SCI Topic #2: Irreversible
Ambition is not something that’s ever been lacking in my life. For as far back as I can remember, I was always striving to be the very best at everything. I wanted… no, I needed to be number one regardless of what it was. And it always came as a crushing blow when I wasn’t. I remember feeling like my world was about to end when I lost the sixth grade class presidency to Janice Martin. I cried for two days and sulked for another three when, in my junior year of high school when our Academic Bowl team lost in the finals. I didn’t come out of my room for a week when I wasn’t named Captain of the cheer squad my senior year. I didn’t fail often but when I did, I took it incredibly hard.
I suppose I can attribute my drive to my parents. It was their example that showed me how I didn’t want to live my life. Neither were ambitious, neither were driven and as a result, neither were a success. At anything. They weren’t necessarily bad as parents go but they were just too passive, letting life happen to them rather than taking control of it and bending it to your will. They were content to just get by, never reaching for that brass ring. Unlike them, I graduated college, I graduated law school, I passed the bar at a very young age and landed a job at a prestigious law firm. I wanted more out of life than my parents ever dreamed of and I was damn sure not going to quit until I got it.
Here I am now, 43-years old, standing on the balcony of the multi-million dollar home in the Hollywood hills that I call home. I’m a top-flight and much sought after criminal defense attorney and am rich beyond my wildest childhood dreams. Actors, rock stars and athletes all have me on speed dial and more celebrities than I can count have been in my home. I am a long way from Wilkesboro, North Carolina and take fierce pride in the fact that I have hammered and forged myself into everything that I am today. As I sip a glass of Merlot, I can hear the music and the laughter of the New Year’s Eve revelers in the homes around me while I stand alone in the darkness alone and wonder, not for the first time, about the decision I made all those years ago. The decision that put me on this trajectory of professional success but personal failure.
*****
“Are you sure? There’s no mistake?”
My voice was shaking as much as my hand was as I listened to the reply.
“I see,” I said. “No. Thank you.”
I hung up and tossed my cell down on the desk. This was the worst possible news at the worst possible time. I’d just learned that morning that morning that my work had made a strong impression and that my career was being fast-tracked, that I was on target to be the youngest partner ever in the firm’s history. It was everything I’d worked for, everything I sweated and bled for. Everything I wanted was within my reach. And now this. Pregnant. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair, willing myself to not see my career and the future I’d so carefully mapped out going out the window with a trashcan full of diapers.
“Why me?” I asked nobody in particular. “Why now?”
“Mags, you seem distracted,” said my fiancée Josh later that evening. “What’s up?”
We’d been sitting on the couch together, he watched television while I revised some briefs that were due in the morning.
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “What?”
He chuckled. “You’ve been reading that same page for twenty minutes now. Must be incredibly fascinating stuff.”
“Sorry, I guess I’m just a little distracted.”
“By?” He asked as he muted the television.
We sat in awkward silence for a few moments as I attempted to find a way to broach the subject. It wasn’t like a trial where I could nibble around the edges and create a narrative before plunging into the heart of the matter. Direct was probably the best way to attack it.
“Josh,” I said. “I’m pregnant.”
His face clearly registered the shock and disbelief. Definitely not what he was expecting.
“Pregnant?” He asked lamely. “You’re sure?”
I sat up and turned toward him, dropping the briefs on the coffee table. “The doctor confirmed it today.”
It was just as I feared. I watched the shock and disbelief on his face give way to a broad smile as he grasped my hands.
“Mags, this is incredible,” he said. “This is great! We’re going to have our own family.”
I pulled my hands away from his and looked him in the eye. “We’re not keeping it, Josh.”
It took a moment for that to sink in. “What do you mean we’re not keeping it? This is our child, Mags. You can’t just get rid of it like a piece of garbage.”
“And it’s not a puppy you found on the street,” I said. “You can’t just keep it because you think it’s cute. A child takes all of your time and energy. Time and energy I’m unwilling to give right now.”
I could see tears welling in his eyes. I knew he didn’t understand my decision. I took his hands gently in mine and just looked at him for a moment.
“Josh,” I finally said. “I’m on the fast-track. I’m going to be a partner in that firm very, very soon. I can feel it. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I’ve worked myself to death for.”
He wiped away his tears and looked at the television, the walls, the ceiling… anywhere but at me. Composed, he finally turned back to me.
“All I’ve wanted all these years we’ve been together,” he said. “Is a life and a family with you, Mags.”
“And we can still have those things,” I replied. “In time. When we’re in a position to provide for a child, give it everything it needs and wants, when we can make a real life for it.”
He shook his head and pulled his hands away from me. “There’s more to raising a child than being able to buy it nice things.”
I could feel the anger begin rising up within me. Could he really be this obtuse?
“You’re being rather cavalier about my dreams,” I said sharply. “There’s more to my life than being able to ‘buy nice things.’ I’m ambitious and I want what I want. Is that such a crime?”
He gripped my hands tight again, seemingly trying to will me to see things his way. “Mags,” he said. “I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to have this baby, to have a life and a family together. Life needs to be about more than work and achievement. Life should be about enjoying it for its own sake, for enjoying your time with those you love. So what if you can’t buy the top-end things, in the end, it’s only stuff. Stuff can’t replace love.”
“You sound like my parents,” I said.
He shook his head sadly. “They may not have driven a Benz or eaten off of fine china,” he said. “But they had each other, they were happy and that was enough for them.”
I said nothing. He didn’t know my parents like I did. They never made anything of themselves or their lives and I refused to follow suit. I was going to be somebody.
“Do I not even have a say in this?” Josh asked softly.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But no. This is my decision to make.”
He leaned over and kissed my cheek softly. Pulling back he looked into my eyes and gave my hands a squeeze before standing and walking out of my apartment.
*****
I never saw Josh again after that night. He never even bothered to come by and collect his things. I checked up on him over the years as I was always curious about him, how his life turned out. Through a mutual acquaintance, I learned that he had eventually married and had a family of his own. I was told that he was… happy.
I looked down at the lights of the city below me. Fireworks sprung up here and there, loud explosions ripping through the nighttime sky. It was obviously midnight and the start of a new year. I reflect back over my life, to the one decision I made that irreversibly changed it forever. What would my life be like had I made the decision to keep the baby and start my family with Josh? Sure, I wouldn’t have this incredible home and all of the nice things inside of it. But perhaps had I chosen differently, I wouldn’t need it. Perhaps I would have friends instead of clients and perhaps I wouldn’t be alone on New Year’s Eve sipping wine and watching everybody else enjoying their life. Perhaps, if I hadn’t made the decision I made, I would be… happy.
“Happy New Year,” I said as I raised my glass to the city below me.