(no subject)
ROCKY FUCKING HORROR SHOW.
This outburst makes sense to no one, but I assure you that it's completely necessary.
*does a happy dance at the thought of filling out a course evaluation for Ian*
Still. He deserves anything I write because I basically spent most of my month here writing his play and not my own.
Mind you, I still wrote a lot for myself because I'm amazing like that.
For example, this half-fictionalized account of the origin of the phrase, "Good morning, lesbians!"
LIGHTS UP
SCENE: THE MAGIC HALLWAY. The Magic Hallway is actually more of a "Magic Stairwell." The space is somewhat confined, the fake stone floor covered in a gray carpet that has occasionally been known to eat human souls; it is stained by food and drink in several places. Several bags and backpacks in varying forms of use sit against the back wall - some are open, revealing textbooks, notebooks, books for English classes, CD players, iPods, plastic-bagged sandwiches, bottles of Coke, and the other miscellaneous effects of high school life. A messily-organized pile of textbooks and papers sit on the aged wood windowsill and flyers advertising school dances, Amnesty International fundraising events, and the spring production of Henry V dot the walls in neon colors. KASSIE, 16, and JAKE, 19, sit on the floor, using their laptops. As they speak, Kassie remains transfixed on her screen.
JAKE
Do you get wireless here?
KASSIE
Yeah.
JAKE
Okay, I have a card, it's picking up signals... why won't it work?
KASSIE
What's it getting?
JAKE
"Home." Is that the network? "Home?"
KASSIE
Oh, that one? No.
JAKE
Then what is it?
KASSIE
It's like... RSBhm or something.
JAKE
What?
KASSIE
Roeper School Birmingham. Makes sense, don't you think?
JAKE
Oh... well, yeah, I guess so. How do I get it?
Kassie doesn't respond for several seconds.
JAKE
Kassie? (beat) Kassie?
Kassie perks her head up.
KASSIE
Huh?
JAKE
How do I get it?
KASSIE
Get what?
JAKE
The wireless. How do I connect to it?
KASSIE
Oh, you have to go up and talk to Dave Koppy.
JAKE
Oh.
KASSIE
Well, Russ, actually, but-
JAKE
Russ? Who's Russ? He new?
KASSIE
No... he was here last year.
JAKE
He was?
KASSIE
Yeah. You know... Spider.
Kassie sets her computer down and sticks her elbow out; she traces invisible lines on it with her fingers. Jake still looks confused.
KASSIE
Oh, come on. The one with the tattoos and the motorcycle.
JAKE
(in recognition)
Oh! Him! I thought he was just called "Snake."
KASSIE
Only by the sixth graders.
JAKE
Oh. Okay.
They both return to using their laptops in an awkward silence.
JAKE
So, it's not worth it, I guess.
KASSIE
Huh?
JAKE
I mean... having to go all the way up there-
KASSIE
It's half a flight of stairs, Jake.
JAKE
Hush! As I was saying, having to go all the way up there, talk to someone who looks like a felon-
KASSIE
He's really a nice guy.
JAKE
Quiet, woman. As I was saying, it's just not worth it to go all the way up th-
KASSIE
The half flight of stairs.
JAKE
To talk to someone who looks like a felon, and you have to admit that he kind of does-
KASSIE
Doesn't mean he isn't a nice guy.
JAKE
I didn't say it did, but... stop interrupting me, please.
KASSIE
Whatever.
JAKE
Thank you.
KASSIE
Uh huh...
Jake sets his computer down and stares at Kassie in an increasingly awkward silence. All she does is click loudly on her keyboard and stare intently at her computer screen. He stands up and crosses to her, but she doesn't react. He waves both arms like bird wings and she still doesn't look up at him. He does a merry jig to no response. Finally, he twitches violently, batting his arms at nothing in particular, and collapses to the floor while screaming:
JAKE
(screaming)
AAAHHHHH! THE PAIN! IT BURNS AND STINGS LIKE FIRE AND BEES TOGETHER! FIRE BEES! MIS PANTALONES ESTAN EN FUEGOS.
[My pants are on fire.]
He writhes on the floor, screaming wordlessly. Exhausted, he finally decides to give up and lies in a neutral, spread-eagled position on the floor. Beat. Kassie looks up.
KASSIE
(calmly)
I'm sorry, Jake. Were you saying something?
Jake sits up abruptly and stares at her, somewhere between shock and rage.
KASSIE
Can I help you?
JAKE
You. Are. Not. Human!
KASSIE
I feel pretty human...
She extends her arms and looks at them quizically.
KASSIE
I look pretty human...
She pokes her cheek.
KASSIE
I'm definitely squishy like a human...
JAKE
But I yelled about fire bees!
KASSIE
You did?
JAKE
Yes!
KASSIE
Oh. I didn't notice.
JAKE
My point exactly! You're not human!
KASSIE
But we just established-
JAKE
C'thulhu beast from beyond the stars!
KASSIE
No, just preoccupied.
JAKE
What on Earth are you looking at that you're too preoccupied to not notice fire and bees together?
KASSIE
Porn.
Silence. Jake blinks and stares at her.
JAKE
(shocked)
What?!
KASSIE
You heard me: porn.
JAKE
Is this your Brokeback Mountain thinger again?
KASSIE
One: Brokeback Mountain isn't porn. Two: no.
JAKE
Then, what-
KASSIE
Come take a look.
Jake shrugs and obliges: he stands up again and walks behind her, staring down at her laptop.
JAKE
Oh my God! Is that...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
Doing...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
With a...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
Well. Good morning, lesbians!
KASSIE
Good morning, Jake.
LIGHTS FADE.
Wonky format is excused by, "Well, Ian made us write our plays in screenplay format. ...Yeah. We know. ...YOU try arguing with him, THEN talk to us about it."
By the way: I LOVE JOE VINCIGUERRA.
In the most adoring, yet still legal, platonic, and not shady way possible.
And I'm confused by the fact that, despite any vaguely crush-ish feelings at RA Jake, I still talk to him easier than most people. Usually, I get stupid and can't talk in this situation. He's just cool like that.
Edit, 1:25 AM: Want One is seriously the best, "do your goddamn work already" album ever.
This outburst makes sense to no one, but I assure you that it's completely necessary.
*does a happy dance at the thought of filling out a course evaluation for Ian*
Still. He deserves anything I write because I basically spent most of my month here writing his play and not my own.
Mind you, I still wrote a lot for myself because I'm amazing like that.
For example, this half-fictionalized account of the origin of the phrase, "Good morning, lesbians!"
LIGHTS UP
SCENE: THE MAGIC HALLWAY. The Magic Hallway is actually more of a "Magic Stairwell." The space is somewhat confined, the fake stone floor covered in a gray carpet that has occasionally been known to eat human souls; it is stained by food and drink in several places. Several bags and backpacks in varying forms of use sit against the back wall - some are open, revealing textbooks, notebooks, books for English classes, CD players, iPods, plastic-bagged sandwiches, bottles of Coke, and the other miscellaneous effects of high school life. A messily-organized pile of textbooks and papers sit on the aged wood windowsill and flyers advertising school dances, Amnesty International fundraising events, and the spring production of Henry V dot the walls in neon colors. KASSIE, 16, and JAKE, 19, sit on the floor, using their laptops. As they speak, Kassie remains transfixed on her screen.
JAKE
Do you get wireless here?
KASSIE
Yeah.
JAKE
Okay, I have a card, it's picking up signals... why won't it work?
KASSIE
What's it getting?
JAKE
"Home." Is that the network? "Home?"
KASSIE
Oh, that one? No.
JAKE
Then what is it?
KASSIE
It's like... RSBhm or something.
JAKE
What?
KASSIE
Roeper School Birmingham. Makes sense, don't you think?
JAKE
Oh... well, yeah, I guess so. How do I get it?
Kassie doesn't respond for several seconds.
JAKE
Kassie? (beat) Kassie?
Kassie perks her head up.
KASSIE
Huh?
JAKE
How do I get it?
KASSIE
Get what?
JAKE
The wireless. How do I connect to it?
KASSIE
Oh, you have to go up and talk to Dave Koppy.
JAKE
Oh.
KASSIE
Well, Russ, actually, but-
JAKE
Russ? Who's Russ? He new?
KASSIE
No... he was here last year.
JAKE
He was?
KASSIE
Yeah. You know... Spider.
Kassie sets her computer down and sticks her elbow out; she traces invisible lines on it with her fingers. Jake still looks confused.
KASSIE
Oh, come on. The one with the tattoos and the motorcycle.
JAKE
(in recognition)
Oh! Him! I thought he was just called "Snake."
KASSIE
Only by the sixth graders.
JAKE
Oh. Okay.
They both return to using their laptops in an awkward silence.
JAKE
So, it's not worth it, I guess.
KASSIE
Huh?
JAKE
I mean... having to go all the way up there-
KASSIE
It's half a flight of stairs, Jake.
JAKE
Hush! As I was saying, having to go all the way up there, talk to someone who looks like a felon-
KASSIE
He's really a nice guy.
JAKE
Quiet, woman. As I was saying, it's just not worth it to go all the way up th-
KASSIE
The half flight of stairs.
JAKE
To talk to someone who looks like a felon, and you have to admit that he kind of does-
KASSIE
Doesn't mean he isn't a nice guy.
JAKE
I didn't say it did, but... stop interrupting me, please.
KASSIE
Whatever.
JAKE
Thank you.
KASSIE
Uh huh...
Jake sets his computer down and stares at Kassie in an increasingly awkward silence. All she does is click loudly on her keyboard and stare intently at her computer screen. He stands up and crosses to her, but she doesn't react. He waves both arms like bird wings and she still doesn't look up at him. He does a merry jig to no response. Finally, he twitches violently, batting his arms at nothing in particular, and collapses to the floor while screaming:
JAKE
(screaming)
AAAHHHHH! THE PAIN! IT BURNS AND STINGS LIKE FIRE AND BEES TOGETHER! FIRE BEES! MIS PANTALONES ESTAN EN FUEGOS.
[My pants are on fire.]
He writhes on the floor, screaming wordlessly. Exhausted, he finally decides to give up and lies in a neutral, spread-eagled position on the floor. Beat. Kassie looks up.
KASSIE
(calmly)
I'm sorry, Jake. Were you saying something?
Jake sits up abruptly and stares at her, somewhere between shock and rage.
KASSIE
Can I help you?
JAKE
You. Are. Not. Human!
KASSIE
I feel pretty human...
She extends her arms and looks at them quizically.
KASSIE
I look pretty human...
She pokes her cheek.
KASSIE
I'm definitely squishy like a human...
JAKE
But I yelled about fire bees!
KASSIE
You did?
JAKE
Yes!
KASSIE
Oh. I didn't notice.
JAKE
My point exactly! You're not human!
KASSIE
But we just established-
JAKE
C'thulhu beast from beyond the stars!
KASSIE
No, just preoccupied.
JAKE
What on Earth are you looking at that you're too preoccupied to not notice fire and bees together?
KASSIE
Porn.
Silence. Jake blinks and stares at her.
JAKE
(shocked)
What?!
KASSIE
You heard me: porn.
JAKE
Is this your Brokeback Mountain thinger again?
KASSIE
One: Brokeback Mountain isn't porn. Two: no.
JAKE
Then, what-
KASSIE
Come take a look.
Jake shrugs and obliges: he stands up again and walks behind her, staring down at her laptop.
JAKE
Oh my God! Is that...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
Doing...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
With a...
KASSIE
Yep.
JAKE
Well. Good morning, lesbians!
KASSIE
Good morning, Jake.
LIGHTS FADE.
Wonky format is excused by, "Well, Ian made us write our plays in screenplay format. ...Yeah. We know. ...YOU try arguing with him, THEN talk to us about it."
By the way: I LOVE JOE VINCIGUERRA.
In the most adoring, yet still legal, platonic, and not shady way possible.
And I'm confused by the fact that, despite any vaguely crush-ish feelings at RA Jake, I still talk to him easier than most people. Usually, I get stupid and can't talk in this situation. He's just cool like that.
Edit, 1:25 AM: Want One is seriously the best, "do your goddamn work already" album ever.