(no subject)
So I've had a bunch of startling revelations revealed to me all in the course of a few hours. Before you go to comment about anything I say, just please take the time to read this fully and let me say everything that needs to be said.
I am not a nice person. Yes I do nice things for people all the time, and I am willing to go out of my way to help someone out but there are moments where I could be mean and make someone feel awkward or insecure. I don't want anyone to feel this way, especially someone who is close to me. I need to make an honest effort to be a genuine nice person, not make jokes or be sarcastic to someone to the effect that it could hurt their feelings and really try to put myself in people's shoes before I say or do something.
On the flip side of things, I am also someone who lets other people's opinions or criticisms take precedence over how I feel and what I truly want to do. I've been that way for as long as I can remember and for the first time I'm genuinely fed up with it. This is not directed or aimed at any one person or group of people in particular. This is just how I am with all people. As a universal person I hang out with different people from various different backgrounds and like a chameleon I almost feel like I conform myself to their standards to fit in or be "just like them". I need to be more conscious of this and really do things for me and not because of what other people think. I really need to say what my heart tells me to say despite if it pleases others or not, and I need to really feel comfortable in my skin and not dress the part for a group of people who dress or act a certain way.
I really wish I wasn't this way, but this is who I am and I acknowledge it now and want to be me and do the things I really want to do. Just writing this I feel like a burden is being lifted off my shoulers and I have this sense of freedom. I'm not being down on myself or asking for any symptahy or pity. This is a journal and I'm using it strictly for it's main purpose: to vent my thoughts.
I am not a nice person. Yes I do nice things for people all the time, and I am willing to go out of my way to help someone out but there are moments where I could be mean and make someone feel awkward or insecure. I don't want anyone to feel this way, especially someone who is close to me. I need to make an honest effort to be a genuine nice person, not make jokes or be sarcastic to someone to the effect that it could hurt their feelings and really try to put myself in people's shoes before I say or do something.
On the flip side of things, I am also someone who lets other people's opinions or criticisms take precedence over how I feel and what I truly want to do. I've been that way for as long as I can remember and for the first time I'm genuinely fed up with it. This is not directed or aimed at any one person or group of people in particular. This is just how I am with all people. As a universal person I hang out with different people from various different backgrounds and like a chameleon I almost feel like I conform myself to their standards to fit in or be "just like them". I need to be more conscious of this and really do things for me and not because of what other people think. I really need to say what my heart tells me to say despite if it pleases others or not, and I need to really feel comfortable in my skin and not dress the part for a group of people who dress or act a certain way.
I really wish I wasn't this way, but this is who I am and I acknowledge it now and want to be me and do the things I really want to do. Just writing this I feel like a burden is being lifted off my shoulers and I have this sense of freedom. I'm not being down on myself or asking for any symptahy or pity. This is a journal and I'm using it strictly for it's main purpose: to vent my thoughts.