[/New Volume]
note to self- the refeeding process is a bitch enough to never want to go back. Except during this process itself, that is when it is easiest to turn around. The heart throbs, the water cells multiply as your abdomen swells. Arms, chest, and limbs remain sunken and emaciated as your body refuses to release any of the weight from padding the organs until it is sure you're doing what it wants you to do.
You have gas most of the time because you eat a healthy intake now, and from years of abuse your intestines just can't deal. Your stomach hurts and the anxiety causes you to bring out the dustiest of skeletons in this closet just to deal. It's an ugly road I am so glad I get to see Tara today. The last two weeks have seemed like a nightmarish month. My body is betraying me, my menality itself is...well, that's nothing new.
I'm so glad this is only 3 more weeks. Technically, I've gone to groups over the last two weeks (3 nights total). I have made some recent self-discoveries, as wel as those incited by others and ...well yes the others. Such as the NA group I have still failed to attend. Because I'm angry and pissed off that they expect me to go once a week and sit in a very uncomfortable place listening to other people talk about extremely dangerous addictions and their experiences in recovery and feel comfortable with it?
Oh wait that's Renfrew itself, too. I can't sit in these rooms with 24 people (split into two groups that conjoin once a week..place is like a cow milking plant). I haven't said more than 100 words yet in group..average of 33.33333 a day..sounds nice. There are a lot of new people starting today and I really do NOT care except for the fact that I hope I have never met any of them.
You can see, reader, what's been eating at me as of recent [sic].
I now notice revising the upward that I failed to bring up any of the family or friends issues themselves. Leif is right, I do play with writing and write in circles. Metaphore might just be the enemy.
In addition to the awesome tent (which has been eating up the entire living and dining spaces for 7 days, PDF festival and VA with Dad + family next fall) I received some lovely "moleskin" notebooks. a set of three maybe 70 pages max, lined, and a larger sketch book. Awesome, one size too big to fit in my purse, however. I need to get a new with-me-all-the-time notebook. The last has filled, and I consider it a work of art and keep it on my bookshelf with other notebooks. It captured all the moments kinds of moments in my life for a year or so perhapsMaybe checkout Border's since they're going out..
After Bri's recent and very first accident, which severely totalled his car but spared us, good fortune has shined upon that boy. Very curious as it occured during this particular "blue" moon. Life was just plain shitty for him though. And since then, he received the above blessing in disguise (no more car payments) which of course was terrible and tragic and emotionally difficult for both of us. It made me relize how strong he can be. His mom drove us from the scene of the accident and as we weaved our wey 1/2 mile down the road to the 24 hr. compound lot at a body shop, it was concluded by Bri himself after watching the damn thing bleed out in the middle of a straightway road, not shedding a tear, that he was not meant to have that car. one stolen and the other involved in his first accident -ever- right before the holidays on the way for video games and food no less.
boo hoo.
yes it really was boo hoo.
Then he got a new job at Best Buy. and a couple perks that he damn well deserved. so hooray!
Well, I guess I am proud of both of us, both taking the cards that are dealt and playing them gawdammit.
I suppose that's really what life is about each and every day..I want to learn to slow it down to that..as even those have bcome blurs..then I wan to focus in on moments, and begin to capture life again in my words and drawings. It's been prompted and begun, but I need to keep it up. Something tells me that if I can't change the circumstances of my life that stress me the most (leading to subsequent coping mechanisms) then writing just may be the cure..or..perhaps my most trusty tool in the box...haha..I can't live without a metaphor...
Thank you strange mornings after waking from faint dreams and damp sweat which lead to writing at my prime sleepy point of the 24-hour period itself. I can always sleep before 6 am..but I know after that it's a waste
..sleep itself is another issue I need to address in the moment and as a focused healing element in whatever curative journey I am on. It is has as of many months been unhealthy and recursive in sequence so at that I'll leave it at that and call it quits.
You have gas most of the time because you eat a healthy intake now, and from years of abuse your intestines just can't deal. Your stomach hurts and the anxiety causes you to bring out the dustiest of skeletons in this closet just to deal. It's an ugly road I am so glad I get to see Tara today. The last two weeks have seemed like a nightmarish month. My body is betraying me, my menality itself is...well, that's nothing new.
I'm so glad this is only 3 more weeks. Technically, I've gone to groups over the last two weeks (3 nights total). I have made some recent self-discoveries, as wel as those incited by others and ...well yes the others. Such as the NA group I have still failed to attend. Because I'm angry and pissed off that they expect me to go once a week and sit in a very uncomfortable place listening to other people talk about extremely dangerous addictions and their experiences in recovery and feel comfortable with it?
Oh wait that's Renfrew itself, too. I can't sit in these rooms with 24 people (split into two groups that conjoin once a week..place is like a cow milking plant). I haven't said more than 100 words yet in group..average of 33.33333 a day..sounds nice. There are a lot of new people starting today and I really do NOT care except for the fact that I hope I have never met any of them.
You can see, reader, what's been eating at me as of recent [sic].
I now notice revising the upward that I failed to bring up any of the family or friends issues themselves. Leif is right, I do play with writing and write in circles. Metaphore might just be the enemy.
In addition to the awesome tent (which has been eating up the entire living and dining spaces for 7 days, PDF festival and VA with Dad + family next fall) I received some lovely "moleskin" notebooks. a set of three maybe 70 pages max, lined, and a larger sketch book. Awesome, one size too big to fit in my purse, however. I need to get a new with-me-all-the-time notebook. The last has filled, and I consider it a work of art and keep it on my bookshelf with other notebooks. It captured all the moments kinds of moments in my life for a year or so perhapsMaybe checkout Border's since they're going out..
After Bri's recent and very first accident, which severely totalled his car but spared us, good fortune has shined upon that boy. Very curious as it occured during this particular "blue" moon. Life was just plain shitty for him though. And since then, he received the above blessing in disguise (no more car payments) which of course was terrible and tragic and emotionally difficult for both of us. It made me relize how strong he can be. His mom drove us from the scene of the accident and as we weaved our wey 1/2 mile down the road to the 24 hr. compound lot at a body shop, it was concluded by Bri himself after watching the damn thing bleed out in the middle of a straightway road, not shedding a tear, that he was not meant to have that car. one stolen and the other involved in his first accident -ever- right before the holidays on the way for video games and food no less.
boo hoo.
yes it really was boo hoo.
Then he got a new job at Best Buy. and a couple perks that he damn well deserved. so hooray!
Well, I guess I am proud of both of us, both taking the cards that are dealt and playing them gawdammit.
I suppose that's really what life is about each and every day..I want to learn to slow it down to that..as even those have bcome blurs..then I wan to focus in on moments, and begin to capture life again in my words and drawings. It's been prompted and begun, but I need to keep it up. Something tells me that if I can't change the circumstances of my life that stress me the most (leading to subsequent coping mechanisms) then writing just may be the cure..or..perhaps my most trusty tool in the box...haha..I can't live without a metaphor...
Thank you strange mornings after waking from faint dreams and damp sweat which lead to writing at my prime sleepy point of the 24-hour period itself. I can always sleep before 6 am..but I know after that it's a waste
..sleep itself is another issue I need to address in the moment and as a focused healing element in whatever curative journey I am on. It is has as of many months been unhealthy and recursive in sequence so at that I'll leave it at that and call it quits.