass eyes trained on its programmed “father”, sensory microchips regulating the feel and temperature of its “body” while also gathering temperatures
and information from the outside world, gears turning on the inside world so Max acted out a fourth of the natural, involuntary motions a human gives while
sitting down, computer-brain on standby as it waited for Edward to give the commands it was programmed to give: clean this, cook that, record this, fix
that-commands that had never come since its packaging had been broken open seven years ago. This sentence is a little hard to follow, but that could be because I don't understand the basics of anything technical. Try making it into two shorter sentences, for example:
fiber-optic glass eyes trained on its programmed “father”, sensory microchips regulating the feel and temperature of its “body” while also gathering temperatures
and information from the outside world. Gears turning (try replacing turning with turned, as it is in the past tense like the rest of this sentence) on the inside world so (replace so with as, since this sentence refers to Max's actions) Max acted out a fourth of the natural, involuntary motions a human gives while
sitting down, computer-brain on standby as it waited for Edward to give the commands it was programmed to give: (is obey the word wanted here?) clean this, cook that, record this, fix
that-commands that had never come since its packaging had been broken open seven years ago. If this doesn't work with the story, please feel free to ignore my suggestions.
You did a great job formatting this piece so it's very easy to read. Your punctuation and grammar are also excellent! A very well-written story, that has been a joy to read!
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