(no subject)
Being the self-aware person that I am, it's weird when I can't pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling. which is what is going on right now. part of me feels really sad and hopeless and part feels happy and excited; another part feels cynical while still another believes the wonder and beauty of life.
I have realized that I don't need much to convince me into an emotional state of being. i only need a little bit of encouragement from someone to identify them as my friend, but, conversely, I just need to feel the slightest hint of rejection, even if the other person doesn't even notice, and I am thrown into spasms of sadness and depression and intensely low self-esteem. I don't like that I feel things this deeply but i am learning to appreciate it and recognize it for what it is.
today in classical workshop, Jimmy told me i was beautiful and sexy and attractive and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. why do i do this to myself? haven't i suffered enough to look normal and i still can't see myself the way other people see me? i would almost rather have him tell me that i sukked as an actor and would never make it... because that at least is something I can work to try to fix. i don't know what to do with compliments, especially sincere ones. Of course, i know the polite thing to do is to be gracious so I am... but inside I'm just in shambles. i want to believe that i am attractive, but there are just so many issues tied up in physical appearance for me. it's something to work on, i guess, but i wish the answers were more concrete.
i don't feel like writing anymore. good night.
I have realized that I don't need much to convince me into an emotional state of being. i only need a little bit of encouragement from someone to identify them as my friend, but, conversely, I just need to feel the slightest hint of rejection, even if the other person doesn't even notice, and I am thrown into spasms of sadness and depression and intensely low self-esteem. I don't like that I feel things this deeply but i am learning to appreciate it and recognize it for what it is.
today in classical workshop, Jimmy told me i was beautiful and sexy and attractive and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. why do i do this to myself? haven't i suffered enough to look normal and i still can't see myself the way other people see me? i would almost rather have him tell me that i sukked as an actor and would never make it... because that at least is something I can work to try to fix. i don't know what to do with compliments, especially sincere ones. Of course, i know the polite thing to do is to be gracious so I am... but inside I'm just in shambles. i want to believe that i am attractive, but there are just so many issues tied up in physical appearance for me. it's something to work on, i guess, but i wish the answers were more concrete.
i don't feel like writing anymore. good night.