headaches.

[amoracious]

i broke down on the phone today with my mom. i know there's something i need, but i just can't figure it out. i'm trying to have faith that God will help me through everything, but it's hard when he took my grandpa from me on my spring break and he's gonna take my great grandpa away from me very, very soon as well. i know that grandpa is in a better place where all the cancer and everything he felt is gone but i can't help but be upset with everything that he's done to my grandma. She's a mess, and i hate to see her that way. on the other hand, i truly believe my entire [extended and immediate] family is growing closer. that everything happened on spring break so i could be with my family and support my mom and the rest of my wonderful family. i'm starting to really, really understand that family is the only thing that will ever be solid in my life, and i like that. i really am blessed with the best family; a family that understands me, loves me and accepts me just the way i am. i love all of them more than i can put into words. its hard to be away from that and thrown into a world where people are so ugly and i just feel so lonely. i got called a "bitch" by a stupid motherfucking asshole just because i didn't realize he said "hey, whats up" to me. really jackass?! ugh. i hate college people, even if i am one. everyone is so immature, ungrateful, ugly (on the inside) and stupid. there are so many more important things than getting tans and getting wasted beyond belief. it boils my blood so much! i just really miss being constantly surrounded by people that actually care about me. i want to find that here, but its hard. i'm so shy that its seems almost darn right impossible.

i don't want to feel depressed. i need to be happy.
i'm gonna try.

maybe feng shui will help?