I have heard the Angels...
We all have a moment in our days, or weeks, that we realize just how much we hate ourselves...We sit back and judge ourselves on the things we've done, or haven't done. We hold the past over our heads and persecute our own soul for sins that seemed like a good idea at the time. I do this on a daily basis. I have things I've done that keep me up at night wondering what would have happened if only I'd said or done one little thing different...
This is no way to live though, we can't be the executioner of ourselves...Or can we?
Faith, is a tricky thing...how we get it we don't know, and what to do with it is a mystery too. But some of us have faith to the point of blindness. I am one of those people. I have faith and I don't know, nor do I care why, all I know is that I have it and I don't know what I'd do without it.
I realize I haven't updated in far too long, mostly because I don't know what to say anymore. I could sit here and go over all the things that run through my head, but its the same shit over and over again, and even I get sick of it.
I had a job interview last week, and I nailed it...though the job pays less than what I make babysitting twice a week, and though it's only a part time job, you'd think that loading tractor trailers would pay more than $100 a week. So I'm looking for something better at the moment...Though they did just call telling me I need to go to the Social Security office and get a letter saying I'm me... o.O
Aside from that, I went to see Combichrist on Friday and it was one great fucking show. I blew off a lot of steam, ruined my voice, and my whole body still aches from dancing and what not...Also, next week I'm heading down to Florida for a week or so, provided Pop says its ok, which he will. But I have to babysit all week just to get some funds for said trip. It will be good to be down there for a bit, get my mind off of the shit that has been plaguing it lately...hopefully find some Zen, and maybe get some more writing done.
I have a few more stories pumping through my veins, I just don't know how to get them out. I used to be pretty good with sitting down and hammering out a few pages when the mood struck me, now I find it hard to concentrate...I have no idea where to begin with my thoughts...And the few times I do start to write, nothing ever really comes out. I miss being able to write, to create, to destroy...It used to make me feel so much better to sit back and just get lost in the world I had created, to know where the story was going, or to not know and find out as I wrote...Much like how my entries used to be, I'd sit in front of a blank canvas, and just create something...Its so hard to do that now.
I'm not happy, in fact, I'm back to where I was when last we met...let down, wishing for things that I should just get over. Loving people I should forget...
I'm just not wired that way.
This is no way to live though, we can't be the executioner of ourselves...Or can we?
Faith, is a tricky thing...how we get it we don't know, and what to do with it is a mystery too. But some of us have faith to the point of blindness. I am one of those people. I have faith and I don't know, nor do I care why, all I know is that I have it and I don't know what I'd do without it.
I realize I haven't updated in far too long, mostly because I don't know what to say anymore. I could sit here and go over all the things that run through my head, but its the same shit over and over again, and even I get sick of it.
I had a job interview last week, and I nailed it...though the job pays less than what I make babysitting twice a week, and though it's only a part time job, you'd think that loading tractor trailers would pay more than $100 a week. So I'm looking for something better at the moment...Though they did just call telling me I need to go to the Social Security office and get a letter saying I'm me... o.O
Aside from that, I went to see Combichrist on Friday and it was one great fucking show. I blew off a lot of steam, ruined my voice, and my whole body still aches from dancing and what not...Also, next week I'm heading down to Florida for a week or so, provided Pop says its ok, which he will. But I have to babysit all week just to get some funds for said trip. It will be good to be down there for a bit, get my mind off of the shit that has been plaguing it lately...hopefully find some Zen, and maybe get some more writing done.
I have a few more stories pumping through my veins, I just don't know how to get them out. I used to be pretty good with sitting down and hammering out a few pages when the mood struck me, now I find it hard to concentrate...I have no idea where to begin with my thoughts...And the few times I do start to write, nothing ever really comes out. I miss being able to write, to create, to destroy...It used to make me feel so much better to sit back and just get lost in the world I had created, to know where the story was going, or to not know and find out as I wrote...Much like how my entries used to be, I'd sit in front of a blank canvas, and just create something...Its so hard to do that now.
I'm not happy, in fact, I'm back to where I was when last we met...let down, wishing for things that I should just get over. Loving people I should forget...
I'm just not wired that way.