Twilight in 15 Minutes
THIS is quite frankly the funniest thing I've read all year! This is funny even if you haven't seen/read Twilight!
Some of my favorites:
You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis.
EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.
BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?
EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.
BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden melted topaz butterscotch.
[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlie's weird friend gets dead. Also, James has no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]
This line made me laugh so fucking hard I almost peed my pants:
CARLISLE: Bella, I'm so sorry... your father's weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.
BELLA: I didn't even know we had those in this movie!
CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. They're very rare in Forks.
EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.
BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?
[So Edward's all like, "Don't move, no, seriously, I mean it, DON'T MOVE" but after they rub noses for like fifteen minutes Bella pretty much jumps him and we discover that she is wearing, not unreasonably, a t-shirt and underwear in bed. Edward LOSES CONTROL OMG and flings himself back against the wall:]
EDWARD: PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS ARE NOT OKAY!
JASPER: Hey, do you psychically sense Bella leaving the hotel? Like, because James called her phone and said he was holding her mother hostage? And he'd kill us all if she didn't go quietly?
ALICE: No, why?
JASPER: *looks pained*
BELLA: HEY HEY CAN I BE A VAMPIRE NOW?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: How about now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?
EDWARD: NO!
There's even more funny. You should go and read it. I laughed so hard I actually cried.
It was written by cleolinda in m15m .