something so wild turned into paper
I can't stop thinking about the old man I just heard on NPR, who won't leave Galveston because his wife died on Monday and he hasn't buried her yet. During Rita he spent 21 hours in the car trying to evacuate and said he just can't do it again. You could hear his grief in his voice, his loss of wife, will to live. I think of all the bad things, and know it can always be worse.
I woke up at 5:45 this morning, to go to a couple of dr's appointments. Had a headache immediately, and the sinking feeling I had every time I woke up in the night. A series of not fun conversations, a little too much to drink, almost crying myself to sleep in s's arms, holding back for the sake of decency. Just wishing I knew what the fuck was going on. And not being the person whose right it is to ask anything. Took a shower, still felt sick. Got in the car to start the trek out to the suburbs. . . it was rainy and gross and a long drive and I stopped at Starfucks (why is Pause never open in the wee hours?) and everything looked gross to me. Got a scone, and nibbled on it on my way to the dr's, drank some water... About two miles away I decided to take a sip of my coffee and the second it hit my mouth I knew it was a bad idea. There was nowhere to pull over, tons of cars on the road, I threw up all over my car, myself, my hands, everything. It was one of the grossest things that's ever happened to me. I was already almost in tears with just too much fucking stuff going on in my head and heart, and it's like I just couldn't take it anymore. It all came out, hot on the steering wheel and my jeans and my favorite record, the record I can't stop listening to.
My mom called ahead to the dr's - they were so nice. Gave me a little tray for puking and some cold cold water and didn't turn up their noses, and gave me a gown to put on. Took my blood pressure. Sometimes strangers being kind to you just makes your heart burst. I mean I know, they're nurses and doctors, they're trained to handle really gross problems, but it was still nice.
I went to my mom's. Had a dentist's appointment rescheduled for later because I think if you a) get a filling fixed with a migraine or b) throw up with your mouth open and your head back you basically die immediately. So I slept, and she fed me waffles, and helped me clean my car (my poor car), and was generally a mom for the day. And I got my tooth fixed, even with the headache, and I'm not nauseated anymore, and I'm fine, back on the couch at s's. And I'm fine. My head is not fine. My heart is not fine. But I'm fine.
5 days. I leave in five days. And I don't know if that's all this tightness in my chest is, but I don't think so. I think it's so much more, and the fact that I might never get an explanation.
"so from 1 to 10, 10 is exactly what i am, 0 being everything i'm not, tell me what you like. is it less than 5? is it less than 5?"
more lyrics from the cd i threw up all over:
Lenders in the Temple
A short delay,
the parrot blues
Little voices mimic you
It's not so hard to make that sound
So watch your back,
the Ides of March
Cut your hair like Joan of Arc
Disguise your will
They'll find you out
And when they do...
Look out
There's money lenders inside the temple
That circus tiger's gonna break your heart
Something so wild turned into paper
If I loved you, well that's my fault
A bitch in heat,
the alpha male
Not something she'd ever tell
Except when she got deathly high
And out it came,
like summer rain
Washed the cars and everything
Felt clean for just a little while
A telethon...
We drunk dialed
The starving children they ain't got no mother
There's pink flamingos living in the mall
I'd give a fortune to your infomercial
If somebody would just take my call
take my call
take my call
Hello,
patterns in my mind now moving slow
Sorrow all across the surface roads
Smoothing out the edges of the stone
The lights are out, where'd everybody go?
Alone
Erase yourself and you'll be free
Mendula destroyed by the sea
All we are is colored sand
So pay to ride the ferris wheel
Smile, all that you can feel
is gratitude for what has been
Cause it did not...
happen
There's money lenders inside the temple
That circus tiger's gonna break my heart
Something so wild turned into paper
If you loved me, then that's your fault
There's money lenders inside the temple
This crystal city's gonna fall apart
When all their power turns into vapor
If I miss you well that's my fault
that's my fault
that's my fault
rewind:
spent the night and drove home through hurricane leftovers
always thinking the sky's up there just to paint me signs
what makes me think i'm so damn special?
I woke up at 5:45 this morning, to go to a couple of dr's appointments. Had a headache immediately, and the sinking feeling I had every time I woke up in the night. A series of not fun conversations, a little too much to drink, almost crying myself to sleep in s's arms, holding back for the sake of decency. Just wishing I knew what the fuck was going on. And not being the person whose right it is to ask anything. Took a shower, still felt sick. Got in the car to start the trek out to the suburbs. . . it was rainy and gross and a long drive and I stopped at Starfucks (why is Pause never open in the wee hours?) and everything looked gross to me. Got a scone, and nibbled on it on my way to the dr's, drank some water... About two miles away I decided to take a sip of my coffee and the second it hit my mouth I knew it was a bad idea. There was nowhere to pull over, tons of cars on the road, I threw up all over my car, myself, my hands, everything. It was one of the grossest things that's ever happened to me. I was already almost in tears with just too much fucking stuff going on in my head and heart, and it's like I just couldn't take it anymore. It all came out, hot on the steering wheel and my jeans and my favorite record, the record I can't stop listening to.
My mom called ahead to the dr's - they were so nice. Gave me a little tray for puking and some cold cold water and didn't turn up their noses, and gave me a gown to put on. Took my blood pressure. Sometimes strangers being kind to you just makes your heart burst. I mean I know, they're nurses and doctors, they're trained to handle really gross problems, but it was still nice.
I went to my mom's. Had a dentist's appointment rescheduled for later because I think if you a) get a filling fixed with a migraine or b) throw up with your mouth open and your head back you basically die immediately. So I slept, and she fed me waffles, and helped me clean my car (my poor car), and was generally a mom for the day. And I got my tooth fixed, even with the headache, and I'm not nauseated anymore, and I'm fine, back on the couch at s's. And I'm fine. My head is not fine. My heart is not fine. But I'm fine.
5 days. I leave in five days. And I don't know if that's all this tightness in my chest is, but I don't think so. I think it's so much more, and the fact that I might never get an explanation.
"so from 1 to 10, 10 is exactly what i am, 0 being everything i'm not, tell me what you like. is it less than 5? is it less than 5?"
more lyrics from the cd i threw up all over:
Lenders in the Temple
A short delay,
the parrot blues
Little voices mimic you
It's not so hard to make that sound
So watch your back,
the Ides of March
Cut your hair like Joan of Arc
Disguise your will
They'll find you out
And when they do...
Look out
There's money lenders inside the temple
That circus tiger's gonna break your heart
Something so wild turned into paper
If I loved you, well that's my fault
A bitch in heat,
the alpha male
Not something she'd ever tell
Except when she got deathly high
And out it came,
like summer rain
Washed the cars and everything
Felt clean for just a little while
A telethon...
We drunk dialed
The starving children they ain't got no mother
There's pink flamingos living in the mall
I'd give a fortune to your infomercial
If somebody would just take my call
take my call
take my call
Hello,
patterns in my mind now moving slow
Sorrow all across the surface roads
Smoothing out the edges of the stone
The lights are out, where'd everybody go?
Alone
Erase yourself and you'll be free
Mendula destroyed by the sea
All we are is colored sand
So pay to ride the ferris wheel
Smile, all that you can feel
is gratitude for what has been
Cause it did not...
happen
There's money lenders inside the temple
That circus tiger's gonna break my heart
Something so wild turned into paper
If you loved me, then that's your fault
There's money lenders inside the temple
This crystal city's gonna fall apart
When all their power turns into vapor
If I miss you well that's my fault
that's my fault
that's my fault
rewind:
spent the night and drove home through hurricane leftovers
always thinking the sky's up there just to paint me signs
what makes me think i'm so damn special?