Her
She's still the same... After ten years she is still mostly the person she was.
And I'm not sure if I can handle it...
She picked me up from the halfway house today and we went to Chili's for lunch. Getting into the vehicle and seeing her reignited so many competing emotions. I could smell the alcohol in the vehicle, so I could tell she'd been drinking. The problems was, all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and kiss her.
But I didn't.
We talked about Micah and her husband the whole way to Chili's. Yes, her husband. She's married...
Not sure how to handle that...
Chili's was a blur. We talked and ate, but it went by so fast. Her brown eyes are all I can really remember. We talked about Micah, the kids, random bits.
On one hand, I'd give anything to win her back. On the other, I don't stand a chance.
At the end of the meal, she refused to let me pay, instead she paid. Then she wanted to go to Walmart.
That started the toughest time...
She wanted to hold my hand and made scene fighting with her self about it. Eventually, her fingers intertwined with mine. Where they belong. Where I'd do almost anything to keep them. But she's married....
Shopping in Walmart seemed natural, like there hadn't been a decade long gap between us doing the mundane task. Every so often, out fingers would re-interwine, she'd bursh her hand across my back, I'd stroke her hair; the casual affection.
They way she looks in her tights though....
I caught her smelling me, nuzzling my side, relaxing into me.
But she's married...
I am just as confused emotionally as I was months ago when she called. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I want her back so bad and want to do everything in my power to win her back. On the other, I know she doesn't value me like I cherish her. If I could win her away from her husband, then someone could win her away from me.
The pros:
Her personality
She's a hell of a mother to her kids
Those lips, that body, her eyes
The way she speaks my love languages of physical touch and quality time
The cons
She's married
She drinks
A purely classical weighing would say to do everything to win her back... Which is what my heart says and wants. BUT, those two cons carry more weight. Something like a square or cubed exponent. This would mean to shut everything down.
But does the heart listen? Even in the face of overwhelming logic.
Fuck, I don't know what
As I'm typing this, she just called....
What do I do?