Why I love my professors Part 5
It continues!
Prof P: [New guy! And LOTS from him!]
"No extensions on the assignments. Too many people to give extensions to unless you have a medical certificate. Or you're run over by a truck."
"Any questions?" *silence* "... Of course not. Why would there be any questions? Always clear as mud, isn't it?"
"So, about breaks. What's the standard around here? I've been told stuff, but you know, there's a bunch of slackers up there..." *points in general direction of English Dept staff offices*
"Books get published and boring people like me read them... and teach them to suffering people like you."
"Settler communities are about establishing whites, like me... so obviously it's a doomed idea."
"What did they export? Wood - while it lasted. Seals - while they lasted. Pretty much anything that could be killed, crushed, destroyed, sent back - while it lasted."
"Vast cultural variety and so on. Beaten to crap over the next - well, the rest of history, really."
"This guy's called Barron Field, which is a very unfortunate name."
"Take what he says with a grain of salt. For one, he's an idiot."
"This is my first copy - until I got this stupid one - well, really, they're both stupid editions."
(about a mute character) "How much does she talk?" *silence from class* "As much as you guys, yeah?"
"I'll use a fancy word here, 'cause that's what I'm paid to do."
"Ends up with 55000 acres, employing a huge workforce of 7 people. It's not exactly a demanding job for him, right? Looking at the sheep? Unless it snows, then you're in trouble. I mean, for starters, sheep are white... yeah, getting back to the point now -"
(about communities sprawling out into the wilderness) "It's where you put your extra people. Here in Singapore, you stick people up in the sky."
(about a book in which ugliness is punishable by a prison sentence/death) "The reason I had to come to Singapore - I was about to be sacrificed in New Zealand for my hideousness. I sympathise with this guy."
"When was that painting from? ... A long time ago. Yeah, that's all we need to know."
"Now, for something of dubious value - *puts up picture of Lord of the Rings movie* Well, there's not that many movies about farming, is there? A little gratuitous, I know, but pay attention to the landscape."
(while clip from Lord of the Rings is playing)
Aragorn: *opens eyes, sees Arwen* This is a dream.
Prof P: This is awful.
(another part of clip!)
Screen: *displays landscape*
Prof P: Different kind of New Zealand landscape, yeah?
Screen: *displays closeup of Aragorn and Arwen*
Prof P: ... Ignore the idiots in front of the picture.
Prof P: This is definitely different from what we've read so far. Good? Bad?
Student: Good.
Prof P: Good! Yeah, 'cause we like misery and suffering!
(reading from essay) "'A set of animae viles - a sort of excrementitious mass' - he means 'shit,' by the way."
"Grew up in a wealthy family, which means he's good for nothing... but he likes books and writing. So like you guys, he has no career."
Prof P: *asks about the Amazing Revelation in the beginning of the book*
Student: He finds out he's not his mother's husband's son...
Prof P: Yes. Very delicately put. He's a bastard.
"What other books does this guy read? Tom Jones, yeah? What's Tom Jones? ... Besides a guy who sings?"
(looking over at empty-ish room at beginning of lesson, then down at uncooperative laptop) "Computer seems to be running as slowly as the rest of your classmates."
"It's some sort of colonial - thingy. There's your technical term for the year."
(before playing a movie clip) "Just watch, and I'll probably make some smartarse comments as it goes on."
"It's titled While the Billy Boils... Billy being neither a person nor a bookshelf from Ikea."
"She marries a guy who has the chance to become King of Albania, and he turns it down. She's massively pissed at him and goes back to Australia. She was really crazy, but very cool."
"What does a snake look like?" *mumble from someone* "Like a snake, yeah, thanks."
"Butler's a smart guy. Crazy, but smart. I'm just crazy."
(about his expectations of our essays) "I don't want you to regurgitate what I've already told you. I want you to be telling me, 'Here's something you never thought of, Prof P, because your head's too thick.'"
Prof D:
"When I ask you to talk about a painting, a lot of you end up going 'Wha-whu-whu' in headless-chicken mode."
"Quite a lot of you have had to fight your parents to take literature, instead of dentistry or enginnering or something interesting like that."
"Have any of you been to the Leonardo exhibition?" *silence from class* "80000 people in Singapore have been, and not one of my students?"
"The privileged are always whackos."
"If I ask you all to name five paintings by Leonardo da Vinci, you'd probably say Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, oh and there was Last Supper, wasn't there? Yes, there was."
"You know who killed lieder singing for fun? The Beatles. Blame everything that's bad on the Beatles."
"Nobody learns anything from a teacher. I am wasting my time... well, not mine, since I'm earning a salary - but I'm wasting your time."
(attempting to figure out convoluted light system) "Let's see what happens when I do this -" *switches on a BRIGHT light* "- it blinds me."
"Some of you have had the misfortune of having to read Edward Said's Orientalism and other such nonsense."
"It was published in 1848, which was a magic date there - why?" *silence from class* "If in doubt, shout 'Revolution!'"
"There's a tiny little theatre there which periodically burns down. It's called the Phoenix - no, really."
(about what opera used to be like) "People were arriving late, listening to the big arias, then creeping off to the brothels. No wait, I didn't say that."
"Have you seen the dramatisation? No? I won't tell you when it was made, because it'll make me look Cro-Magnon."
"Remember, we've got that wonderfully useless phrase - 'the femme fatale'."
"Some of you have had to suffer the indignity of studying literary theory. Some of you have volunteered to do so - even stranger!"
"Is it really relevant that he was bonkers? I think we're all bonkers, just some of us are more willing to admit it."
"You don't often go to country estates in Singapore, because there are no country estates in Singapore."
"There are a few hugely successful people, like Michael Jackson, who never make a mess of their lives."
"Academics are, by nature, arrogant."
"James Bond is the source of all evil."
"I would advise you to avoid Western cliches. I know - it isn't fair to bring in Chinese cliches now, but I will anyway."
"Before I became a teacher, I was an honest man."
(about how he used to work in export) "I could not get Brazilian farmers. This is why I turned to crime and became an academic."
And that's it! Just two profs, but lots from them. The other two lit profs are Not As Amusing, though they're pretty decent (I like Prof JC; she's sweet). As for Spanish - we're too busy learning vocab and grammar for her to crack too many jokes. Or for me to write them down, seeing as my brains are generally leaking out of my ears by the end of class. And the less said about my business module the better.
Decent grades so far, though. Let's hope that keeps up. =D
Prof P: [New guy! And LOTS from him!]
"No extensions on the assignments. Too many people to give extensions to unless you have a medical certificate. Or you're run over by a truck."
"Any questions?" *silence* "... Of course not. Why would there be any questions? Always clear as mud, isn't it?"
"So, about breaks. What's the standard around here? I've been told stuff, but you know, there's a bunch of slackers up there..." *points in general direction of English Dept staff offices*
"Books get published and boring people like me read them... and teach them to suffering people like you."
"Settler communities are about establishing whites, like me... so obviously it's a doomed idea."
"What did they export? Wood - while it lasted. Seals - while they lasted. Pretty much anything that could be killed, crushed, destroyed, sent back - while it lasted."
"Vast cultural variety and so on. Beaten to crap over the next - well, the rest of history, really."
"This guy's called Barron Field, which is a very unfortunate name."
"Take what he says with a grain of salt. For one, he's an idiot."
"This is my first copy - until I got this stupid one - well, really, they're both stupid editions."
(about a mute character) "How much does she talk?" *silence from class* "As much as you guys, yeah?"
"I'll use a fancy word here, 'cause that's what I'm paid to do."
"Ends up with 55000 acres, employing a huge workforce of 7 people. It's not exactly a demanding job for him, right? Looking at the sheep? Unless it snows, then you're in trouble. I mean, for starters, sheep are white... yeah, getting back to the point now -"
(about communities sprawling out into the wilderness) "It's where you put your extra people. Here in Singapore, you stick people up in the sky."
(about a book in which ugliness is punishable by a prison sentence/death) "The reason I had to come to Singapore - I was about to be sacrificed in New Zealand for my hideousness. I sympathise with this guy."
"When was that painting from? ... A long time ago. Yeah, that's all we need to know."
"Now, for something of dubious value - *puts up picture of Lord of the Rings movie* Well, there's not that many movies about farming, is there? A little gratuitous, I know, but pay attention to the landscape."
(while clip from Lord of the Rings is playing)
Aragorn: *opens eyes, sees Arwen* This is a dream.
Prof P: This is awful.
(another part of clip!)
Screen: *displays landscape*
Prof P: Different kind of New Zealand landscape, yeah?
Screen: *displays closeup of Aragorn and Arwen*
Prof P: ... Ignore the idiots in front of the picture.
Prof P: This is definitely different from what we've read so far. Good? Bad?
Student: Good.
Prof P: Good! Yeah, 'cause we like misery and suffering!
(reading from essay) "'A set of animae viles - a sort of excrementitious mass' - he means 'shit,' by the way."
"Grew up in a wealthy family, which means he's good for nothing... but he likes books and writing. So like you guys, he has no career."
Prof P: *asks about the Amazing Revelation in the beginning of the book*
Student: He finds out he's not his mother's husband's son...
Prof P: Yes. Very delicately put. He's a bastard.
"What other books does this guy read? Tom Jones, yeah? What's Tom Jones? ... Besides a guy who sings?"
(looking over at empty-ish room at beginning of lesson, then down at uncooperative laptop) "Computer seems to be running as slowly as the rest of your classmates."
"It's some sort of colonial - thingy. There's your technical term for the year."
(before playing a movie clip) "Just watch, and I'll probably make some smartarse comments as it goes on."
"It's titled While the Billy Boils... Billy being neither a person nor a bookshelf from Ikea."
"She marries a guy who has the chance to become King of Albania, and he turns it down. She's massively pissed at him and goes back to Australia. She was really crazy, but very cool."
"What does a snake look like?" *mumble from someone* "Like a snake, yeah, thanks."
"Butler's a smart guy. Crazy, but smart. I'm just crazy."
(about his expectations of our essays) "I don't want you to regurgitate what I've already told you. I want you to be telling me, 'Here's something you never thought of, Prof P, because your head's too thick.'"
Prof D:
"When I ask you to talk about a painting, a lot of you end up going 'Wha-whu-whu' in headless-chicken mode."
"Quite a lot of you have had to fight your parents to take literature, instead of dentistry or enginnering or something interesting like that."
"Have any of you been to the Leonardo exhibition?" *silence from class* "80000 people in Singapore have been, and not one of my students?"
"The privileged are always whackos."
"If I ask you all to name five paintings by Leonardo da Vinci, you'd probably say Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, oh and there was Last Supper, wasn't there? Yes, there was."
"You know who killed lieder singing for fun? The Beatles. Blame everything that's bad on the Beatles."
"Nobody learns anything from a teacher. I am wasting my time... well, not mine, since I'm earning a salary - but I'm wasting your time."
(attempting to figure out convoluted light system) "Let's see what happens when I do this -" *switches on a BRIGHT light* "- it blinds me."
"Some of you have had the misfortune of having to read Edward Said's Orientalism and other such nonsense."
"It was published in 1848, which was a magic date there - why?" *silence from class* "If in doubt, shout 'Revolution!'"
"There's a tiny little theatre there which periodically burns down. It's called the Phoenix - no, really."
(about what opera used to be like) "People were arriving late, listening to the big arias, then creeping off to the brothels. No wait, I didn't say that."
"Have you seen the dramatisation? No? I won't tell you when it was made, because it'll make me look Cro-Magnon."
"Remember, we've got that wonderfully useless phrase - 'the femme fatale'."
"Some of you have had to suffer the indignity of studying literary theory. Some of you have volunteered to do so - even stranger!"
"Is it really relevant that he was bonkers? I think we're all bonkers, just some of us are more willing to admit it."
"You don't often go to country estates in Singapore, because there are no country estates in Singapore."
"There are a few hugely successful people, like Michael Jackson, who never make a mess of their lives."
"Academics are, by nature, arrogant."
"James Bond is the source of all evil."
"I would advise you to avoid Western cliches. I know - it isn't fair to bring in Chinese cliches now, but I will anyway."
"Before I became a teacher, I was an honest man."
(about how he used to work in export) "I could not get Brazilian farmers. This is why I turned to crime and became an academic."
And that's it! Just two profs, but lots from them. The other two lit profs are Not As Amusing, though they're pretty decent (I like Prof JC; she's sweet). As for Spanish - we're too busy learning vocab and grammar for her to crack too many jokes. Or for me to write them down, seeing as my brains are generally leaking out of my ears by the end of class. And the less said about my business module the better.
Decent grades so far, though. Let's hope that keeps up. =D