it's official
i am going crazy.
i hate, more than anything, being refered to as "this girl" by someone you love more than cigarettes and jack daniels. i hate thinking about how i've always been emotionally assaulted by boys, but how i've let myself emotionally assult someone unintentionally, and it drains me. i hate the summer, i miss the winter, i like thinking of walking to work in the snow with a yorkshire terrier that i will name after someone i am in love with, wearing a coat over a sweater. i hate thinking of being replaced and my inability to believe or trust in anyone, or let myself be honest with people i should be. i hate falling asleep alone, wrapped in my blanket in my warm bedroom listening to ida skip over and over on my 1980 turntable. i hate smoking cigarettes and drinking wine by myself at 3am because i am lonely and feel that no one takes me seriously or understands me. i hate sitting upright in my bed in the dark, reading old journals or letters that i am wasting my time with remembering. i hate taking my clothes off at the end of the night and not having them smell like someone who loves me. i hate that i still internally feel like i did at sixteen, insecure and troubled, though i'll be 22 in 25 days. i hate leaving people's houses at 7am and feeling completely uninteresting and disgusting. i hate apologizing for being uninteresting and disgusting. i hate going places alone and realizing that i have no one left to call in my phone book, all cast aside or cast me aside ages ago and i regret basically everything. i hate that my mom is deterierating, mentally, and there is nothing i can do about it. i hated watching my cousin become part of a marriage, i hate how beautiful she looked, and i hate how estranged i felt from her, overall.
eventually i will be able to reach into myself fully, perhaps just stop caring more than i already have. i dreamt of riding horses in ransomville, walking on the beach with my father, taking pictures of me eating french fries at fort niagara and making out in the woods behind my old house. i get sad, still, while watching things like this, late at night or at any time, and really i would just like to be kissed in the rain and be taken care of and protected. i really would just like someone to really love me and not make my heart and life in general more miserable and dramatic.
take me to niagara falls at midnight, kiss me in the grass while it's raining, put me in the car when i've had too much to drink, put me in bed, put a record on and kiss my forehead and tell me goodnight and that you'll still be here when i wake up.
i am surrounded by beautiful people on a daily basis that i am nothing but intimidated by, whom i want nothing more to be close to and confide in, and whom i lay awake at night thinking about just how i can open myself up to them.