(no subject)
So, I finally broke down on the phone last night. Why? who knows. all i could think about was one thing. I was talking to Talon, just like we always do, and its been bugging me that hes always leaving. i dont know why, but he wanted to go to bed, and I told him to, but i was crying. WHY? god. and he couldnt leave me crying and then I broke down. all I can think about. What am I going to do? Im scared. I am scared of this thing with Talon. I know that he cares about me, and I know that he says that he loves me, and I know that I care about him too, but ah. I dont know. Right now, my life is a mess. When I was dating Erik, i had everything planned. You know? i was gonna move up to New York, get an apartment and a job, finish school, wait for Him to get back from afganistan,marry him and move to Colorado where I could get my teaching degree, have kids and live happily ever after. I guess every girl has their fantasies eventually right? and now heres this guy, that i dont know what to expect from, hes not my type. hes not really going anywhere, so far. Im scared of getting hurt again or falling in love again. i am afraid that Ill move down there for that year or two and start college and then hell break up with me and Ill have no where to go, and Ill come here and my grandma will have died or somthing. what the hell would I do? I mean.. I am honestly thinking about the army, but Talon doesnt want me to go, but i figured that If we spent enought time together that wed have a strong enought bond that he could stand to live without me for 3 months, and then 6 months before I got back. you know? its like, i had everything figured out, i had that 5000 peice puzzle all put together and then someone took it apart and threw it across the room. I balled last night. for no reason except for this, probably more than that, but its all that I'm sure of. im so confused.
and I realize i really dont have anyone to go to. I mean, i told talon, but the whole Erik thing, hes asked me things like, 'have you been spending time with anyone lately?' Or, "are you still joining the army cus i wanna know if your gonna be here when I get back from afganistan" what the hell are they supposed to mean? you know, i cant talk to erik about this or Talon, or dan cus hes still in love with me or Davis cus, hes Davis. I mean, and I really have no one else to talk to cus i lost most of the people I felt that I could talk to last year. I mean, I had Liz and Ezra hate me last year for no reason. all I remember was that I tried to Help him as well as a person that hardly knew him could. I mean, i knew that she never really liked me. no one really does cus i guess not alot of people can get past the initial me, i mean, the annoying obnoxious Rikki that i cant get rid of, even though thats not who I am. I keep trying to figure out why people who actually know me dont like me, and people that barely do (know me) like me more, i guess because they dont see the fake obnoxious me. Oh well i give up on that. i know that not alot of people really like me and that alot pretend, but i can deal with that.
Im kinda excited about the army. it will give me something to do, and to help me find myself a little more. i guess itll break me down till all you can see is me, i mean i have been so many rikkis, i mean by living in so many different situations,. Im excited, even though Im not too excited about the work.
So my aunts funeral/memorial wasnt too bad. It was sad. But my cousin Sydney lightened up the mood when she was running back and forth between the family before running to her mom and saying "mommy, i have to go potty" right in the middle of the service. At the house though, it was nice. I got to see Rhian and Margaret for the first time in years and I got to See Tyler for the first time in 6 years. shes so big. I also found out that margaret actually wanted to adopt me when i was little. I also got to talk to like family I didnt know existed and got to meet 4/5 of my uncle allens brothers, that was fun, they all look alike. but, it was fun, for the most part...
And, happiness, i got another kitty. lol. yeah like I really need one, but my cousin scott had a kitten at his house the tyler his daughter had names smokey, but they said either the cat had to go , or he did, so my aunt brought it over , and i kept its name and call it mokey. Talon namer her Smokey McPot. of course... lol. but yeah.
okay. so Im okay. Im sorry for this.
Oh... and does anyone by chance wanna come over... hang out... and help me paint my room? I cant do it by myself.... and I have a whole 3 bucks to my name and Id surely give it to you... if you want it.. my grandma says I either need to get it done, or im gonna be stuck with a half primer and half gaudy pink room. ... so .. please.. anyone..I'm begging.. I really want to be able to sleep in my room again... if you dont know my number its 786 3363........ ooh... ok? PLEEEEAAZZZEE....
thanks..
maybe.
"I hate people that remind me of myself"
"I am afraid that no one will love me... as much as my cat"
"I thought I loved him"
"I hate feeling alone"
- I am weak -
and I realize i really dont have anyone to go to. I mean, i told talon, but the whole Erik thing, hes asked me things like, 'have you been spending time with anyone lately?' Or, "are you still joining the army cus i wanna know if your gonna be here when I get back from afganistan" what the hell are they supposed to mean? you know, i cant talk to erik about this or Talon, or dan cus hes still in love with me or Davis cus, hes Davis. I mean, and I really have no one else to talk to cus i lost most of the people I felt that I could talk to last year. I mean, I had Liz and Ezra hate me last year for no reason. all I remember was that I tried to Help him as well as a person that hardly knew him could. I mean, i knew that she never really liked me. no one really does cus i guess not alot of people can get past the initial me, i mean, the annoying obnoxious Rikki that i cant get rid of, even though thats not who I am. I keep trying to figure out why people who actually know me dont like me, and people that barely do (know me) like me more, i guess because they dont see the fake obnoxious me. Oh well i give up on that. i know that not alot of people really like me and that alot pretend, but i can deal with that.
Im kinda excited about the army. it will give me something to do, and to help me find myself a little more. i guess itll break me down till all you can see is me, i mean i have been so many rikkis, i mean by living in so many different situations,. Im excited, even though Im not too excited about the work.
So my aunts funeral/memorial wasnt too bad. It was sad. But my cousin Sydney lightened up the mood when she was running back and forth between the family before running to her mom and saying "mommy, i have to go potty" right in the middle of the service. At the house though, it was nice. I got to see Rhian and Margaret for the first time in years and I got to See Tyler for the first time in 6 years. shes so big. I also found out that margaret actually wanted to adopt me when i was little. I also got to talk to like family I didnt know existed and got to meet 4/5 of my uncle allens brothers, that was fun, they all look alike. but, it was fun, for the most part...
And, happiness, i got another kitty. lol. yeah like I really need one, but my cousin scott had a kitten at his house the tyler his daughter had names smokey, but they said either the cat had to go , or he did, so my aunt brought it over , and i kept its name and call it mokey. Talon namer her Smokey McPot. of course... lol. but yeah.
okay. so Im okay. Im sorry for this.
Oh... and does anyone by chance wanna come over... hang out... and help me paint my room? I cant do it by myself.... and I have a whole 3 bucks to my name and Id surely give it to you... if you want it.. my grandma says I either need to get it done, or im gonna be stuck with a half primer and half gaudy pink room. ... so .. please.. anyone..I'm begging.. I really want to be able to sleep in my room again... if you dont know my number its 786 3363........ ooh... ok? PLEEEEAAZZZEE....
thanks..
maybe.
"I hate people that remind me of myself"
"I am afraid that no one will love me... as much as my cat"
"I thought I loved him"
"I hate feeling alone"
- I am weak -