Crack!Fic....
um.... this came out in a moment of insanity. For
jadefire88 who has been... persistently after me about the next part, and
oddmonster who has never seen the Angel episode "Smile Time," and so didn't get my random crazy reference to it last week. Those things somehow combined in my head and this was the result.
Back to the regularly scheduled program this weekend, I hope.
Staring at the Sun
Part 18.75: Vice!Crack
"I've had it," Sonny growled. Rico turned away from the door he'd been pounding on uselessly for what felt like forever, worried that his partner had finally lost his mind from the pain and tension of their captivity. "This is ridiculous. We've been stuck in this room for months, and nothing happens!"
"Months?" Rico squinted. "Sonny, I know I've lost track of time down here, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been-"
"Months." Sonny lifted his head, peering around the room suspiciously. "A year, even. Yep, I think it's been a year. And we're still stuck down here on our asses when we could be chasing down some bad guys. Or getting laid."
Rico gaped. Then he shook his head and started pounding on the door harder. Clearly the pain had fried Sonny's brain.
"Sonny?"
"She says she loves the car so damn much, but she never lets me drive the thing," Sonny mumbled under his breath as he struggled to his feet.
"Sonny - your leg!"
Rico watched as Sonny shook out the formerly injured leg with a grimace. "Talk about giving me a cramp. I'm outta here."
"But - but they tortured you. And besides, we're locked in-"
"Not for long, pal."
Just then the door swung open, forcing Rico to backpedal out of the way. Dale Menton stood there glowering at them. He was wearing a loose black silk robe. "The higher-muckity-mucks are making me let you go. Said they'd run out of things to do to make you more uncomfortable. Said all your whining was annoying them." Menton pouted, his lower lip stuck out like a five year old. "Just when it was getting fun."
Rico stared at their captor, felt his eyes bugging out of his head. "Told ya," Sonny called over his shoulder as he pressed past Menton's flabby belly. "Geez, man, get some clothes." Which, coming from the buck naked, dirty, formerly bruised man Rico had thought was his partner, was just about enough to send him over the edge.
"No! Wait - Sonny! Dammit." Rico turned to find Menton tying his silk robe with a silk belt. "This is all your fault."
"My fault? How is this my fault?" Menton muttered, "I did everything I was told to do, and he thinks it's my fault. Bozo."
Sonny was halfway down the hall, apparently heedless of his undressed state. Then he whirled and stalked back toward the cell before Rico could squeeze past Menton. "Hey buddy," Sonny barked, getting right in Menton's face, jamming a finger into his doughy bare chest. "Where'd you leave our clothes?" Not so heedless, then.
Menton shot him a smug smile. "Donated em to a good cause."
Sonny's fist went back. "By now that jacket's worth 800 mil on the street." Menton just grinned. Sonny lowered the fist and gave Menton a considering look.
"Gimme that robe, pal."
"Or what? You gonna call your little admirer down on me? I think she likes me better than you anyways."
Sonny harumphed. He actually harumphed. Rico put his hands over his eyes. "Not likely. Does she proclaim you sexy once per episode? Hmm? I didn't think so. Besides, you were only in one episode to begin with. Dunno why she felt you compelling enough to resurrect anyways."
Menton stripped off the robe and handed it to Sonny, who donned it like a man born to wear other men's sweaty silk robes. "Here, whaddo I care. She'll give me something better than that."
"She? Who the hell are you guys talking about?"
Menton and Sonny exchanged a knowing glance.
"He's a little slow," Sonny shrugged.
"Don't look at me," Menton whined, "He's your partner."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
Sonny grabbed Rico's arm. "Comeon, there's no time. I'll fill ya in later."
Down the hall ahead of them there came a deafening ruckus. The next instant a body flew into the passageway, bounced off the wall, and crumpled to their feet. Rico recognized Baldy, but just barely, as his face was a mess of blood. Before they could react, M-16 followed suit. He bounced off the far wall, hit the opposite wall and lay there, blinking, his eyes crossed.
"What the hell?" Rico managed, wrinkling his nose in disgust as Baldy spat up a wad of bloody phlegm.
"Oh, that's just Marty." Sonny stepped over Baldy and continued down the hall. He gave M-16 a kick as he passed.
"Castillo? Castillo's here?"
"It's about time. Thought he'd be here two months ago."
Another body - this time Rico recognized the doctor - flew past to land on the heap as Rico and Sonny reached a set of stairs leading upwards. Framed in the stairwell, backlit with neon blue and pink light, was... something.
"That's not Castillo," Rico protested. Sonny just rolled his eyes.
"Sure it is. Comeon."
Rico lingered at the bottom of the staircase as his partner ran upwards, black silk robe flapping behind him. The figure at the top of the stairs was holding an outstretched sword - one of those Japanese ninja things. Katana, his weary, muddled brain supplied helpfully.
Thing was, the katana was longer than the figure was tall. And the hand holding the carved ivory hilt looked... fuzzy. And three-fingered.
"Sonny!" he shouted. Sonny ignored him and ran past the sword-wielding midget at the top of the stairs.
"You wanna stay down there, go ahead," Sonny called over his shoulder, "But me, I'm outta here. I think I see Gina."
Filled with nameless trepidation, Rico climbed the stairs. As he drew closer, the mysterious figure grew clearer. Three steps from the top, Rico froze in his tracks and stared. "Lieutenant?"
"Detective."
"Lieutenant... lieutenant, what happened?"
The thing that looked remarkably like Castillo stared up at Rico. Gave him one of those flat, inscrutable looks. "There was this... giant egg."
"Uhh... right." Rico shook his head, like that would make Castillo revert to normal. The lieutentant - and it was Castillo - was now barely two feet tall. And appeared to be... made of felt. His features were replicated perfectly from the full size version, down to his black mustache and the line between his eyebrows that told you he wasn't gonna take your shit.
"Lieutenant..."Rico couldn't just leave it. "You're...."
Mini Castillo hefted the sword. Rico gulped, but the words spilled out anyways. "A Muppet."
"No," Castillo growled, in his normal voice, "Muppets are under copyright. You should know that, detective."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay." Rico skirted the puppet who looked exactly like his boss, only smaller. "Whatever man."
He only glanced back once, as he ran for the door, where outside he could just see the familiar flashing of blue and white and red lights.
The... puppet... stood there, one hand on his tiny little hip, the other still holding the sword extended, now over his head.
"I really need a vacation," Ricardo Tubbs muttered, as the safety of the police cars beckoned.
jadefire88 who has been... persistently after me about the next part, and
oddmonster who has never seen the Angel episode "Smile Time," and so didn't get my random crazy reference to it last week. Those things somehow combined in my head and this was the result.
Back to the regularly scheduled program this weekend, I hope.
Staring at the Sun
Part 18.75: Vice!Crack
"I've had it," Sonny growled. Rico turned away from the door he'd been pounding on uselessly for what felt like forever, worried that his partner had finally lost his mind from the pain and tension of their captivity. "This is ridiculous. We've been stuck in this room for months, and nothing happens!"
"Months?" Rico squinted. "Sonny, I know I've lost track of time down here, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been-"
"Months." Sonny lifted his head, peering around the room suspiciously. "A year, even. Yep, I think it's been a year. And we're still stuck down here on our asses when we could be chasing down some bad guys. Or getting laid."
Rico gaped. Then he shook his head and started pounding on the door harder. Clearly the pain had fried Sonny's brain.
"Sonny?"
"She says she loves the car so damn much, but she never lets me drive the thing," Sonny mumbled under his breath as he struggled to his feet.
"Sonny - your leg!"
Rico watched as Sonny shook out the formerly injured leg with a grimace. "Talk about giving me a cramp. I'm outta here."
"But - but they tortured you. And besides, we're locked in-"
"Not for long, pal."
Just then the door swung open, forcing Rico to backpedal out of the way. Dale Menton stood there glowering at them. He was wearing a loose black silk robe. "The higher-muckity-mucks are making me let you go. Said they'd run out of things to do to make you more uncomfortable. Said all your whining was annoying them." Menton pouted, his lower lip stuck out like a five year old. "Just when it was getting fun."
Rico stared at their captor, felt his eyes bugging out of his head. "Told ya," Sonny called over his shoulder as he pressed past Menton's flabby belly. "Geez, man, get some clothes." Which, coming from the buck naked, dirty, formerly bruised man Rico had thought was his partner, was just about enough to send him over the edge.
"No! Wait - Sonny! Dammit." Rico turned to find Menton tying his silk robe with a silk belt. "This is all your fault."
"My fault? How is this my fault?" Menton muttered, "I did everything I was told to do, and he thinks it's my fault. Bozo."
Sonny was halfway down the hall, apparently heedless of his undressed state. Then he whirled and stalked back toward the cell before Rico could squeeze past Menton. "Hey buddy," Sonny barked, getting right in Menton's face, jamming a finger into his doughy bare chest. "Where'd you leave our clothes?" Not so heedless, then.
Menton shot him a smug smile. "Donated em to a good cause."
Sonny's fist went back. "By now that jacket's worth 800 mil on the street." Menton just grinned. Sonny lowered the fist and gave Menton a considering look.
"Gimme that robe, pal."
"Or what? You gonna call your little admirer down on me? I think she likes me better than you anyways."
Sonny harumphed. He actually harumphed. Rico put his hands over his eyes. "Not likely. Does she proclaim you sexy once per episode? Hmm? I didn't think so. Besides, you were only in one episode to begin with. Dunno why she felt you compelling enough to resurrect anyways."
Menton stripped off the robe and handed it to Sonny, who donned it like a man born to wear other men's sweaty silk robes. "Here, whaddo I care. She'll give me something better than that."
"She? Who the hell are you guys talking about?"
Menton and Sonny exchanged a knowing glance.
"He's a little slow," Sonny shrugged.
"Don't look at me," Menton whined, "He's your partner."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
Sonny grabbed Rico's arm. "Comeon, there's no time. I'll fill ya in later."
Down the hall ahead of them there came a deafening ruckus. The next instant a body flew into the passageway, bounced off the wall, and crumpled to their feet. Rico recognized Baldy, but just barely, as his face was a mess of blood. Before they could react, M-16 followed suit. He bounced off the far wall, hit the opposite wall and lay there, blinking, his eyes crossed.
"What the hell?" Rico managed, wrinkling his nose in disgust as Baldy spat up a wad of bloody phlegm.
"Oh, that's just Marty." Sonny stepped over Baldy and continued down the hall. He gave M-16 a kick as he passed.
"Castillo? Castillo's here?"
"It's about time. Thought he'd be here two months ago."
Another body - this time Rico recognized the doctor - flew past to land on the heap as Rico and Sonny reached a set of stairs leading upwards. Framed in the stairwell, backlit with neon blue and pink light, was... something.
"That's not Castillo," Rico protested. Sonny just rolled his eyes.
"Sure it is. Comeon."
Rico lingered at the bottom of the staircase as his partner ran upwards, black silk robe flapping behind him. The figure at the top of the stairs was holding an outstretched sword - one of those Japanese ninja things. Katana, his weary, muddled brain supplied helpfully.
Thing was, the katana was longer than the figure was tall. And the hand holding the carved ivory hilt looked... fuzzy. And three-fingered.
"Sonny!" he shouted. Sonny ignored him and ran past the sword-wielding midget at the top of the stairs.
"You wanna stay down there, go ahead," Sonny called over his shoulder, "But me, I'm outta here. I think I see Gina."
Filled with nameless trepidation, Rico climbed the stairs. As he drew closer, the mysterious figure grew clearer. Three steps from the top, Rico froze in his tracks and stared. "Lieutenant?"
"Detective."
"Lieutenant... lieutenant, what happened?"
The thing that looked remarkably like Castillo stared up at Rico. Gave him one of those flat, inscrutable looks. "There was this... giant egg."
"Uhh... right." Rico shook his head, like that would make Castillo revert to normal. The lieutentant - and it was Castillo - was now barely two feet tall. And appeared to be... made of felt. His features were replicated perfectly from the full size version, down to his black mustache and the line between his eyebrows that told you he wasn't gonna take your shit.
"Lieutenant..."Rico couldn't just leave it. "You're...."
Mini Castillo hefted the sword. Rico gulped, but the words spilled out anyways. "A Muppet."
"No," Castillo growled, in his normal voice, "Muppets are under copyright. You should know that, detective."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay." Rico skirted the puppet who looked exactly like his boss, only smaller. "Whatever man."
He only glanced back once, as he ran for the door, where outside he could just see the familiar flashing of blue and white and red lights.
The... puppet... stood there, one hand on his tiny little hip, the other still holding the sword extended, now over his head.
"I really need a vacation," Ricardo Tubbs muttered, as the safety of the police cars beckoned.