argh.
So. Boy is cute. Me like boy. Boy is leaving. Me is bummed.
It all boils down to the fact that one part of me wants to understand and embrace the transient nature of relationships, to enjoy the moments I have instead of worrying about tomorrow. BUT I have been experiencing emotions, feelings, companionship, and the other part of me doesn't want to give that up. Granted being poly means in theory I can totally find that in someone else... Yeah. Sure. It's not that I can't experience that with someone else, but simply that it is so hard for me to form that kind of interest with someone. I'm likely to be alone for another 8 years.
Being welcome to do something, dosen't mean that doing something is even remotely easy or possible.
I get one more weekend with him at the end of the month. There's a self-destructiveness that almost wants to ice him out and not hang out or talk to him at all. Quit cold turkey. I have to fight that so hard. The other path of self-destructiveness would be to look forward to that next weekend, and throw myself into it fully. Then, when I return him to his life, becoming a comatose broken mess. I need to try and find the middle ground. Currently, the latter option is the best in terms of living in the moment.
I didn't want to feel anything. I hate feeling things. Ugh. Maybe I look forward to February. Then I can go back to being indifferent to people. The build up is probably worse then the actuality.
It all boils down to the fact that one part of me wants to understand and embrace the transient nature of relationships, to enjoy the moments I have instead of worrying about tomorrow. BUT I have been experiencing emotions, feelings, companionship, and the other part of me doesn't want to give that up. Granted being poly means in theory I can totally find that in someone else... Yeah. Sure. It's not that I can't experience that with someone else, but simply that it is so hard for me to form that kind of interest with someone. I'm likely to be alone for another 8 years.
Being welcome to do something, dosen't mean that doing something is even remotely easy or possible.
I get one more weekend with him at the end of the month. There's a self-destructiveness that almost wants to ice him out and not hang out or talk to him at all. Quit cold turkey. I have to fight that so hard. The other path of self-destructiveness would be to look forward to that next weekend, and throw myself into it fully. Then, when I return him to his life, becoming a comatose broken mess. I need to try and find the middle ground. Currently, the latter option is the best in terms of living in the moment.
I didn't want to feel anything. I hate feeling things. Ugh. Maybe I look forward to February. Then I can go back to being indifferent to people. The build up is probably worse then the actuality.