Crying
I wear sunglasses 24/7 now...I have for a few days. I hate people seeing me cry...and I cry all the time now. I cry for no reason. What the hell. Man, I guess I'm getting a sensitivity re-up or something because I care now. I care about a lot of things. I guess that's not put correctly. I've always cared about things, great or tiny. I didn't always acknowledge (intrapersonally) that I cared; however, the concern was there. I just managed to repress such feelings for so long, it eventually became second nature to me...resulting in this *points to self* careless, "whatever" demeanor that I seem to have. LoL God, I am so that person. Or was. Now it's weird. I scream sensitivity...on the inside. I still can't seem to let it show. I can tell you exactly why. Fear. I'm afraid. I don't know what will come of giving in to an emotion that's not rage or anger. I mean, what happens when I let this out? I haven't a damn clue. I cry all the time. I hate people seeing me cry asking, what's wring with you, like they might have a clue in the world how to help me. And all I can say is, I dunno. I wish I could tap into this, deep into the heart of these tears and find their root. I mean, I'm able to choke them back sometimes but other times, I cry so intensely that it scares me. There are so many feelings involved...and I can't even put my finger on one. I wish I could. I wish I could get a hint as to where these tears are coming from. Maybe someday I'll know. I just like logical things...even though I am a pretty big dreamer. I feel physically sick all of the time now too. I have pains everywhere. Sharp pains. I've been waiting, hoping they'll go away but they haven't yet. I also keep getting these (pulses)? (waves)? of some sort running throughout my entire body. like an electronic twitch of some sort. It makes my vision clout and I feel like my face contracts. I feel like people can see it happens, but no one's ever mentioned it so I guess they don't notice. Eh, I have no idea. Am I sick? Anyway, I need a nap. HH at 4