Real life: Social anxiety at work
Okay this is my first post about my life that I've made in a while. I'm making this post in hopes that maybe someone would have advice on how to overcome what I'm going through, or if not that, at least writing out the problem may help me clarify what I'm feeling/thinking.
Here is the lowdown: When I have conversations with people at work about non-work related stuff which happens from time to time, even for a cataloger, I become anxious and second guess the entire conversation within minutes after the conversation ends. It's always worse when I'm tired from sleeping poorly so I know I need to sleep well to mitigate these effects.
I'm just not sure when this started? I think at some point I must have internalized that my real personality is horrible and I have to hide it at all costs, especially at work, and when I slip up I go into hyper-worry mode. Or I don't want anyone there to think I'm immature and sometimes scattered brained.
No one has said anything negative about me. In the limited amount of time I've gotten to know my co-workers and people in other departments, I can say that they all seem rather awesome and fun people. Everyone seems to have a healthy sense of humor and are nice. I've also received paperwork that laid out my job duties for the upcoming fiscal year and my yearly review was positive. At the state job I had temporarily (the one that was pretty good but short term) they all said I was a great team player, and got along well with others, and my contributions to the project were above expectations. It's like when things go well I become more anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel safe at my current job which is why I'm so puzzled as why I feel anxious after conversations, and it's not just one person that's the causing the anxiety it's everyone I talk to!
I cannot pinpoint the source of my anxiety. Then I feel this overwhelming need to double check with the person to make sure I didn't offend them. Today I stopped myself because I figured if the person leaves with a smile from a conversation (a real smile) then all is probably well. Though to be fair the person did end the conversation kind of quickly and went in another direction. To be fair he was headed in the direction of the bathrooms and we had just been in an meeting that lasted an hour. I know this logically, but emotionally I worry that I had said something wrong and I'll be ostracized like I was at my last work place.
I also don't want people to think I'm insecure so I can't get the reassurance I feel like I need. It's horrible.
I wish I knew how to navigate the world with more confidence or at least go back to how I was in my early twenties in which I gave no fucks as to what people thought about me or what I said in public. Not that I went out of my way to offend people but I don't recall worrying this much. Maybe this is just a result of working for money and needing to please people so I can keep getting paid.
That's it for tonight, I'm going to go and watch Arrow and try to relax.
http://amalthia.dreamwidth.org/839386.html#comments
Here is the lowdown: When I have conversations with people at work about non-work related stuff which happens from time to time, even for a cataloger, I become anxious and second guess the entire conversation within minutes after the conversation ends. It's always worse when I'm tired from sleeping poorly so I know I need to sleep well to mitigate these effects.
I'm just not sure when this started? I think at some point I must have internalized that my real personality is horrible and I have to hide it at all costs, especially at work, and when I slip up I go into hyper-worry mode. Or I don't want anyone there to think I'm immature and sometimes scattered brained.
No one has said anything negative about me. In the limited amount of time I've gotten to know my co-workers and people in other departments, I can say that they all seem rather awesome and fun people. Everyone seems to have a healthy sense of humor and are nice. I've also received paperwork that laid out my job duties for the upcoming fiscal year and my yearly review was positive. At the state job I had temporarily (the one that was pretty good but short term) they all said I was a great team player, and got along well with others, and my contributions to the project were above expectations. It's like when things go well I become more anxious, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel safe at my current job which is why I'm so puzzled as why I feel anxious after conversations, and it's not just one person that's the causing the anxiety it's everyone I talk to!
I cannot pinpoint the source of my anxiety. Then I feel this overwhelming need to double check with the person to make sure I didn't offend them. Today I stopped myself because I figured if the person leaves with a smile from a conversation (a real smile) then all is probably well. Though to be fair the person did end the conversation kind of quickly and went in another direction. To be fair he was headed in the direction of the bathrooms and we had just been in an meeting that lasted an hour. I know this logically, but emotionally I worry that I had said something wrong and I'll be ostracized like I was at my last work place.
I also don't want people to think I'm insecure so I can't get the reassurance I feel like I need. It's horrible.
I wish I knew how to navigate the world with more confidence or at least go back to how I was in my early twenties in which I gave no fucks as to what people thought about me or what I said in public. Not that I went out of my way to offend people but I don't recall worrying this much. Maybe this is just a result of working for money and needing to please people so I can keep getting paid.
That's it for tonight, I'm going to go and watch Arrow and try to relax.
http://amalthia.dreamwidth.org/839386.html#comments