rocks and hard places.
I've always known, to some extent, that there are two halves of me.
One is really trusting, oversensitive, oblivious, in love with love, eager to live up to expectations, etc. And one is cynical, observant, hyper-critical, cold, selfish, usually pissed off. I've been conversing with myself in my own head for as long as I can remember; since I was a kid, I guess. I have the sense to know why I might have compartmentalized these two sides and that it's not really normal.
I also had the sense, as of April 2008, to start realizing that I shouldn't just be the former person at the expense of the latter, that I shouldn't put everyone else so far ahead of me that -- well, it still takes me becoming literally sick in some cases to realize that what I put myself through on behalf of other people is probably not a good idea.
What I don't know is how to reconcile these two halves, not totally. I've made a lot of progress in the past two years, but I've regressed a good few times, too.
I've been thinking lately about things that I want. And ultimately I think there's not much, that actually I could feel all right (or even better) with a lot less going on in my life than there is already, and that in the long term I wouldn't crave very much more.
But I do want to stop being one extreme at a time. I do want to stop cycling through versions of me like some kind of disguise queen.
And I might not know exactly how to do it yet. But that's my new school year resolution, I guess.
One is really trusting, oversensitive, oblivious, in love with love, eager to live up to expectations, etc. And one is cynical, observant, hyper-critical, cold, selfish, usually pissed off. I've been conversing with myself in my own head for as long as I can remember; since I was a kid, I guess. I have the sense to know why I might have compartmentalized these two sides and that it's not really normal.
I also had the sense, as of April 2008, to start realizing that I shouldn't just be the former person at the expense of the latter, that I shouldn't put everyone else so far ahead of me that -- well, it still takes me becoming literally sick in some cases to realize that what I put myself through on behalf of other people is probably not a good idea.
What I don't know is how to reconcile these two halves, not totally. I've made a lot of progress in the past two years, but I've regressed a good few times, too.
I've been thinking lately about things that I want. And ultimately I think there's not much, that actually I could feel all right (or even better) with a lot less going on in my life than there is already, and that in the long term I wouldn't crave very much more.
But I do want to stop being one extreme at a time. I do want to stop cycling through versions of me like some kind of disguise queen.
And I might not know exactly how to do it yet. But that's my new school year resolution, I guess.