(no subject)
I was really upset last night, this weekend...I guess...I was mad because I dont really have any friends...well I mean I do, but the ones that are my friends are friends in a different way...I mean they know like all the "stuff" about me...but they dont know like the inside stuff, how i feel and everything. and we leave it that way and are fine with it...we hang out at school and on halloween and other days like that...but thats really it. so my best friend has this new boyfriend...and she spends all her time with him, and i dont want to be like...the third wheel on the motorcycle...so i dont hang out with them...not like theyd want me to or anything. but so i havent talked to anyone for awhile outside of work, school and my parents... i was thinking today about the friends i had last year, and how i've matured and they havent...at all...i was actually thinking about asking them all when they were going to grow up and get a life of their own and not live how their parents tell them to, not do what everybody else does just to be cool...i mean, they were always complaining about how nobody liked them even though they are surrounded by people who adore them...but i just dont like it how everyone has to be like everyone else to be accepted...people should be different...thats the way we are on the outside...why do we all have to be the same on the inside too? think this way act that way...do this.. i will not stand to be conditioned into doing what everyone else does...i want to be myself and be accepted that way. so continuing where i started: i was upset because i didnt really have anyone to hang out with friday saturday and sunday night... and i was really looking forward to seeing byron, and that didnt happen... so friday i went with one of the girls in the musical im in and it was cool just hanging out...then on saturday night i went out with my "best" friend for her birthday, but it was awkward because she hates byron, byron hates her, shes my "best" friend and byrons my boyfriend...and all she talked about is her boyfriend, and she didnt want to listen to me...so i just started telling her about how ive been really depressed lately, and really upset that she has been so lame in not trying to hang out at all...and how all i need is someone to talk to...and it was cool... then like saturday night byron was being kind of weird maybe...maybe it was my interpretation, but i just felt that we havent been cool lately...i just want to see him...and if not see him...at least talk to him...but hes always at a party or somewhere where there are people around fucking making fun of him if he talks to me...well fuck that, so just because people think its funny, my relationship plummets...piss on me basically... so sunday night i went to church with my old best friend...i thought she like became a "good girl" but i guess not...and we had a pretty cool time...i talked to byron on the phone after church and just told him that i had been pretty upset that he was making no effort to talk to me, and that my life was basically worthless because whats the point of living if you cant share your life with someone? just living for the hell of it? I guess thats not enough motivation for me...so i told byron i just needed him to give me like 10 minutes a day and just talk to me...or at least say I LOVE YOU... and i was crying standing in my driveway...so i got off the phone with him and went inside and my mom and i watched a hallmark movie...it was touching... then byron and i talked on the phone again and we talked for like an hour which is a lot considering we talked like 10 minutes in a week... and it was cute...but that doesnt change the fact that i miss him like hell and he has ass loads of fun and i hang out with car salesmen...what an extremely entertaining hobby... now i am off to practice once upon a mattress...kicken