(no subject)

[amongfaces]

Right now i am sitting in my room wondering how those who meant so much to me in my life end up disapearing never to be heard from again. I want to write danny, which i am more than capable of doing...but I dont know how to say what i want to say without being to romantic...I mbegining to think if i said how much i missed, it become overly apparent how the only think in common we probably reall yhave is the love of the beach...it both holds something very tragic for the both of us, but stil lwe are drawn to it in the same way i am drawn to him and he, to the memory of his father. I have made my self quite numb to the memory of shane and all those intolerable feelings, but still i wonder where my futer leads me...I have college applications to work on scholarships...financial aid and all that... I dont really have time to think about love, said to say comming from a romantist such as me, but here i am typing away in this useless journal idleing away expecting...wishing everything would fall in my lap... wishing it would, because deep down inside i feel i deserve it...why wait for heaven to be rewarded now. But know unfortunatly existentialism hits it mark and i know the only way to escape from this hell is to stand up on my own and work for it. Stil lsomething yearns and scatches withing me dieing to get out and i am afraid of it, a certain control issue which i can only handle with someone holding my hand through the proceudre...I dont expect to be god or godlike, I need someone...it is the expectancy and the wait that kills.
maybe will forgive the neglect i have givin him in the last two days...but it is still a bad situation none the less, i ,knew it to begin with but it was something more cumposlive than i could handle. "well just see what happens" i guess...i dont like being a fatalist but here i am...nothing i can do about it now.