Making Amends, thoughts on
I had a kink filter on my LJ, but the only people on it don't seem to actually use LJ anymore, and its been months since I've made a post, anyway, so I'm keeping this public. Just in case there's anyone out there still reading.
A few years ago, I had this very young play partner. She had a lot of issues that resonated with my own dating history, and playing her was really good for both of us in terms of getting over our baggage, learning to talk through our fears, stuff like that. We didn't really focus on intentionally exploring cathartic play, but between the age difference and the particular issues each of us was dealing with, our time together often helped heal old wounds and strengthen our resolve to be better than our fears would make us.
While we were doing our thing, she started dating other guys, and told each new guy that while she was willing to give up a lot of other casual partners in order to be with them, she wasn't willing to end things with me.
Even though she would tell me whenever she had one of these Talks(tm) with a new guy in her life, she avoided actually discussing the emotional content of what was going on between us. After the third time she did this, I realized that I had never really pressed the issue myself, so I suggested that if I was that important to her, perhaps we should start exploring a more concrete and defined sort of commitment to our play. Something like agreeing to spend a certain amount of time together every month.
I think I said something like, "I see [Lacuna Diving Bunny] four days every month. Perhaps we should make a commitment to see each other at least once a month."
She seemed to really like this idea, and said she would go home and tell her boyfriend the news that very night.
And then I didn't hear from her for 6 months. She didn't respond to emails, calls, etc.
When she finally talked to me again, she explained that when she sat down with him, he'd wanted to talk to her about something too. He went first, and the thing he wanted to talk about was total exclusivity. She apologized, saying she didn't know how to handle her feelings for me, she wasn't sure she could handle being poly, and she didn't have the strength to hurt me to my face. This was right around the time I was making plans to finally meet Mirage, so I wouldn't be surprised if there had also been some concern about choosing me over him, only to have me up and move to Texas (although I wouldn't start consciously thinking about such a move for months after this, apparently many people in the local scene were already speculating).
Plus, I suppose, we never HAD talked about the feelings that were growing inside this supposedly-casual relationship.
So, she had avoided me. Had ran. And now here she was, sitting in front of me, telling me she was sorry, asking to make amends, needing to make it right.
I accepted her apology, as a kind of first step, but felt I needed more than just this one conversation in order to really move past this. Is that forgiveness? The subject is murky to me.
She said she wanted to make things right between us, that she was committed to doing everything I might need in order to rebuild a friendship, but she and her boyfriend were moving, were going off the grid. She was simply not going to be around.
It is over a year and a half since that conversation, and we've had maybe 4 other conversations since then, and frankly, I haven't thought about her much in the last 12 months, except when she randomly pops up online. When I do think about her, that pain is still there. Is that avoidance? Is that healing on my own? How do you tell the difference?
She popped up online last week. Said she was in town and wanted to see me, but apparently her boyfriend (now her Master, as they've started a 24/7) has some very strict guidelines about how and where we can hang out. Guidelines which pretty clearly stem from a place of fear and jealousy.
It is hard not to react angrily to that sort of mistrust, considering the hurt his relationship with her as done me. It is hard to see any point in seeing her again, when I haven't heard from her in 18 months, except for mass emails and social media updates.
She says she's in town, and she wants to make the effort, within the confines of her life, and although those restrictions chafe against the very wounds that now define my relationship to her, I am going to spend time with her. Is that generous? Weak? Compassionate? Foolish?
How can I ever be sure?
A few years ago, I had this very young play partner. She had a lot of issues that resonated with my own dating history, and playing her was really good for both of us in terms of getting over our baggage, learning to talk through our fears, stuff like that. We didn't really focus on intentionally exploring cathartic play, but between the age difference and the particular issues each of us was dealing with, our time together often helped heal old wounds and strengthen our resolve to be better than our fears would make us.
While we were doing our thing, she started dating other guys, and told each new guy that while she was willing to give up a lot of other casual partners in order to be with them, she wasn't willing to end things with me.
Even though she would tell me whenever she had one of these Talks(tm) with a new guy in her life, she avoided actually discussing the emotional content of what was going on between us. After the third time she did this, I realized that I had never really pressed the issue myself, so I suggested that if I was that important to her, perhaps we should start exploring a more concrete and defined sort of commitment to our play. Something like agreeing to spend a certain amount of time together every month.
I think I said something like, "I see [Lacuna Diving Bunny] four days every month. Perhaps we should make a commitment to see each other at least once a month."
She seemed to really like this idea, and said she would go home and tell her boyfriend the news that very night.
And then I didn't hear from her for 6 months. She didn't respond to emails, calls, etc.
When she finally talked to me again, she explained that when she sat down with him, he'd wanted to talk to her about something too. He went first, and the thing he wanted to talk about was total exclusivity. She apologized, saying she didn't know how to handle her feelings for me, she wasn't sure she could handle being poly, and she didn't have the strength to hurt me to my face. This was right around the time I was making plans to finally meet Mirage, so I wouldn't be surprised if there had also been some concern about choosing me over him, only to have me up and move to Texas (although I wouldn't start consciously thinking about such a move for months after this, apparently many people in the local scene were already speculating).
Plus, I suppose, we never HAD talked about the feelings that were growing inside this supposedly-casual relationship.
So, she had avoided me. Had ran. And now here she was, sitting in front of me, telling me she was sorry, asking to make amends, needing to make it right.
I accepted her apology, as a kind of first step, but felt I needed more than just this one conversation in order to really move past this. Is that forgiveness? The subject is murky to me.
She said she wanted to make things right between us, that she was committed to doing everything I might need in order to rebuild a friendship, but she and her boyfriend were moving, were going off the grid. She was simply not going to be around.
It is over a year and a half since that conversation, and we've had maybe 4 other conversations since then, and frankly, I haven't thought about her much in the last 12 months, except when she randomly pops up online. When I do think about her, that pain is still there. Is that avoidance? Is that healing on my own? How do you tell the difference?
She popped up online last week. Said she was in town and wanted to see me, but apparently her boyfriend (now her Master, as they've started a 24/7) has some very strict guidelines about how and where we can hang out. Guidelines which pretty clearly stem from a place of fear and jealousy.
It is hard not to react angrily to that sort of mistrust, considering the hurt his relationship with her as done me. It is hard to see any point in seeing her again, when I haven't heard from her in 18 months, except for mass emails and social media updates.
She says she's in town, and she wants to make the effort, within the confines of her life, and although those restrictions chafe against the very wounds that now define my relationship to her, I am going to spend time with her. Is that generous? Weak? Compassionate? Foolish?
How can I ever be sure?