All the effort that it took to get here
Priceless Pearl called as I was leaving for 80s Night. We got into a fight by the time I had found parking. I haven't talked to her since the day she got back from her trip. She had made it pretty clear that she was suffocating in all the demands her friends were making on her, after her lengthy trip away, so I had resolved to let her find time for me. Technically, I guess you could say that we talked yesterday, but she was doped up on cold medicine, so it hardly counts.
I pulled into the spot and tried to say goodbye. Thirty seconds later, we were fighting. I don't really know what to say after that, how to discuss what happened without it sounding like I'm trying to apologize to her over my LJ.
The thing is, she's needed a lot of space, lately. I've been trying to give it to her. Before that, though, I was caught up in my relationship with (f)AD, and PPearl got short-shrifted all through those months, too. I needed space. I needed to fall in love and try to heal, and do it all without the lifelines I'd grown so attached to.
I've found things to do with the time I used to dedicate to her, to introspection, to questioning myself and trying to save her. A lot of those things are basically running away from my problems, from myself. Or maybe, it's more accurate to say that those things are healthy things, but I've been using them to run away from myself.
I hung up on her, in the end. i never used to hang up on her. The idea was once anathema to me. Time with her had been precious to me, once.
Now, it's just one more thing that makes me want to run and hide behind my camera.
I pulled into the spot and tried to say goodbye. Thirty seconds later, we were fighting. I don't really know what to say after that, how to discuss what happened without it sounding like I'm trying to apologize to her over my LJ.
The thing is, she's needed a lot of space, lately. I've been trying to give it to her. Before that, though, I was caught up in my relationship with (f)AD, and PPearl got short-shrifted all through those months, too. I needed space. I needed to fall in love and try to heal, and do it all without the lifelines I'd grown so attached to.
I've found things to do with the time I used to dedicate to her, to introspection, to questioning myself and trying to save her. A lot of those things are basically running away from my problems, from myself. Or maybe, it's more accurate to say that those things are healthy things, but I've been using them to run away from myself.
I hung up on her, in the end. i never used to hang up on her. The idea was once anathema to me. Time with her had been precious to me, once.
Now, it's just one more thing that makes me want to run and hide behind my camera.