a letter for marlie (read when ready)
I dont know exactly where to begin. When thinking about us, I cannot help but over analyze the situation - therefor I must stop and remember to over think and over analyze withers intuition. So Ill stick to what I do know, and forget the millions of possibilities that could be "us".
I cannot deny the fact that I love you. I cannot deny that I love your smell, your touch, your voice, the way your body fits next to mine, taste, lips, ears, eyes...
How your creative, smart, intelligent, open-minded. Youve shown alot of compassion since earlier. Although that compassion only stems from your personal experiences.
(Justin and his problems)
Can you really call that compassion, or is it understanding?
At certain points I am emberassed to be around you. You don't act like a girl would act, or a girl is like- you wander the bounds of being like another guy, a friend.
Maybe its me who should reconsider the defintion of "girl-friend". You can be crude, sometimes rude. You do not know this. I know I shouldnt point my finger at you
and wave a book of proper ettiquete in your face, I have my own faults. I dont ask for somone proper, who has a salad fork in hand, and always says grace before meal..
but I ask for a dividing line, who am I with. A guy or girl?
Otherwise your one of a kind.
To everystrong point you have, you also have weaknesses. Everyone does. Your fear of places, energy.. To fear something that cannot harm you. That alone conflicts with me.
To be attracted to those things.. things that do not give, that wont effect your outcome in life.. is also strange to me. Wonderfull they may be, you must know that there is
other things to experience, good and bad. To let go, move on. Thats just the Zen in me speaking though.
Then I can be synical and say those things don't really matter.. What you choose to do doesn't matter. The outcome is always the say, in a pinebox under the earth. With that I am conflicted.
And I do not quiet understand your need to be afflicted with a substance... Your need to smoke, anything, drink. I have never heard you refuse a drink, or anything. Does it aid in good times for you? It aids in good times and bad, but that alone only diminishes your ability to percieve, to think. I will not know your reasons for liking other things like that. When your high, drunk, or anything - am I with the real Marlie? Is that who you are? Are you fake when sober?
and I can only guess.
But those are things I cannot be around too much. The things you do, the poeple your around, your enviroment that makes you. Im afraid of those things. Of your world.
Its been a year since I first met you, a year to know you. I would of never of guessed the person I thought you where would be as you are now. But maybe I wasnt looking for a Marlie. Thats my fault. I admit I have come accustomed to being with you, but more often than not, you take me to places I don't want to be. I could be close-minded, or I could be inept to poeple afflicting me, changing me. I feel it though. I feel myself being torn in two when Im with you. When it comes to energy, when I hear you mention it, I do not know what I beleive. I can only tell you what I feel. I dont pick up other poeples energy. I only feel mine. Mine changes with my surroundings. With the poeple Im with, it even goes away. Admittingly you have taken mine from me at times. I felt nothing.
Is the Marlie Ive known for a year the real Marlie? The one who has hurt me? Or do you change even more? I can wonder what youve seen of me in a year. What you think of me after a year.
Should I take the leap of faith, thinking there is more to you? Im afriad. I might be even a fool to say yes. Honestly I think your a fool to think Im the one, so early in life. Im flattered by that.. Can you really hope and think there is a "one"? I know you love me, and it hurts me when I think these things. When I question you as a person. In all reality all I should really care about is that fact.
So yet, after pouring my thoughts on this screen, I am still confused about what to do. About us. If anything time will tell, but do I have the time? Do you have the time?
To some up my rambling, I leave you the lyrics to this song, that basically says it all for me. The song has been downloaded on your computer also..
Pushit - Tool
"I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?
But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.
Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.
But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.
Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.
But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.
Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way."
I cannot deny the fact that I love you. I cannot deny that I love your smell, your touch, your voice, the way your body fits next to mine, taste, lips, ears, eyes...
How your creative, smart, intelligent, open-minded. Youve shown alot of compassion since earlier. Although that compassion only stems from your personal experiences.
(Justin and his problems)
Can you really call that compassion, or is it understanding?
At certain points I am emberassed to be around you. You don't act like a girl would act, or a girl is like- you wander the bounds of being like another guy, a friend.
Maybe its me who should reconsider the defintion of "girl-friend". You can be crude, sometimes rude. You do not know this. I know I shouldnt point my finger at you
and wave a book of proper ettiquete in your face, I have my own faults. I dont ask for somone proper, who has a salad fork in hand, and always says grace before meal..
but I ask for a dividing line, who am I with. A guy or girl?
Otherwise your one of a kind.
To everystrong point you have, you also have weaknesses. Everyone does. Your fear of places, energy.. To fear something that cannot harm you. That alone conflicts with me.
To be attracted to those things.. things that do not give, that wont effect your outcome in life.. is also strange to me. Wonderfull they may be, you must know that there is
other things to experience, good and bad. To let go, move on. Thats just the Zen in me speaking though.
Then I can be synical and say those things don't really matter.. What you choose to do doesn't matter. The outcome is always the say, in a pinebox under the earth. With that I am conflicted.
And I do not quiet understand your need to be afflicted with a substance... Your need to smoke, anything, drink. I have never heard you refuse a drink, or anything. Does it aid in good times for you? It aids in good times and bad, but that alone only diminishes your ability to percieve, to think. I will not know your reasons for liking other things like that. When your high, drunk, or anything - am I with the real Marlie? Is that who you are? Are you fake when sober?
and I can only guess.
But those are things I cannot be around too much. The things you do, the poeple your around, your enviroment that makes you. Im afraid of those things. Of your world.
Its been a year since I first met you, a year to know you. I would of never of guessed the person I thought you where would be as you are now. But maybe I wasnt looking for a Marlie. Thats my fault. I admit I have come accustomed to being with you, but more often than not, you take me to places I don't want to be. I could be close-minded, or I could be inept to poeple afflicting me, changing me. I feel it though. I feel myself being torn in two when Im with you. When it comes to energy, when I hear you mention it, I do not know what I beleive. I can only tell you what I feel. I dont pick up other poeples energy. I only feel mine. Mine changes with my surroundings. With the poeple Im with, it even goes away. Admittingly you have taken mine from me at times. I felt nothing.
Is the Marlie Ive known for a year the real Marlie? The one who has hurt me? Or do you change even more? I can wonder what youve seen of me in a year. What you think of me after a year.
Should I take the leap of faith, thinking there is more to you? Im afriad. I might be even a fool to say yes. Honestly I think your a fool to think Im the one, so early in life. Im flattered by that.. Can you really hope and think there is a "one"? I know you love me, and it hurts me when I think these things. When I question you as a person. In all reality all I should really care about is that fact.
So yet, after pouring my thoughts on this screen, I am still confused about what to do. About us. If anything time will tell, but do I have the time? Do you have the time?
To some up my rambling, I leave you the lyrics to this song, that basically says it all for me. The song has been downloaded on your computer also..
Pushit - Tool
"I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?
But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.
Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.
But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.
Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.
But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.
Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way."