"The ghosts appear as I fall asleep"
Why do I attempt to write?
The question's been circling around in my head pretty much this entire year. I'm getting pretty worried that the answer is getting harder and harder to come up with. Actually, no, part of that isn't true. The question has been around longer than January, I was just better at ignoring it last year.
I have stories in my head I'd like to share, but it won't kill me if I don't. In fact, running through the stories in my head for a couple of months is a lot easier than trying to type them out and always falling short.
And yet, that's always been true. I've always had stories in my head even if it's only been in the last five years I've bothered to get serious about typing them up and letting others see them. (Not counting the notebooks of worldbuilding and one or two page starts to stories I've done since I was 12 or 13. I tended to give up a couple pages in because I couldn't write fast enough and didn't have a computer to type it onto. Had a typewriter...but it was easier to just write everything out in longhand)
I've considered a career in writing off and on for half of my life. But with a day job which demands large quantities of my time -- one I don't see leaving anywhere in the near or semi-distant future for full time writing -- I find it hard to force myself to write.
Especially considering the emotional toll writing takes on me.
Over the last couple of weeks I've started to realize what exactly is my main block. Me. I have zero confidence in myself to succeed at anything. Even at the day job I find it hard to consider things I do as good or successful. (Something my old boss wanted to slap me about, I know, cause I never believed him when he said otherwise. Nor do I believe my new boss when he says the same.)
Relationships...no success there either. And, it falls squarely on me, I've no problem admitting it. I start to feel like I'm a burden and eventually drift away from the them. I'm actually trying to be a bit better about this. We'll see what happens. I have noticed a tendency in my head to start to get co-dependent on doing things with a certain person and when it doesn't happen getting upset. Not at them...but at myself for expecting the trend to continue. (Vague...I know...but I don't want to get too detailed or you'll will see just how crazy I am. :P)
Writing pretty much takes all the above self doubt and multiplies it by at least a hundred. With writing I'm the judge of my own abilities and as you'll can see--my self-judgment is extremely screwed. And not in my favor. Which leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to accomplishing anything with it. I'm not sure I'll ever reach a mindset where I don't think my writing sucks. But, I'm fairly sure I won't be able to grow any further as a writer until I do.
Right now it all just seems pointless. If I had this feeling about everything else, I'd seriously consider it depression. But, I don't. If anything, my current life is sitting a lot better than it has in years.
So, maybe I'm not meant to be a published author. Everyone says it takes drive and determination. I'm not seeing either hanging around me right now.
If only I could get this aching sense of loss from not writing out of my head and heart, I'd be all set. But, something tells me that's not going to happen. I've tried the last two weeks. Instead of getting comfortable with not writing, I'm just getting more stressed out over the lack.
The question's been circling around in my head pretty much this entire year. I'm getting pretty worried that the answer is getting harder and harder to come up with. Actually, no, part of that isn't true. The question has been around longer than January, I was just better at ignoring it last year.
I have stories in my head I'd like to share, but it won't kill me if I don't. In fact, running through the stories in my head for a couple of months is a lot easier than trying to type them out and always falling short.
And yet, that's always been true. I've always had stories in my head even if it's only been in the last five years I've bothered to get serious about typing them up and letting others see them. (Not counting the notebooks of worldbuilding and one or two page starts to stories I've done since I was 12 or 13. I tended to give up a couple pages in because I couldn't write fast enough and didn't have a computer to type it onto. Had a typewriter...but it was easier to just write everything out in longhand)
I've considered a career in writing off and on for half of my life. But with a day job which demands large quantities of my time -- one I don't see leaving anywhere in the near or semi-distant future for full time writing -- I find it hard to force myself to write.
Especially considering the emotional toll writing takes on me.
Over the last couple of weeks I've started to realize what exactly is my main block. Me. I have zero confidence in myself to succeed at anything. Even at the day job I find it hard to consider things I do as good or successful. (Something my old boss wanted to slap me about, I know, cause I never believed him when he said otherwise. Nor do I believe my new boss when he says the same.)
Relationships...no success there either. And, it falls squarely on me, I've no problem admitting it. I start to feel like I'm a burden and eventually drift away from the them. I'm actually trying to be a bit better about this. We'll see what happens. I have noticed a tendency in my head to start to get co-dependent on doing things with a certain person and when it doesn't happen getting upset. Not at them...but at myself for expecting the trend to continue. (Vague...I know...but I don't want to get too detailed or you'll will see just how crazy I am. :P)
Writing pretty much takes all the above self doubt and multiplies it by at least a hundred. With writing I'm the judge of my own abilities and as you'll can see--my self-judgment is extremely screwed. And not in my favor. Which leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to accomplishing anything with it. I'm not sure I'll ever reach a mindset where I don't think my writing sucks. But, I'm fairly sure I won't be able to grow any further as a writer until I do.
Right now it all just seems pointless. If I had this feeling about everything else, I'd seriously consider it depression. But, I don't. If anything, my current life is sitting a lot better than it has in years.
So, maybe I'm not meant to be a published author. Everyone says it takes drive and determination. I'm not seeing either hanging around me right now.
If only I could get this aching sense of loss from not writing out of my head and heart, I'd be all set. But, something tells me that's not going to happen. I've tried the last two weeks. Instead of getting comfortable with not writing, I'm just getting more stressed out over the lack.