Why am I here?
To be totally honest. It's because I think I'm depressed.
This tends to happen every time I move. Happened freshman year of college and it's kind of sort of happening again.
I've been combating it. A lot. I've been running. Trying not to get lazy. All kinds of things.
A major source of baddness (I know it's not a word) is the fact that I spend too much time with my old friends on the phone, on facebook, on some stupidass portal. It wouldn't be considered too much if it was only 1 or 2 people. However, at this point, it's way too much. It's too many people)
It's not just that though.
I also have a lot of friends for it only being my first semester here at Tech. so I really can't complain. If it wasn't for this, I think I'd be in reall trouble.
My living situation however is on the edge. It's good and bad.
My other really shitty condition, or what was a shitty condition, that SHOULD be getting better is the fact that I came here. New department was getting iffy grades. & I DID NOT have a research mentor, I was NOT doing research.
I still don't have one but I'm working on it. I think I found someone and hopefully he'll take me in. Knock on wood. By next semester.
I already took the Preliminary Exam. Devoted multiple weeks to learning material Electrical Engineerging, when I was a chemical engineer for undergrad. Shit's been crazy. I thought I failed after the exam. I'm literally praying that I can. If I don't pass I don't get to move forward until I do. I can retake the exam next semester.
So the issue now. I'm so OVERWHELMED with shit to do. I put myself in this situation. HOWEVERRRRR, this is good. I need pressure.
I haven't felt the old Sean Flame. Where he sits down and kicks the shitttt out of his work. Where his brain ignites and things connect and they flow onto paper. Nope haven't done that in too long. Have I been pretty good? At times. A lot of times. Especially when I was like I NEED TO GET AN A. SONOFABITCH GET OUT THE WAYYYY. But that barely lasts.
Clearly I need more pressure....Or something. Orrr better yet a REALITY CHECK. A big old SMACK in the face.
There have been TOO many situations where I am flat out LAZYYYY. Like I tell myself I don't care, so I do nothing about my situation. This = NOT HEALTHY. This is my depression. Maybe it's mild depression, but let me tell you it's not normal me.
Moving forward...
I'm trying. HAH. I can do more. I've got to do more.
I'll get this shit. I have to. I want things in life. I have to remind myself of that. OF things that I wanted. I have to remember what they were so I can keep chasing them. Not get bogged down by intermediate steps or people that aren't here to help me.
Actually that's a big + for me. Something I've been doing well:
Disregarding every mother F'er that tries to put me down. Smiling at them. Using them for what I can get out of them and not expanding an ounce more of Energy on them, only on the things that need to be accounted for, worked on, and so on.
O one other thing. I find motivation. I also release motivation way too fucking easily. I just let it spew out of me like gas. It's abysmal.
PEACE i have shit due at 4:30. O look how I've put it off again.
Fuckk it.
Take no survivors.
Also in my depression I tend to dream up my old romanticism.
so I posted this the other day:
"Someone kiss me with Burt's bees without me knowing. I promise gratitude. I want to see if it feels like high school."
To me it meant something. Oops. Must have sounded real gay on facebook. WOoops. such is life of a depressed loon.
-The social engineer.
This tends to happen every time I move. Happened freshman year of college and it's kind of sort of happening again.
I've been combating it. A lot. I've been running. Trying not to get lazy. All kinds of things.
A major source of baddness (I know it's not a word) is the fact that I spend too much time with my old friends on the phone, on facebook, on some stupidass portal. It wouldn't be considered too much if it was only 1 or 2 people. However, at this point, it's way too much. It's too many people)
It's not just that though.
I also have a lot of friends for it only being my first semester here at Tech. so I really can't complain. If it wasn't for this, I think I'd be in reall trouble.
My living situation however is on the edge. It's good and bad.
My other really shitty condition, or what was a shitty condition, that SHOULD be getting better is the fact that I came here. New department was getting iffy grades. & I DID NOT have a research mentor, I was NOT doing research.
I still don't have one but I'm working on it. I think I found someone and hopefully he'll take me in. Knock on wood. By next semester.
I already took the Preliminary Exam. Devoted multiple weeks to learning material Electrical Engineerging, when I was a chemical engineer for undergrad. Shit's been crazy. I thought I failed after the exam. I'm literally praying that I can. If I don't pass I don't get to move forward until I do. I can retake the exam next semester.
So the issue now. I'm so OVERWHELMED with shit to do. I put myself in this situation. HOWEVERRRRR, this is good. I need pressure.
I haven't felt the old Sean Flame. Where he sits down and kicks the shitttt out of his work. Where his brain ignites and things connect and they flow onto paper. Nope haven't done that in too long. Have I been pretty good? At times. A lot of times. Especially when I was like I NEED TO GET AN A. SONOFABITCH GET OUT THE WAYYYY. But that barely lasts.
Clearly I need more pressure....Or something. Orrr better yet a REALITY CHECK. A big old SMACK in the face.
There have been TOO many situations where I am flat out LAZYYYY. Like I tell myself I don't care, so I do nothing about my situation. This = NOT HEALTHY. This is my depression. Maybe it's mild depression, but let me tell you it's not normal me.
Moving forward...
I'm trying. HAH. I can do more. I've got to do more.
I'll get this shit. I have to. I want things in life. I have to remind myself of that. OF things that I wanted. I have to remember what they were so I can keep chasing them. Not get bogged down by intermediate steps or people that aren't here to help me.
Actually that's a big + for me. Something I've been doing well:
Disregarding every mother F'er that tries to put me down. Smiling at them. Using them for what I can get out of them and not expanding an ounce more of Energy on them, only on the things that need to be accounted for, worked on, and so on.
O one other thing. I find motivation. I also release motivation way too fucking easily. I just let it spew out of me like gas. It's abysmal.
PEACE i have shit due at 4:30. O look how I've put it off again.
Fuckk it.
Take no survivors.
Also in my depression I tend to dream up my old romanticism.
so I posted this the other day:
"Someone kiss me with Burt's bees without me knowing. I promise gratitude. I want to see if it feels like high school."
To me it meant something. Oops. Must have sounded real gay on facebook. WOoops. such is life of a depressed loon.
-The social engineer.