(no subject)
I've been pretty busy lately, but there's been so much on my mind. I need to get it all out.
Me and Dana have been fighting like crazy and it literally makes me want to kill myself. She doesn't like Noah. She hates him. She thinks he's an asshole and that he's really gross. When she says that, it makes me feel completely idiotic for liking him. Because I like someone that's so gross and she can't even bear to think about me even liking to hang out with him.
But then she gets mad when I'm with him. She won't hang out with him, because she hates him so much. She gets mad if I talk about him at all. If I even say that I was with Noah and something that has absolutely nothing to do with him, she'll get mad. If I say my back hurts, she'll say something like, "Well, Maybe you should sleep in your own bed at your house and not sleep on Noah's floor". It pisses me off but it really just upsets me.
We like each other, and I love hanging out with him. And he's moving anytime within the next week. They don't know when they're leaving so I could just wake up one day and he could be gone. And that makes me upset.
It also makes me upset that I'm so happy, and I can't tell anyone. I don't have any friends besides Dana. That's why Noah is the only person I've been hanging out with for the past couple weeks. Dana has been pissed at me, and I have no one else. And when I try and tell Dana that I'm happy, or when I even just try to set everything aside, she always brings him up and makes me feel bad or stupid about something. There's so much I want to tell her about him. Even just funny things that have happened while I was with him. I have to change my story around so it doesn't involve him at all.
It just really, really upsets me that my best friend can't see that I'm HAPPY and can't be happy for me. I'm never happy, and for awhile, I had the most amazing friend anyone could ask for, and I was just getting to know Noah, and life was good. But now Dana is always mad at me and I hate it. I want her to be happy that I'm happy even if she does hate him. I want her to stop making me feel bad about who I like, which happens a lot. I can't help who I like, and how gross/annoying/stupid/mean other people think they are. She might not mean to, but she always makes me feel ashamed to like anyone that she doesn't "approve" of.
I just wish she could try to change her opinion, I guess. Or at least set it aside for me so she can tell that I actually like what's going on. I would support anything she did. When she was hanging out with Josh, I didn't like him that much, but I hung out with him, and tried to like him, for her. I wanted her to be happy with him and I felt like she would be, if I liked him, too. Even though he bugged the shit out of me, and he was an asshole a lot, I tried to like him, for her. I wish she could do that. Or even just listen to me talk. I haven't had anyone to talk to for almost 3 weeks that I don't feel like an idiot talking to about what I need to.
I love Dana more than anything and anyone. I can safely say that she is my favorite person in the world and means everything to me. I would die for her in an instant. Her approval means so much more than it should. I need her to survive. As corny as that sounds, it's true. Without her, I will die. I just wish that she could see what's going on, and try to look at it in a different light.
I don't know. That's all for now. But there's definitely more. There's always something else bothering me.
I'm just too tried. I have school in about an house. I think I'm gonna go back to bed for awhile.