Top Gun
And now, without warning, I present to you my interpretation of the best movie I have never seen, the one that shaped my high school years in a very special way:
Top Gun was born the only son of an apple farmer in Minnesota. His father, named Danny Boy, was an all-American hero and an ace pilot veteran from the second world war, where he flew with the Angel Wings of Death squadron over Tokyo. Being all-American is why Danny Boy decided to retire to the apple farming business, apples being the most American fruit of all.
From the very beginning Top Gun showed promise as a pilot. From the age of two and a half he was flying his father’s old duster plane, dusting the apple crops with special growth powder. Having been raised on apple pies and dust cropping, it was only natural that Top Gun would answer the call when his country needed him most by joining the United States Air Force. He had no education and no interest in college, which is fine. For an American Hero, the only qualifications required for manning an F-16 are the God-given magical powers he was born with. It was time for Top Gun to live up to his family name: Maverick.
But before he could get his hands on that sweet-ass piece of American aeronautical engineering Top Gun first had to slog his way through boot camp, which wasn’t easy. Being an American rebel meant that Top Gun didn’t always follow orders when his manly instincts told him to infiltrate behind enemy lines or sneak into the WAC tents. He was a loose cannon. A wild dog. Too wild to be tamed. For God’s sake, he was a Maverick, after all. Often his commanding officer, Ice Man, would tell him, “You’re stepping out of line, Maverick. I’m gonna have to put you on Iccce! Because I’m the Iccce Maaannn!”
But Top Gun persisted and proved to be the top of his class. He flew higher and faster than any of his compatriots. Eventually, the time came when the President asked if there were any pilots willing to step up to the rising terrorist threats from Quebec. They needed skill and instincts, but mostly they needed guts, with guts being the quality that won the day for America in every world war and terrorist threat up until that point. With tears in his eyes, Ice Man stepped forward and said, “Mr. President, sir, it would do me an honor if I could nominate my most toughest rival, and my dearest friend, Top Gun Maverick to be the captain of my air-squad. He’s proven to me the strength of the American spirit and the importance of never giving in to adversity, especially when manning fighter planes.”
“You realize, of course, that this mission will be very dangerous. Do you accept this responsibility, Top Gun?” said the president in a grave and gravelly voice. Top Gun’s emotions were hidden behind his tremendous aviator glasses. The only response he made was a smirk, which whipped across his face like an American flag unfurling before a hurricane. Danger? Top Gun understood danger. Danger was the four-horned and ten-legged bull he rode to breakfast every morning.
“Very well. Your target will be this enemy base here,” the president pointed to a spot on the large war map. There were pieces set designate enemy and ally troops and bases. Were Top Gun a philosophical man he might have mused on how the map, which resembled a giant board game, served as a metaphor for life. But Top Gun was not a philosophical man. He was an Ameri-can.
“You have twenty four hours to pack your air-bags and put on your air-boxers. Oh, and say goodbye to anyone you’re leaving behind. This may be the last time you see them.” There was only one person, aside from his father, that Top Gun needed to say goodbye to: Charlie, his off-again, on-again girlfriend. Maverick’s all-American, bad boy lifestyle made him both irresistible and hard to handle. Currently, Maverick and Charlie were hot and heavy, but not as hot and heavy as their meeting on this night. From the force and ferociousness of their lovemaking, Charlie understood that this could be her last time seeing Top Gun. With tears in her eyes, she held Top Gun close and whispered, “I hope our child will be half as strong as his father.”
Top Gun was shocked: he had not known! He holds Charlie close to him one more time before letting go, stepping off into the wild unknown.
The time was morning. Ice man was already at the launch pad when Top Gun arrived. “You’re looking cool, Top Gun. Almost as cool as me,” quipped Ice Man, obviously referring again to his nickname. “Whichever of us bags the most bogeys gets treated to beer by the loser, Top Gun! Think you can handle it?”
Top Gun’s only response is a thumbs-up as the cockpit lid of his F-16 slides into place. Finally inside his beloved F-16, Top Gun feels more at home than in his mother’s womb. His pulse pounds wickedly as the engine cranks into action, and the plasma jets fire up to full power. With a huge blast of steam Top Gun Maverick is in the air, with Ice Man and the rest of the squadron close behind. They are the Hell’s Bastards, and they are ready to kick ass.
Only a few minutes have passed before the enemy base is on the horizon, but Top Gun immediately realizes that the enemy is prepared. The Hell’s Bastards are met with anti-air fire, which Maverick and Ice Man swiftly dodge with nothing more than a scratch. A couple of the greener cadets are hit, however, and Maverick has time to shed only one all-American tear before the enemy squadron swoops down from the clouds, guns a-blazing.
The ensuing dogfight is too intense to accurately describe. At times Maverick’s jet is moving so fast as to become a blur of energy, shifting between the mortal and celestial planes of existence. But the enemy is fierce. Before long both flight squadrons are reduced to only a few planes, and that is when Top Gun notices the plane with the red flaming skull painted on its fuselage. It’s the Death Baron, the man who shot down Maverick’s father, Danny Boy, during the Second World War! Danny Boy was wounded during that crash, and was grounded from thereafter. Would Top Gun now suffer the same fate as his father, or would he avenge the Maverick name?
Top Gun performs a nose dive towards the Death Baron. Ice Man notices what Maverick is up to and follows along, radioing “I’ve got your back, Top Gun. We can take this guy!” Maverick opens fire on the Death Baron, who dodges with a Double Quarter Scoter Flip. But Top Gun is ready. He counters with a Rolling Diamondback Turn, and catches the Death Baron on the wing. Wounded, the Death Baron ducks behind a cloud.
By this point most of the enemy squadron has been wiped clean, with only the Death Baron remaining. Ice Man contacts Top Gun on the radio, “Top Gun, headquarters has ordered us to pull back.” But Top Gun doesn’t heed his call. He’s flown after the Death Baron, headed towards deep into enemy territory.
“Top Gun, do you hear me? Central Command has ordered us not to pursue. I repeat, do not engage.” Top Gun radios back: “Ice man? Tell Charlie that I love her. And tell her to raise our boy right.”
“Dammit, man, don’t go in there! That’s the Danger Zone! No American has ever entered the Danger Zone and lived!” Ice Man protested, but deep inside he understood. An All-American Hero does not back down from his duty, even when it means entering the Danger Zone. Reluctantly, Ice Man reversed direction and followed the rest of the squad towards home base.
Before long, however, Ice Man’s F-16 is rattled by a huge explosion. He looks back to see the largest mushroom cloud ever witnessed by mortal man. “Maverick, no…” Ice Man quivered, and flew back to look for his comrade.
Smashed into the face of a mountainside were the planes of both Top Gun and the Death Baron, each plane shot to pieces by the other. Top Gun’s body was nowhere to be found, but his aviator glasses were discovered lying on the ground several feet from the crash site. Ice Man picked them up, saying, “Top Gun, you crazy bastard. Your son will inherit these glasses, and he’ll always remember the story of how his father saved America.”
Top Gun was pronounced dead the following day. His father and girlfriend were both stricken with grief, and at the funeral even Ice Man’s heart melted when they rolled Maverick’s coffin down the church aisle. The coffin was empty, so no one knew for sure what happened to Top Gun Maverick. But they knew and understood that he was the best American pilot the world had ever seen.
Top Gun was born the only son of an apple farmer in Minnesota. His father, named Danny Boy, was an all-American hero and an ace pilot veteran from the second world war, where he flew with the Angel Wings of Death squadron over Tokyo. Being all-American is why Danny Boy decided to retire to the apple farming business, apples being the most American fruit of all.
From the very beginning Top Gun showed promise as a pilot. From the age of two and a half he was flying his father’s old duster plane, dusting the apple crops with special growth powder. Having been raised on apple pies and dust cropping, it was only natural that Top Gun would answer the call when his country needed him most by joining the United States Air Force. He had no education and no interest in college, which is fine. For an American Hero, the only qualifications required for manning an F-16 are the God-given magical powers he was born with. It was time for Top Gun to live up to his family name: Maverick.
But before he could get his hands on that sweet-ass piece of American aeronautical engineering Top Gun first had to slog his way through boot camp, which wasn’t easy. Being an American rebel meant that Top Gun didn’t always follow orders when his manly instincts told him to infiltrate behind enemy lines or sneak into the WAC tents. He was a loose cannon. A wild dog. Too wild to be tamed. For God’s sake, he was a Maverick, after all. Often his commanding officer, Ice Man, would tell him, “You’re stepping out of line, Maverick. I’m gonna have to put you on Iccce! Because I’m the Iccce Maaannn!”
But Top Gun persisted and proved to be the top of his class. He flew higher and faster than any of his compatriots. Eventually, the time came when the President asked if there were any pilots willing to step up to the rising terrorist threats from Quebec. They needed skill and instincts, but mostly they needed guts, with guts being the quality that won the day for America in every world war and terrorist threat up until that point. With tears in his eyes, Ice Man stepped forward and said, “Mr. President, sir, it would do me an honor if I could nominate my most toughest rival, and my dearest friend, Top Gun Maverick to be the captain of my air-squad. He’s proven to me the strength of the American spirit and the importance of never giving in to adversity, especially when manning fighter planes.”
“You realize, of course, that this mission will be very dangerous. Do you accept this responsibility, Top Gun?” said the president in a grave and gravelly voice. Top Gun’s emotions were hidden behind his tremendous aviator glasses. The only response he made was a smirk, which whipped across his face like an American flag unfurling before a hurricane. Danger? Top Gun understood danger. Danger was the four-horned and ten-legged bull he rode to breakfast every morning.
“Very well. Your target will be this enemy base here,” the president pointed to a spot on the large war map. There were pieces set designate enemy and ally troops and bases. Were Top Gun a philosophical man he might have mused on how the map, which resembled a giant board game, served as a metaphor for life. But Top Gun was not a philosophical man. He was an Ameri-can.
“You have twenty four hours to pack your air-bags and put on your air-boxers. Oh, and say goodbye to anyone you’re leaving behind. This may be the last time you see them.” There was only one person, aside from his father, that Top Gun needed to say goodbye to: Charlie, his off-again, on-again girlfriend. Maverick’s all-American, bad boy lifestyle made him both irresistible and hard to handle. Currently, Maverick and Charlie were hot and heavy, but not as hot and heavy as their meeting on this night. From the force and ferociousness of their lovemaking, Charlie understood that this could be her last time seeing Top Gun. With tears in her eyes, she held Top Gun close and whispered, “I hope our child will be half as strong as his father.”
Top Gun was shocked: he had not known! He holds Charlie close to him one more time before letting go, stepping off into the wild unknown.
The time was morning. Ice man was already at the launch pad when Top Gun arrived. “You’re looking cool, Top Gun. Almost as cool as me,” quipped Ice Man, obviously referring again to his nickname. “Whichever of us bags the most bogeys gets treated to beer by the loser, Top Gun! Think you can handle it?”
Top Gun’s only response is a thumbs-up as the cockpit lid of his F-16 slides into place. Finally inside his beloved F-16, Top Gun feels more at home than in his mother’s womb. His pulse pounds wickedly as the engine cranks into action, and the plasma jets fire up to full power. With a huge blast of steam Top Gun Maverick is in the air, with Ice Man and the rest of the squadron close behind. They are the Hell’s Bastards, and they are ready to kick ass.
Only a few minutes have passed before the enemy base is on the horizon, but Top Gun immediately realizes that the enemy is prepared. The Hell’s Bastards are met with anti-air fire, which Maverick and Ice Man swiftly dodge with nothing more than a scratch. A couple of the greener cadets are hit, however, and Maverick has time to shed only one all-American tear before the enemy squadron swoops down from the clouds, guns a-blazing.
The ensuing dogfight is too intense to accurately describe. At times Maverick’s jet is moving so fast as to become a blur of energy, shifting between the mortal and celestial planes of existence. But the enemy is fierce. Before long both flight squadrons are reduced to only a few planes, and that is when Top Gun notices the plane with the red flaming skull painted on its fuselage. It’s the Death Baron, the man who shot down Maverick’s father, Danny Boy, during the Second World War! Danny Boy was wounded during that crash, and was grounded from thereafter. Would Top Gun now suffer the same fate as his father, or would he avenge the Maverick name?
Top Gun performs a nose dive towards the Death Baron. Ice Man notices what Maverick is up to and follows along, radioing “I’ve got your back, Top Gun. We can take this guy!” Maverick opens fire on the Death Baron, who dodges with a Double Quarter Scoter Flip. But Top Gun is ready. He counters with a Rolling Diamondback Turn, and catches the Death Baron on the wing. Wounded, the Death Baron ducks behind a cloud.
By this point most of the enemy squadron has been wiped clean, with only the Death Baron remaining. Ice Man contacts Top Gun on the radio, “Top Gun, headquarters has ordered us to pull back.” But Top Gun doesn’t heed his call. He’s flown after the Death Baron, headed towards deep into enemy territory.
“Top Gun, do you hear me? Central Command has ordered us not to pursue. I repeat, do not engage.” Top Gun radios back: “Ice man? Tell Charlie that I love her. And tell her to raise our boy right.”
“Dammit, man, don’t go in there! That’s the Danger Zone! No American has ever entered the Danger Zone and lived!” Ice Man protested, but deep inside he understood. An All-American Hero does not back down from his duty, even when it means entering the Danger Zone. Reluctantly, Ice Man reversed direction and followed the rest of the squad towards home base.
Before long, however, Ice Man’s F-16 is rattled by a huge explosion. He looks back to see the largest mushroom cloud ever witnessed by mortal man. “Maverick, no…” Ice Man quivered, and flew back to look for his comrade.
Smashed into the face of a mountainside were the planes of both Top Gun and the Death Baron, each plane shot to pieces by the other. Top Gun’s body was nowhere to be found, but his aviator glasses were discovered lying on the ground several feet from the crash site. Ice Man picked them up, saying, “Top Gun, you crazy bastard. Your son will inherit these glasses, and he’ll always remember the story of how his father saved America.”
Top Gun was pronounced dead the following day. His father and girlfriend were both stricken with grief, and at the funeral even Ice Man’s heart melted when they rolled Maverick’s coffin down the church aisle. The coffin was empty, so no one knew for sure what happened to Top Gun Maverick. But they knew and understood that he was the best American pilot the world had ever seen.