It's getting really Real now
One month dating Princess Dragonbait, as of Tuesday. We've been together nearly every day of 2009 -- minus only those days that I've spent with my other love, Lacuna Diving Bunny.
It has been years since I have spent so much time in the company of those who love me, and I fear the cracks in my mask are starting to show. PDb is perceptive and inquisitive, and confronts me every time I make one of my half-joking self-depreciating comments. LDB is equally if not more relentless in trying to make me see myself through her eyes.
It seems like every day, PDb is asking me some form of the question, Why are you so hard on yourself? Why am I so unwilling to give myself credit? Why, when overwhelmed with affection and intimacy, do I try to sabotage the moment? I have only one answer, and giving it feels like a cop-out.
These questions lead to other questions. Why, when LDB asks me for affirmation, do I respond lewdly? Why am I so tense about showing any of my feelings?
There are four women in my life who describe my relationship with My Ex with the same two words. Words that I'm uncomfortable speaking myself, or even typing them out, though I'm starting to see how accurate they are. The only question left in my head, when I face the truth of my life head-on, is whether the word "mutually" should be added to that unspoken phrase.
Five years later, and I still can't see through the pain of how she treated me to how I treated her.
Several years ago, I lost several friendships after I freaked out in response to a play we'd seen together. Would it have been easier, would it have been different, if I'd told them the truth I was unwilling (am still unwilling) to acknowledge?
I don't want to justify or excuse my behavior, but it seems impossible to explain any of it without referencing the single longest relationship of my life. Now, more than ever before, it is apparent to me that I will not be able to build a life with someone new until I am finished deconstructing what happened then.
It has been years since I have spent so much time in the company of those who love me, and I fear the cracks in my mask are starting to show. PDb is perceptive and inquisitive, and confronts me every time I make one of my half-joking self-depreciating comments. LDB is equally if not more relentless in trying to make me see myself through her eyes.
It seems like every day, PDb is asking me some form of the question, Why are you so hard on yourself? Why am I so unwilling to give myself credit? Why, when overwhelmed with affection and intimacy, do I try to sabotage the moment? I have only one answer, and giving it feels like a cop-out.
These questions lead to other questions. Why, when LDB asks me for affirmation, do I respond lewdly? Why am I so tense about showing any of my feelings?
There are four women in my life who describe my relationship with My Ex with the same two words. Words that I'm uncomfortable speaking myself, or even typing them out, though I'm starting to see how accurate they are. The only question left in my head, when I face the truth of my life head-on, is whether the word "mutually" should be added to that unspoken phrase.
Five years later, and I still can't see through the pain of how she treated me to how I treated her.
Several years ago, I lost several friendships after I freaked out in response to a play we'd seen together. Would it have been easier, would it have been different, if I'd told them the truth I was unwilling (am still unwilling) to acknowledge?
I don't want to justify or excuse my behavior, but it seems impossible to explain any of it without referencing the single longest relationship of my life. Now, more than ever before, it is apparent to me that I will not be able to build a life with someone new until I am finished deconstructing what happened then.